To feel so sad for DD1

[LittleCharmer]

I don't even know where to begin with this.

Ok. DD2 was born by c section last week. She's adorable. We are delighted to have her. She's pretty chilled out so far, sleeps a lot although is awake and alert in the small hours, so we are pretty tired.

C section was pretty rough, elective but not without its complications. As a result, I have a lot of bruising and pain. My mobility isn't great. I also have the joys of stockings, injections, boobs full of milk (DD is formula fed) and today and yesterday, the baby blues. So this may be colouring my judgement slightly.

DD1 is two and a half. I love that girl. She's the best thing that ever happened to us. She's sweet, very bright, generally pretty well behaved with occasional tantrums etc - fairly standard two year old stuff, nothing extreme. She goes to nursery three days per week. I'm planning to keep her there during mat leave as she loves it, and we would risk losing her place if we took her out. However I don't intend on sending her there religiously three times per week, all day.

We did what we could to prepare her for the baby. She seemed to understand to a point, but she's only little so we knew she might find it hard at the start. However, since we brought the baby home, her behaviour has been terrible. She throws things, she screams and shouts over nothing, will deliberately disobey us, will fight us on absolutely everything. She seems interested in, and fond of the baby, like she will help to bath her, bring nappies etc, gives her a kiss good night, but her behaviour has deteriorated so rapidly that I do t see how it can possibly be unconnected.

It seems clear to me that she is in a tailspin with the baby's arrival. I'm trying to "love bomb" her a little bit, I want to show her how important she is etc but it's not working. DH on the other hand (who she absolutely worships) is taking a harder line with her eg if she throws her toys, he takes them away after a warning. She gets so upset and it's so unpleasant.

Tonight, for example, I played on the floor with her for ages with her play doh. She was happy. Then the baby woke up and DH lifted her out of her basket to feed her. DD lost her temper (I can't remember exactly why, something very minor) and started throwing play doh all over the room. I tried to distract her but nothing worked. DH ended up taking the play doh away and DD ended up crying. I gave her a cuddle and we sat on the iPad for a bit to calm her down, and DH said he thinks I'm too soft with her.

I don't know what to do for the best. I feel so sad that she's sad.

DS was 20 months old when DD was born. It was a tough winter, he would sometimes throw stuff, occasionally hit the baby... I fluctuated between being angry at him and feeling sad for him as he had been my beloved first born all his life (he still is of course!) And the thought of causing him grief was physically painful.

I ended up feeling either guilt towards the baby for not paying enough attention to her, or guilt towards my son for not paying enough exclusive attention to him.

Such a mess of emotions. But it's all natural and normal. Your DDs frustration is normal, as are your and your partner's feelings.

You seem like a loving and caring mum. You will find your way.

The big turning point for me was definitely when the kids started to become playmates. That's when I realised that whole there was a short term "loss" for my older child, I had really given him a beautiful gift for life. He adores his little sister now, they are really good friends, and she adores him back. He doesn't remember being without her now. They are 3.5 and 1.9 now.

Try and be patient. You are doing all the right things. Don't be harsh on yourself and also accept that your dp is dealing with this differently. Both approaches are valid and important.

Oh and bonding with the 2nd baby can take a but longer. It did for me, even though I may have struggled to admit it at the time. It won't make any difference in the long run. I love them both beyond words, and equally of course!

I don't have children, so this is probably really unhelpful, but can remember being really thrown off kilter when my little brother was born. What really helped me (and I can remember so clearly, even though I was only four) was getting my own "baby" and things like a crib, bath, pram etc when my dad went back to work. When my mum did particular things with my brother, I did the same thing with my doll - feeding, bath, nap etc. It's weird what we remember, but I also vividly recall picking out outfits for "both babies" each morning, and for bed, and that being my special job. (Presumably my brother was changed more frequently then my doll!)

It was years ago now, but I remember it well. I think for a 2yr old, having a new baby in the house is an incredible adjustment, this behaviour is all very normal.

A few things we did for DS1: we got him a squidgy baby doll, that his baby, we talked to him about "YOUR" baby to make him feel really involved, and we gave him jobs to help out, and really, really praised the helping out.

From experience, we found that ignoring bad behaviour was a better strategy than a good telling off - but every child is different. A very gentle voiced "Oh dear, DS, you've thrown that toy, let's just pick it up and put it away" - or "oh dear, what a mess (when he tipped a flower pot out DS, you'll need to go in your room while I clear this up" sort of thing. It worked well for us, completely deflated his anger.

I suggest you engage DD1 with the baby as much as possible to give her a sense of control and empowerment. When the baby cries, ask her what she thinks the baby needs. Maybe a new nappy? Perhaps she can help check. If she's hungry, help her feed her new sister. Two and a half year olds love to help, and being involved will make her feel like a "big girl." Praise her for being such a good helper for mummy and daddy.

I can't get over you playing on the floor for ages with play-doh and having time to write a wordy AIBU with a brand new baby and a toddler! That's very impressive.

I wouldn't worry too much about your toddler. It's early days.

ds "brought" a present for dd, it was wrapped up and put in his cot a nano second before she entered the room so it came from him, for her.

You are all adjusting. DD1 has had all her routines and familar world changed. We all talk to toddlers about siblings but they don't get it, until it arrives! Baby has arrived. Baby should have been exciting,..but baby doesnt do anything except take up mummy's time...
DH is adjusting. You are adjusting. You are muddling through as we all do. My DC2 was ignored a lot of the time at this stage in that they were just put down in mosses basket and not cuddled endlessly as I had a 2 year old to deal with.
In 2-3 weeks you will have found a new routine.
In 3 years time you'll worry that DC1 will miss DC2 when they start school...

This thread takes me back. It does get easier but the '2 kids shock' is real! For your DD1 as well.
My DC 1 was just under 2 when DC 2 came and, in hindsight, brilliant with the change. But we ended up doing different things a lot, ie I was isolating myself a bit with the baby (CS, premature, reflux ...) and DH took DC 1 out lots to give me peace & quiet. It was a strange and lonely experience, I missed DC 1 and struggled a bit to bond with DC 2. Also felt like DH missed out on DC 2.
Hang in these, what your DD1 is going through may feel unpleasant for her (and you!) but these feelings are not dangerous or harmful.

I had twins just before my dd turned 2. I set up a dress-up box with all kinds of second hand clothes. Some easy and some more difficult to put on. She loved to play with them while I was feeding the babies. I could watch her and chat with her while it was all happening. It's not impossible to keep the attention there and teach her some skills (like doing up buckles or threading laces into shoes, playing with zips and buttons, etc) It's also not normal to teach her that she has your undivided attention no matter what else is going on.

We watched Peppa Pig a lot before DC2 arrived, and I spent a lot of time pointing out how much fun Peppa has playing with George. DC1 could see how good it would be to have someone to play with all the time, and that worked well. He just spent quite a while asking me how old DC2 would have to be, to play properly! As soon as she could sit up, he was teaching her to play cars! They are inseparable now, at 2 and 4.

He had his fair share of toddler tantrums, and it wasn't easy, but DC2 is doing what he did, 2 years later, so her arrival can't have caused it!!

It gets better. What help will be for DH to spend plenty good time together with her. Particularly if you are breastfeeding. In the long-term they likely end up close friends being so close in age...

Aw, remember that well. My son was two and eight months when his sister arrived. I remember the tantrums then, but they are really close friends, and it's been lovely seeing them grow up together.

As everybody else has said, perfectly normal. My Dd1 was roughly the same age when DD2 came along and she struggle for the first couple of weeks and said - take her (DD2) back to the hospital. I remember crying and thinking how I'd spoilt everything by having a 2nd child and ruined the family dynamic and DD1's life! However, a few weeks later we all settled down and umpteen years later (apart from the normal sibling bickering) it's all great.

Hang onto to the fact it will get better.

Normal behaviour which will pass, don't worry. My DNiece 3 wanted to put her DB in the bin a few days after he was born. She was quite insistent. Now 21 and 18, they appear to have got over this rather shaky start!

My eldest was 3 1/2 when his twin siblings arrived 10 was early. We had a family bereavement a few weeks later so it's fair to say ds1 world was turned upside down. We made ds1 part of 'team parents' he was the big brother with loads of responsibility. It was his 'job' to collect all the nappy changing paraphernalia once the twins were home. He loved it and we never had any jealousy as it made him feel very grown up. Theyre all teenagers now but ds1 is still really protective of his siblings.

Obviously your dd is a bit younger but this might be something to try.

It's such a hard time, I really struggled and didn't know how to handle it at all. You sound like you're doing all the right things so keep going and know that it will be worth it when they're a little bit older and can play together. My 2 love each other now but the early days were really tough.

Have you got the book 'Little Monster Did It'? It's very helpful for processing sibling rivalry, but also just a great picture book.
I think it can be helpful to acknowledge that it's tough, otherwise she may feel her feelings are being ignored or denied.
FWIW, I hated my baby sister till she was about 12, but ever since then she's been my very best friend. Definitely worth being displaced for.