To feel so sad for DD1

[LittleCharmer]

I don't even know where to begin with this.

Ok. DD2 was born by c section last week. She's adorable. We are delighted to have her. She's pretty chilled out so far, sleeps a lot although is awake and alert in the small hours, so we are pretty tired.

C section was pretty rough, elective but not without its complications. As a result, I have a lot of bruising and pain. My mobility isn't great. I also have the joys of stockings, injections, boobs full of milk (DD is formula fed) and today and yesterday, the baby blues. So this may be colouring my judgement slightly.

DD1 is two and a half. I love that girl. She's the best thing that ever happened to us. She's sweet, very bright, generally pretty well behaved with occasional tantrums etc - fairly standard two year old stuff, nothing extreme. She goes to nursery three days per week. I'm planning to keep her there during mat leave as she loves it, and we would risk losing her place if we took her out. However I don't intend on sending her there religiously three times per week, all day.

We did what we could to prepare her for the baby. She seemed to understand to a point, but she's only little so we knew she might find it hard at the start. However, since we brought the baby home, her behaviour has been terrible. She throws things, she screams and shouts over nothing, will deliberately disobey us, will fight us on absolutely everything. She seems interested in, and fond of the baby, like she will help to bath her, bring nappies etc, gives her a kiss good night, but her behaviour has deteriorated so rapidly that I do t see how it can possibly be unconnected.

It seems clear to me that she is in a tailspin with the baby's arrival. I'm trying to "love bomb" her a little bit, I want to show her how important she is etc but it's not working. DH on the other hand (who she absolutely worships) is taking a harder line with her eg if she throws her toys, he takes them away after a warning. She gets so upset and it's so unpleasant.

Tonight, for example, I played on the floor with her for ages with her play doh. She was happy. Then the baby woke up and DH lifted her out of her basket to feed her. DD lost her temper (I can't remember exactly why, something very minor) and started throwing play doh all over the room. I tried to distract her but nothing worked. DH ended up taking the play doh away and DD ended up crying. I gave her a cuddle and we sat on the iPad for a bit to calm her down, and DH said he thinks I'm too soft with her.

I don't know what to do for the best. I feel so sad that she's sad.

Its normal when a younger sibling arrives. She will settle down as she gets more used to it. Your DD2 has only been here a week, its early days.

I sympathise.sounds like you're doing all the right things. Just keep calm take it all in your stride and I think she'll quickly adjust especially as she's showing signs of living the baby as you say

Loving* the baby !!

Give it time. It'll be ok

I've no experience with 2 babies but could giving her important jobs help? It might make her feel special and included in the babies life.

Not sure what to suggest but maybe she's in charging of bringing nappies and wipes for the baby. Then when she's done this for the day (not religiously) she could get a little reward.

Or could she pick the babies outfit out in the morning?

I'm guessing there would be so much "don't do this and that" it's hard for her to find her place in the family.

This little girl has had your full attention for two years. Of course she is finding it hard.
It would be like Dh bringing home a younger sexier fitter wife and saying to you "I love you sooooo much that I got myself another one"....
just give her patience and time to adjust. Keep doing what you are doing and including Dd in it. She should soon settle down.

I'm sure it will get better. Sounds like she's just adjusting to having to share you both. Maybe it's a bloke thing, but I think I'd feel like your DH on this one, it's not acceptable for DD1 to start throwing toys around etc when she doesn't get her own way.

We'll be in a similar position soon too - DC2 on the way and DD will be two a month before due date. Just out of interest, what did you do to prepare your DD1 for the new arrival?

Oh bless you. I remember those days. My 3 year old started behaving terribly when the baby arrived. I felt so guilty for what I'd done to him.

It didn't really last long in the scheme of things and now they love each other

They really do. They miss each other when they are not together, they talk about being best friends and nothing warms my heart more than hearing them laugh together.

I remember the days of thinking I'd ruined everything. Don't feel guilty. It'll be fine.

We found the love bomb approach worked better than being strict disciplinarians. We tried both, but it was definitely reassurance he was seeking. I also used to pretend that some of the naughty things must have been an accident, and say 'oh dear, never mind'. I still remember the look on his face of 'No, I did it on purpose!'

Perfectly normal! Imagine if your DH came home with a new wife!
She's too young to really understand what having a baby meant and her world has turned upside down so of course she is playing up.

But she will soon adjust just as millions of other older siblings adjust.. the new normal takes time for all of you :) I think that being kind but not overcompensating is the way forward... I'd have taken her playdough away if she threw itm, before or after a new baby. Cuddles are good tho.
I had three under two and a half... so mine were 2 yrs 3 months and 13 months when no 3 was born...and they both had chickenpox erupt as I came out of hospital so I had a house full of miserable babies and toddlers. They don't remember it at all:)

And after a while they all learned to love each other. But it takes time and it's VERY early days !

So hard, but completely normal. Stop distracting her and find a time to talk to her about how difficult it is to become a big sister. Try to get your husband to empathise rather than taking a hard line, but don't relax your existing boundaries (i.e. ones you had before the baby). Read (or audio book) Siblings Without Rivalry.

I don't think she feels sad, so you shouldn't either. It's more of a ''WTF has happened to my familiar life' which you're clearly feeling too.

Just ride it out, if I recall it all calms down pretty quickly into normality.

We have the same age gap and last night DD read DS his bedtime story with lots of giggles and hugs.

It comes good, really it does.

Her behaviour is natural but that doesn't mean it needs to go unpunished.

I think a middle road between giving her room to express her upset and reminding her that her behaviour is not nice needs to be found. Neither you or your dh are wrong but equally neither are wholly right either.

My situation is slightly different but it might help give you some perspective. My niece was very similar although her behaviour had always been questionable imo. My sister refused to reprimand her at all and for a long time it was unbearable to be around her. I am quite strict with my dd, and maybe some of it is different parenting styles, but I also can't understand how any style would allow willful damage of things and willful hurting of other children during her jealous moments.

It caused a rift between my sister and I because I told her dd off for hurting mine. My dd is a year older and trying to explain why her cousin wasn't being told off for hitting her, scratching her etc was hard. How do you tell a 3.5 year that yes it is not nice of her courage in to do those things and yes if she did those things she would be told off and no it's not fair that get cousin doesn't.

I agree with talking to her about how she's feeling.
Also, when the baby cries say ' oh your baby sister is crying. Do you think she's hungry or needs a change?' Get her involved and refer to dd2 as 'your sister'

Her reaction is totally normal. Her whole world has been shifted. 2.5 year olds are completely narcissistic, as is normal. For them, everything is all about them 24/7. She now has to share your attention and she doesn't know how to deal with it yet. Stay calm, be firm yet gentle when she has a tantrum, and she will be back to her sweet self before you know it. Congrats on the new baby!

It's probably a good idea for your DH to have 1 on 1 time with her away from the baby (you too when you can). Maybe they can go to a soft play or do something else fun for a few hours a week.

It is totally normal but it is difficult I know. Batten down the hatches and get through it - you have given her the best gift you ever could have in a sister (and a little sister! The best kind ).

One thing I found helped a bit was conspiring with DD1, like rolling my eyes when the baby cried and smiling, 'oh, she's crying again shall we see what's wrong' etc.

But keep at it. It's tricky but you can do it!

Try not to think of her as being sad. She's unsettled. That's very different, and completely normal.
Plus it's reassuring that she appears to be fond of her new sibling.
Plantsitter is right, she's got an amazing present of a new sister...these early days will pass and she'll forget what life was ever like before her sister came along.
I think both you and your DH are right to some extent. Yes she needs a little more tolerance and understanding, but not so much that she gets to throw shit around. If you show her that behaviour is acceptable then you're making a rod for your own back IMO. It will get easier I promise, and congrats on your new baby.

Everyone has some good points but also baby crying is a horrible sound- it might just be putting her on edge and will take time for her to get used to dd2.

Totally normal.
When DS2 was born, I thought DS1 had changed for ever. I'd ruined his life, it was all my fault. Someone told me that 3 months was a turning point, and they were right. Everything got better then, and 8 years later they absolutely wouldn't be without eachother for a moment.

When DD2 was born, we got DD1 (then 2.8) a present 'from' DD2. It was something she'd wanted for a while and we were able to dress it up as "DD2 is so excited to have you as her big sister and wanted to get you something". They're too young to think it through properly!!! I think you need to just keep reinforcing how important she is, that you love your 'big girl' and baby girl (I still have to do this sometimes 2 1/2 years on), she can help you etc. It will pass. For the most part my two girls adore each other now!

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I genuinely feel a weight has been lifted. Not that you'd know it to look at me - baby blues turn me into a weepy, snotty pathetic mess.

I do need to toughen up with DD in general, I've known that for a while. I just feel this is not the time to do it. It is fair to say that I hate the thought of her being sad and upset and I feel a terrible guilt whenever she gets upset because eg we have confiscated a toy. But that's my issue and she needs discipline and boundaries. I'll work on that.

DH is a softy and they are good friends but he is worried about her becoming spoiled and difficult as she gets older. He doesn't shout and bawl but he can be very firm. However, in fairness to him, whilst playdoh-gate was unpleasant, ten mins later she was up on his knee reading Bear Hunt so I guess being told off won't damage her/their relationship.

For me, the decision to give DD a sibling was for long term benefit. I have sisters and I wouldn't be without them for the world, they are my best friends now. I knew, however, that there might be teething problems. I just wasn't prepared to feel like this about it, the guilt is intolerable.

In terms of how we prepared her...we decided not to tell her too early, as a pregnancy would feel like an eternity to a toddler. We started to talk about "when the baby comes" a couple of months ago e.g. "When the baby comes are you going to help feed her?" type thing. We also got hold of a book about becoming a big sister. This worked really well for DD actually. She loves a book and she has been quite attached to this book in recent weeks. She will quote parts of it ("I can hold the baby but I must ask mummy first" "I'm a big sister now").

Aw, I've teared up a bit now thinking about those early days with babies. Such a huge melting pot of emotions. Well done for bringing two little lovelies into the world who will most likely be best mates... eventually. It'll all look better tomorrow, I guarantee it.

I found it difficult to bond with DS2 because of this. I felt huge pangs of guilt constantly over DS1. But it got better. They very quickly forget what life was like before the baby, and adjust accordingly. It becomes their new normal.

Just take it one day at a time, because I can absolutely assure you that it will get better and that your feelings currently will subside.

(I went on to have two more and didn't experience the same guilt etc!)

Super beagle I'm glad you said that. I have also struggled a little to bond with DD2 because of the guilt. How awful is that.

This is a lovely book about the arrival of a baby sister:
This Is Jane, Jim by Kaye Umansky & Margaret Chamberlain

Sadly out of print, but available second hand from amazon

You sound like you are doing a great job. Congratulations on your new DD 💐