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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

more a "how unreasonable am i being"

31 replies

Lededje · 20/07/2017 09:14

My three closest friends have announced their pregnancies within a couple of months of one another. Everyone I know is settled with partners and I've just been dumped by a man i was crazy about. They all have houses and careers and have spent their 20s travelling, partying, shagging around. I spent my 20s (every single last fucking year of them) in an abusive relationship.

I feel so, so behind. I want a do over. I've wasted so much of my life.

I'm 32. Just done retraining in a potentially lucrative but not particularly interesting career. I'm starting to travel. I have things going for me. But I just look back at everything I've missed out on and want to cry. And then i look forward and worry that i don't have time to do everything i want to, or I'll miss out on having children.

Go on, tell me I'm being a dick. You're good at that Grin.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 20/07/2017 09:17

You have got out of an abusive relationship and are re-training. Both things takes guts (wish I could re-train). Who says you won't find a guy and settle down and have kids in the future? I know a lot of people who have had kids in their 30s. I was young in my friendship group by doing it in my late 20s

m4rdybum · 20/07/2017 09:29

I wouldn't say you're being a dick - I can see where you're coming from.

Just don't turn into a dick, and start being rude/treating your friends differently because they haven't missed out.

rainbowduck · 20/07/2017 09:35

I don't think that you are being a dick. I think you have had a rough time and you are taking steps to making sure you have a great life ahead of you.

And I also think that you sound like an amazingly strong person.

I think to be a little envious is not a bad thing, as long as there is no malice. These feelings are indicative of what you would like to achieve in the future, and that is a good thing!

Xxxx

Glumglowworm · 20/07/2017 09:43

You're not being a dick!

You've escaped an abusive relationship which is a huge deal. You've retrained to secure future financial stability. You sound like you're now in a good place.

You have years ahead to meet someone and settle down and have children, if that's what you want to do.

Allthewaves · 20/07/2017 09:44

My mum didn't meet my dad until she was 40 after awful relationship in 20s and single in her 30s. She said finding other single women in their 30s and 40s to make friends with helped a lot as she was seen as babysitter for her married friends

Helbelle75 · 20/07/2017 09:51

You're out of that relationship which is fantastic. And you're only 32.
Enjoy what you have, your time will come. It's natural to feel envious ( I know, I've been there) but don't let it show. Enjoy being an honorary aunt to their children.
I was in a miserable relationship 28 -37 and he didn't want kids so I had to forget that idea (because I was crazy about him, even though he as financially abusive). But I realised (finally) how important a family was to me so I left.
I'm 42. Met dh at 38, got married at 40, had our daughter at 41.
You've plenty of time ahead of you, just relax and enjoy your freedom

Original poster
Lededje · 20/07/2017 09:55

Thank you all for your responses Smile. I know you're right, it's just hard not to wobble sometimes.

I also know that no-one has it easy all the time and the people I'm looking Envy at (non-maliciously!) have all spent time crying on my shoulder in the last ten years over partners/kids/jobs. They've all worked hard to get the lives that they want - i can do it too Smile

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2017 09:55

I think you need to do a bit of "in the mean time" dating yourself. You could meet someone soon and settle down and have kids and then all your finances will be channelled into them. While it's just you, enjoy it. Do the things you want to do. Explore the things you want to explore.

If you had heard someone talking about being in some awful situation for many years but then getting free you wouldn't be thinking of them as having wasted it, you'd be thinking celebrate the freedom and enjoy it, life starts now. That's you. You're just not seeing it. Life starts now and be proud of yourself for getting out of a shitty relationship and retraining.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with the guy you really liked. He probably had some gross secret habit like picking his bum and sniffing his fingers after though... Wink

IWantABlueBanana · 20/07/2017 09:59

You're not being a dick! The world is your oyster, live life and have fun!

I wasted my 20s on being a mum, i hope to recover that in my mid 40s Grin

AztecHero · 20/07/2017 10:04

You are not a dick!

FWIW, I was in a similar place at 32. (down to the abusive relationship). 34 I was married, 37 I had my dc.

It sounds awful but sometimes what got me through the day was looking at my friends' DHs and asking myself if I wanted to be married to them. Usually not, it has to be said. Nice guys, but not my nice guy.

Original poster
Lededje · 20/07/2017 10:05

He probably had some gross secret habit like picking his bum and sniffing his fingers after though...

Ha! He did bite his toenails Grin

OP posts:
AztecHero · 20/07/2017 10:06

while they were on or off his toes?

[shudder] [wonders how flexible you have to be to do that...]

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 20/07/2017 10:08

I had DS2 when I was 44! You have plenty of time. 💐

Gemi33 · 20/07/2017 10:10

Hi OP

I feel just like you - I'm 34, single, in a career I'm not particularly happy in but cannot afford to retrain and I rent a flat and will probably never be able to afford to buy a house. All my friends are settled with children and I feel like I am just left behind and missing out of life.

xx

EdmundCleverClogs · 20/07/2017 10:10

You're not a dick! I for one admire you, I also had a very shitty 20s for various reasons (ranging from silly mistakes to insane situations that I'd never imagined to be in). I really lament all the plans I had that never happened. I was never a traveler, but I certainly had dreams of a career, independence and freedom. Never achieved any of them and at times I was so ashamed of myself. I have nothing of self-worth to show for my twenties.

As it goes, my life has taken another direction in having children, and my plans for a career (rather than just a job) have long gone. However, I have learned that a life of regrets isn't one worth living, and walking away from misery is as great of an achievement as traveling the world, having a good job or raising children. We all walk our own roads in life, and you still have a lifetime left to do what makes you happy. You're not 'behind', you're just doing things in a different way.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 20/07/2017 10:12

You're free! :)
Do you know what I'd do? I would take off travelling! Or go for that new job I'd been dreaming about but never dared. Now is a time to think about you and only you, and do whatever you want! You are definitely not a dick and you can absolutely be happy, you are still so young and you can have fun.
The couple of years after a break up I went travelling, bought a ridiculous car I'd always wanted (only a silly cheap old mini), decorated my flat exactly how I wanted it and threw parties, went to festivals, did online dating (only exciting dates allowed, like rock climbing and beach days etc) and I look back on it as such an exciting time.
It sounds silly, but the world really is your oyster.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 20/07/2017 10:13

Aztec my cousin can do it. It's disgusting and weird. 😝

dameednatheaverage · 20/07/2017 10:13

I 'wasted' my 20s, especially compared to some of my friends - wrong job, wrong relationship(s), very low self-esteem. Around the same age, early 30s they all started marrying, settling down, having kids, buying houses. I did the opposite. Chucked in my job, went travelling, retrained. It was utterly terrifying - but also the best thing I ever did. I met my DH when I was 34. I now realise that the wrong job in my 20s actually indirectly led me to the right one. Same with my relationships - which were not abusive I should say - but bad relationships in my 20s helped me see what was wrong for me, so I could know better what was right. Of course there are things I would have done differently with hindsight, but what I am trying to say is you really are still very young and you have masses of time! Try not to regret the years you feel you have 'wasted', but instead enjoy all the time you have to build the life you want - it sounds as though you have made great steps towards that already. I know that's easier said than done and it is really difficult to watch friends settle down and feel a bit left behind. You're not being a dick at all if that's how you feel sometimes. But it will be OK! Good luck.

BorisTrumpsHair · 20/07/2017 10:16

Comparison is the thief of joy!! Stop yourself from doing it!! I know it's hard but it is worthwhile stopping this indulgent unproductive undermining habit.

Focus on what you can do. and what you are doing.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2017 10:27

Lededje ew! You see! And that's the habit you knew about!

DJBaggySmalls · 20/07/2017 10:32

You are not being unreasonable, you were robbed and you need time to grieve.
Congratulations for getting out and moving on Star
When you are 40 you wont look back on your 30's and regret the entire decade. And hopefully in time, you will see the decade wasnt completely wasted - you still have friends.

Ketzele · 20/07/2017 10:40

OP, I spent my 20s being anorexic - what a waste of time that was. All that obsessing over bloody food and hipbones, when I could have been travelling the world/building a career/partying/having wild sex with cute people. A whole decade down the drain.

So I understood your feelings. It's hard when you have to build up from a bad place, and you can never get those years back. But look at you, you're doing amazingly well - you got yourself out of that relationship, you have retrained, you are looking to the future. 32 is still young - round these parts it's practically considered teen pregnancy to have started a family by then - and you have so many good things ahead of you.

It's always difficult when you fall out of pace with friends, but you will make new friends - through your new career, your new partner when you find them, and your children when you have them - who will all be doing different things at different times, and you will forget these feelings you are having now.

Chin up, and best of luck.

MyPepper · 20/07/2017 10:41

I suspect that in the process you have learnt A LOT, a lot of things that your friends won't have (maybe thanksfully?) because they won't have had to face the same difficulties you have.

You've just come out of an abusive relationhsip. You've retrained. That takes a lot of resilience and a very strong character.

As for having missed on a lot of things. Well maybe. But you can't change that. I found for myself that focusing on the negatives doesn't help at all. Better to look at the future, you have all your 30s to do whatever you want to do. Have a or several bfs, have a child, travel, whatever floats your boat. You now can CHOOSE what you want to do.
So go for it!
We all experience things at different times in our life. We don't have to experience them all nor do we have to do it all in the same order and at the same time.
Enjoy your new freedom :)

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/07/2017 10:47

I think it's so easy to look at the past negative experiences in your life and focus too much on them...

Sometimes it's hard to see all the positive changes you made thus far.

You've got out of an abusive relationship and had the courage/determination to retrain and take your life in a different direction. I take my hat off to you for that alone :)

MyPepper · 20/07/2017 10:48

Fwiw I'm older than you (nearly 50 ewww) butbi can look back at my life and say
'Well this could have been better, I could have done xxx.' But each of those decisions have also lead to some very good outcomes.
Eg I am struggling more and more about where I live and wish that I had thought more carefully about settling down in a foreign country. But Ive also learnt so much about living in a different way. Some of which will always stay with me because it's so positive.
I settled with DH too (the reason why I stayed) and no maybe it wasn't the best choice for me. But I have two beautiful dcs and I wouldn't change that for the world.
I struggled with ill health but that helps me understanding the clients I'm working with better. I'm often more compassionate and can 'get' what they are going on about.
There is always the other side of the coin iyswim.

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