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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say Mil can't come on holiday

61 replies

Sklong7 · 21/07/2017 07:16

My first time posting on here.....

Last week, my Dp, our closest friend and I were talking about going on holiday with the kids. We all went a few years ago and it was great.

So we were looking at where to go and prices etc. Friend said she'd pay the deposit so we could book there and then. All good, booked it and looking forward to going.

Then a few days later, Dp decided to invite his mum without discussing with me or our friend. I've said in clear English that I don't want her coming as she is very awkward, she doesn't make any effort with the kids, she lives a 10 minute drive away yet she only comes over twice a month (and doesn't interact with them in any way) she doesn't talk to me at all. And she has a very aggressive manner about her, the way she talks to my Dp is awful, yet he's keen to keep her happy.

She's met our friend a few times and has ignored her every time, even when friend has made an effort to talk to her.

So what I need to know is AIBU to not want MIL to come?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/07/2017 08:41

the way she talks to my Dp is awful, yet he's keen to keep her happy

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned that bit yet ... for me, it sums up the problem in one sentence Hmm

YorkshireTree · 21/07/2017 08:50

No no no.

He needs to tell her today she can't come.

morningconstitutional2017 · 21/07/2017 08:55

How awkward. I'm assuming MIL is on her own and is lonely - with the behaviour you mention that's hardly surprising.

Perhaps your DH felt that he had to invite her along. Whatever happens it's going to be difficult - if he tells her now she can't come she'll be unhappy but if he allows her to tag along everyone else will be annoyed.
Is she expecting to have her son all to herself while the rest of you go off to do their thing? If this is the case then maybe he'll not mention holiday plans in future. I hope you resolve this amicably.

RiseToday · 21/07/2017 08:57

What was your idiot husband thinking?

I would be absolutely furious with him.

SomeKnobend · 21/07/2017 09:17

Why did he invite her knowing you all don't get on? Even if you had a good relationship you'd ask first. Holiday with in-laws is not exactly a recipe for relaxation! He needs to uninvite her asap and think before he speaks next time.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/07/2017 09:20

Your friends will quite rightly be pissed off

ItsNachoCheese · 21/07/2017 09:20

Your dh inviting his mil is out of order

Justhadmyhaircut · 21/07/2017 09:20

Tell him he is welcome to holiday with his dm but you will be going with your friends. .

BloodWorries · 21/07/2017 09:22

I love my MIL. Have been on holiday with her and it was brilliant. We are planning another holiday with her at some point. She is a great laugh and we are good friends.
But I would be pissed off if my DP invited her (or anyone) to a group event when they aren't part of that group without asking the whole group. Clearly you were going to be annoyed at the very least, even if friends pretend their not (assuming they are typical British) it will change things.

Can you afford a little weekend away or even a day trip out with MIL to somewhere that she would actually like? Maybe if she's happy she will be more fun to be around. Then he can say he's got his wires crossed, it won't be possible for her to come with you all this time around. But he'd love to do x with her instead. Hopefully if it's something she's interested in then hopefully she won't be too upset about the group holiday.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2017 09:23

YANBU at all and if I were your friend I'd be furious at having this rude woman foisted on me for what is meant to be a relaxing break!

I'd actually tell your DP that if he's that keen to go on holiday with his mum, then off he goes, but he is not coming with you and your friend and the children. Remove him AND his mother from your planned trip.

IStoleDipsysHat · 21/07/2017 09:45

He's a people pleaser. He's stuck thinking if he bends over backwards she'll suddenly remember he's her child and live him. It won't happen.
So you need to express to him that his choices are either he uninvited her, or you and your friend take the kids on the original holiday and he can take his mother elsewhere. There is no way under any circumstances he will be bringing going her and if he can't find the backbone to uninvited her he gets to deal with her alone and miss out on a family holiday.

IStoleDipsysHat · 21/07/2017 09:46

*love

IStoleDipsysHat · 21/07/2017 09:47

My god autocorrect is adding words for me. Ignore the going and incorrect tense for uninvite.

RhubardGin · 21/07/2017 09:52

What were the circumstances?

Did he invite her himself or did he mention the holiday and your MIL manipulated an invite from him as you say she can be quite aggressive?

Laiste · 21/07/2017 09:57

Wow! Unanimous Mumsnet! Grin

YANBU OP.

To DP: ''No DP it's not on, and YOU can tell MIL, otherwise the holiday is off and YOU can refund the deposit to our friend''.

thereallochnessmonster · 21/07/2017 10:08

the way she talks to my Dp is awful, yet he's keen to keep her happy.

Sounds like he's living in FOG - what about going NC/LC with his mum, and sounds like your dh would benefit from counselling too.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2017 10:09

What was he thinking??

littlebird7 · 21/07/2017 10:12

Absolutely no way would I allow MIL to ruin your holiday with your friends - no way. He really should have discussed this with you first op.There are two ways of dealing with it:

nice way - tell DP to organise a separate trip for her and all of you (he pays and organises) You turn and tune out

not so nice way - dp needs to find a way of breaking it to his mother that she will not be coming and it was his mistake.

littlebird7 · 21/07/2017 10:15

If I was your friends I would be livid.....I would NOT want someone's MIL on our holiday.....it is really important that you don't fall out with your friends about this. You absolutely need to get shot of this problem and fast. Assertive and to the point is the only way to go, and then he needs to sort it out.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 10:16

If DP doesn't tell her she's not coming... then I wouldn't Go..... cancel x

Laiste · 21/07/2017 10:22

I know the OP hasn't specifically said that her DP will not want to un-invite his mother because she'll be difficult about it, but i'm guessing this is the case. I've read a lot of MN threads!

''But she'll cry, she'll shout, she'll go silent, she'll have one of her turns, she'll refuse to do x, y z any more'' ect ect ect.

If i'm wrong i'm sorry. However it's amazing how many men are terrified of their mother's reaction to things while at the same time being totally unfazed by pissing off their wives, kids and holiday going friends.

SecretNutellaFix · 21/07/2017 10:25

I bet he mentioned it to her in passing and she invited herself and as previous posters have said, he's been conditioned to not refuse her demands.

He does need to steel himself and uninvite her.

ChasedByBees · 21/07/2017 10:25

What was he thinking!? He needs to sort it pronto.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/07/2017 10:28

That's a complete non-starter, what will your friend make of this. DP has messed up.

Besides which, MIL doesn't engage with you at all and talks down to DP, some holiday that would be.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 21/07/2017 10:29

No way! Tell him to uninvite her.

It;s not up to him who goes. So cheeky, your poor friend.