more a "how unreasonable am i being"

[Lededje]

My three closest friends have announced their pregnancies within a couple of months of one another. Everyone I know is settled with partners and I've just been dumped by a man i was crazy about. They all have houses and careers and have spent their 20s travelling, partying, shagging around. I spent my 20s (every single last fucking year of them) in an abusive relationship.

I feel so, so behind. I want a do over. I've wasted so much of my life.

I'm 32. Just done retraining in a potentially lucrative but not particularly interesting career. I'm starting to travel. I have things going for me. But I just look back at everything I've missed out on and want to cry. And then i look forward and worry that i don't have time to do everything i want to, or I'll miss out on having children.

Go on, tell me I'm being a dick. You're good at that .

You used to be a dick - you missed out because you stayed with an abusive person.
You got out, you retrained, you are moving on, travelling... you are on the up and up
Don't look back... don't waste time for what could have been and wasn't you have the future...go for it and good luck

Anyway can party/travel/find random sexual partners however not every one is able, lucky enough, has the strength to leave an abusive relationship. You've done the hard bit. You have no need to look backwards the future is ahead 👏👏 (clap clap emoji)

From your perspective it may look like everyone else is investing their time (or whatever the opposite of wasting it is) but you have no way of knowing yet which of these apparently settled relationships will not succeed/are not succeeding, who is thinking they're not ready for motherhood or they regret settling down too quickly etc.

I spent most of my 20s and 30s shagging around and drinking too much which may have looked like fun from a distance but I also suffered from crippling depression and agoraphobia (had to leave what I thought was my dream job because of it) and 90% of the blokes I messed about with were idiots. Time passes and you're experiencing your life. Stuff has to happen and not all of it looks constructive or positive but it all creates opportunities to learn.

It may look like you wasted time in that abusive relationship but on the other hand you now have the opportunity to work out how to never do that again. (Btw, do you feel confident you can avoid another one? Because if you have any doubt I urge you to organise some counselling to work out how to never be in that position again.) Fwiw I think all the self-development work (therapy mainly) I did when depressed has paid off. That time is never wasted.

Be kind to yourself. Your 20s and 30s are for learning. Your whole life is for learning really, but what I mean is you have so much to learn when you're young, you can't be expected to hit every mark.

You are 100% not a dick.
Well done for ending the absolve relationship and turning things around for yourself, this is a huge achievement.
You have everything to look forward to.

I had to duck out of this thread while I was at work because I was getting a little teary (loser ), but thank you all for your kind, wise words and especially for sharing some of your experiences

It's hard, but try not to see it as wasted time, learn from it and spend sometime doing things you really want to.

I was with someone from age 17-28, I thought I was ready to get married and then he dumped me and married someone else! I was gutted and desperate to be with someone, but only had casual relationships. But I did get to travel a lot and do lots of things I didn't get to do in my 20's (because the man I was with then didn't want to do them), did a master's degree and progressed my career. Married my DH (who I originally met at college when I was 18) at 37 and had our daughter at 40.

Try and enjoy your new found freedom, you have loads of time. Once you have kids you don't get to travel and do whatever you want (haven't been abroad for 3 years and don't even get to wee on my own anymore!)