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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL and BIL taking advantage?

59 replies

Yorkshirelass453 · 20/07/2017 13:07

I am still dwelling on this and want to know whether I am justified in repeatedly getting mad when I think about it. My DH and I both work and have one DD -14. DH works very hard and often away from home in order to provide for us - we do have a nice home and cars however have made a lot of sacrifices to have what we have - hours away from home working, having only one child, no holidays etc. Recently it was my BIL birthday. BIL lives very close to MIL and she paid for the deposit for his house (didn't do this for us when we bought our first house). DH suggest a number of restaurants the 5 of us could go to which would be suitable but BIL said they were all rubbish and insisted we all went to a very expensive restaurant in the city centre. We knew this would be expensive but wanted to do what he wanted to do for his birthday. DH then told MIL where we were going and she threw a fit saying it was too expensive. She is retired, not worked for 45 years and lives very well on pensions with no expenses such as mortgage. DH spoke to BIL and told him what she had said and they agreed to cover some of cost of her between them. Lovely meal was had and when the bill came £190 MIL just looked at DH and made no move to get any money out at all or even say anything. BIL got out all he had £40!!! So we were left will a bill for £150. At this point MIL said very loudly - it's your birthday (to BIL) you shouldn't pay. So in the end DH paid for it all. I just feel DH is repeatedly taken advantage of and it is presumed we will pay for them as we have some money....... MIL also complained when went back to work when DD was 9 months old as we needed the money.......AIBU to be angry?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 20/07/2017 14:25

sorry Maybe he thought YOU would be covering his share as it was his
birthday? and that's why he only brought £40 to chip in towards his Mums meal?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/07/2017 14:30

However, you sound so earnest in that you work so hard, don't holiday, have only one child, don't drink etc... blah blah blah. I suspect you are very tight with money and you sound prerty boring tbh

And you sound rather cuntish.

I'd be furious too OP. Unfortunately I think you'll just have to chalk this one up to experience and don't get caught again.

Re your DH and his GC brother - experience also shows that this ain't gonna change either. I feel for your DH, but realistically, to avoid being hurt, he needs to move on and to stop trying to please his mother, otherwise, he will be ripe for emotional and financial exploitation. I suggest detatching at least emotionally before she starts needing care, because you can bet that he'll be the go to and the whipping boy while his brother smokes pot, pisses his life up against the wall and is still doted over.

MiniAlphaBravo · 20/07/2017 14:32

madcap I said I suspect the op might be tight with money not that it's automatic that she is. Nothing wrong with making sacrifices but the tone of the op sounds to me rather like she is a bit 'holier than thou' when it comes to finances.

I might be wrong of course!

Original poster
Yorkshirelass453 · 20/07/2017 14:39

Trust me - I am neither 'boring' or holier than thou' I just don't want people to take advantage. If BIL or MIL ever needed money we would do anything we could to help - it's the presumption that we would pay that annoyed. BTW we didn't drink as it was lunch time and DH was driving and I just didn't fancy it.

OP posts:
guffaux · 20/07/2017 14:45

gah! families! my (very) wealthy brother/golden child visited UK on an all expenses work trip (so no travel accommodation costs incurred for him)- mother (comfortably off pensioner,) decided we would all go out for lunch -'her treat' -

we got there and she says 'ooh, its expensive!' looking pityfully at me, (it wasn't really expensive, just average pub meal) brother says nothing, mother continues to look meaningfully at me- so of course I say 'oh dont worry, I'll pay' -

wasn't even thanked afterwards, and wasn't asked out for a drink or meal over the rest of his stay.

just seems like some of us get assigned the role of payer/supporter in the family, and others are the 'looked after' keep their cash to themselves ones

NotTheMrMenAgain · 20/07/2017 14:52

Have we got it wrong in my family then? When we have a birthday we all go out for a meal and the birthday person pays for it. I suppose it evens out over the year because you might pay a lot once but then don't pay anything for the rest of the meals. It's nice this way, the birthday person enjoys treating everyone but gets presents and fuss. We've always done it like that. I think they just assumed they'd be able to get you to pay - which you did. Learn from this and don't get taken advantage of again because it's horrible to feel used like that.

JennyWoodentop · 20/07/2017 14:58

Easy.... don't go to restaurants with them again.

Any time they ask you to, politely decline. If they make a thing of it, just say you can't afford to pay for everyone again and you got left with the bill last time. If they say they'll pay their share - still don't go if you don't trust them to do so - if you do go make it clear at the start it's separate bills for everyone.

Consider skipping pudding/cheese/coffee at the end of the meal and leave while they are still having theirs, settling just your bill before you go - that takes the joy out of a meal out of course, so it might be better just to say no!

I'd just be distancing myself anyway......

HirplesWithHaggis · 20/07/2017 15:06

Playing Devil's Advocate... The total was about £40 per head. It was BIL's birthday, so he shouldn't have to pay. He gave £40, so that covers MIL's meal in full, what's the problem?

Squeakymoo · 20/07/2017 15:11

My side of the family always split the bill according to adults in the party (if my grown up children go I will pay for them). We don't expect for children to be included in the end tally.

However, if we go out with DH side of the family - invariably the bill gets split between DH and his siblings even if they take their grown up children so we end up paying half (or third) of the bill even if the nieces, nephews and partners are there. It certainly adds up especially the drinks bill but that is probably whey we don't often go out with them.

swingofthings · 20/07/2017 15:12

All that needs to happen is your OH to announce when his birthday comes that he thought that restaurant was brilliant and he thought it would be great if you all went again for his birthday, and that of course, he is assuming that his brother will pay for him and his mum, but you will kindly pay for your meal because otherwise it wouldn't be fair would it!

Only bring enough for your meal and see what happens!

KimchiLaLa · 20/07/2017 15:16

This happens to me all the time. In fact my deadbeat brother, who I have complained about on another thread, will always order the most expensive item, and alcohol and starters even when no one else is. Because he knows he won't be paying.

chocatoo · 20/07/2017 15:24

If I invite someone out for a meal to celebrate their birthday, I expect to pay for them. If I invite people to a meal to celebrate my birthday, I expect to pay for them (I choose the restaurant with care as we are not rich!). Occasionally some friends have invited us to celebrate a birthday and have made it clear from the outset that they can't afford to pay for everyone so are paying for e.g. the first drink, etc. - that's fine too - we know where we stand. I am resigned when people invite me out to celebrate their birthday and then expect to split the bill (seems to be the norm), but it gives me the raging hump when I am expected to pay for their meal too! YANBU!

Original poster
Yorkshirelass453 · 20/07/2017 15:34

It's my Birthday next month and I'll invite them round to ours for dinner and I'll cook. That way there's no-one of this awkwardness - and I can have wine! I may need it

On DH's birthday last year neither BIL or MIL came to see him or made any plans, so I them to us for birthday cake and was told by MIL that they couldn't possibly make it as BIL said he might still be hung over from the night before - I asked them over at 4pm!!!!!

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 20/07/2017 15:38

When we take anyone out for their birthday ( friend or relative ) we always pay.

Your BIL was wrong to choose the most expensive restaurant though.

Atenco · 20/07/2017 15:40

It looks like every family has different rules. Here in Mexico everyone knows that the person whose birthday it is doesn't pay.

ConstanceCraving · 20/07/2017 15:42

Playing Devil's Advocate... The total was about £40 per head. It was BIL's birthday, so he shouldn't have to pay. He gave £40, so that covers MIL's meal in full, what's the problem?

True.

mickeysminnie · 20/07/2017 15:54

Why on earth would you invite them over for YOUR birthday??

Original poster
Yorkshirelass453 · 20/07/2017 16:04

Sorry - I should have clarified, BIL invited us to go out for a meal for his birthday.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 20/07/2017 16:11

Don't invite them

They ignore DH and make him pay!

Learn the pattern and avoid

chocatoo · 20/07/2017 16:18

I wouldn't invite them over for your birthday. Let them make the first step.

19lottie82 · 20/07/2017 16:29

I should have clarified, BIL invited us to go out for a meal for his birthday.

I still wouldn't have let a family member pay for their own meal on their birthday, sorry. And he paid for MIL's?

19lottie82 · 20/07/2017 16:30

I also think it s a bit shit that your DH thinks that his parents should like him more than his DB because he has a kid and went to university???

Original poster
Yorkshirelass453 · 20/07/2017 16:46

He doesn't want to be liked more - just the same as his brother.

DH paid for the entire meal - not just BIL's but I get your point.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 20/07/2017 16:47

He gave £40, so that covers MIL's meal in full, what's the problem?

Because MIL said BIL shouldn't pay for his meal on his birthday and he put his money away again

He didn't offer £40 for himself and £20 - so half for MIL anyway

DH paid the whole bill £200 effectively for 3 of them to eat out

Don't invite them to your birthday - go somewhere nice - you'll end up having to supply drink and food and either them stay over or pay taxi fare

Invite people you want o spend your birthday with - rather than his family

ConstanceCraving · 20/07/2017 16:47

This isn't just about the meal. You both resent the brother. Not sure why you hang out with him tbh.