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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance aibu

74 replies

Newtothis2017 · 19/07/2017 20:28

So let me start by saying we are not talking about a lot of money.

I was adopted at birth. I have been in contact with my birth mother for the last 20 years. Her parents died 2 years ago and the estate has just been settled. Her parents wanted nothing to do with me as a baby or adult.

She has divided the inheritance left to the grandchildren between us ( 3 of them and me) all equally.

I don't know how i feel about this.

Would you keep the money? Give it back? Or pass it on to your own kids?

I am not talking about a life changing amount of money... more a weekend away.

Tia

OP posts:

HicDraconis · 19/07/2017 20:53

This is a tricky one! Technically you are their grandchild too, so if for example £4000 was left in the will "for our grandchildren" or "for the children of " then yes you are one and £1000 could be yours.

However - ethically and morally? These people were not your grandparents and wanted nothing to do with you. You think it's not how they would have wanted their money divided (and you're probably right). But - they're dead and so it's not going to upset them now. It obviously doesn't upset your mother as she's given it to you. What about the other 3 beneficiaries?

If I were one of the other grandchildren I might be pissed off that someone who had never had a relationship with my grandparents was taking money from their estate. Or I might think my GPs were complete dicks to behave the way they have towards you, welcome you as a half sib/cousin and hope you have a fab weekend away.

Personally I would be the latter but over a decade of reading MN has shown me that there are some very odd people out there.

Im actually not sure what I would do in your situation! Do you know your half sibs or cousins at all? Do you know what they think?

toosexyforyahshirt · 19/07/2017 20:55

Technically you are their grandchild too, so if for example £4000 was left in the will "for our grandchildren" or "for the children of " then yes you are one and £1000 could be yours

This is the opposite of the legal position.

Turvey94 · 19/07/2017 20:56

I would keep it. Perhaps its your dm's way of trying to make amends for your grandparents' unfair rejection of you. That must have really hurt your dm, as well as yourself. I would respect your mum's decision but it's your decision :)

BoffinMum · 19/07/2017 20:56

I would stick it into the bank for my own kids later on. This will do no harm.

Liiinoo · 19/07/2017 20:56

It's your birthmothers money now and she can spend it as she chooses. She is probably very happy to be able to do this little thing for you. Have that weekend away and send her a memento of it.

HicDraconis · 19/07/2017 20:56

I didn't pick up on the adoption point. Yes, once adopted you are legally no relation to birth parents or their parents. So if it was £X to the grandchildren - that doesn't include you.

It's still a lovely thing for your mum to do though.

EasterRobin · 19/07/2017 20:59

Your birth mum wants you to feel equal in status to the other children of your generation. To her you SHOULD be treated as an equal and, if you feel able to, you should accept this statement gracefully. The fact it's not a huge sum means it's mostly symbolic and should be treated as such. She might be very hurt by you refusing - so either enjoy it or, if you really don't want it, perhaps secretly give it to a relevant children's charity - and be pleased that your birth mum cares enough to go against her parents' wishes.

JaneEyre70 · 19/07/2017 21:00

I think it's a lovely gesture from your birth mother, and you should take it in the kind way it was offered.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 21:00

if it's bothering you THIS much....

give it back x

minniemummy0 · 19/07/2017 21:00

Keep it. Your grandparents are dead, they are not alive to be upset or bothered about it. Your birth mother however IS alive, and it obviously matters to her that you are recognised equally to the other grandchildren. Her opinion is more valid in my eyes. It's one small thing she has been able to do for you in life, seeing that you are properly recognised in this way.

lljkk · 19/07/2017 21:02

It's a gift from your birth mother. She could give it to someone else, but she wants you to have it. Keep it.

MyPepper · 19/07/2017 21:07

Your grand parents left some money to your birth mother. She has decided in turn to give it to other people of her choice.
Her choice as it is now her money.
One of the people she chose is YOU. And that's totally ok.

Also this is a beautiful gesture from your birth mother showing that in her own heart, you are equal to the other children she has. That she is making no difference at all between you (I suspect there is a story behind it, along the line that your birth mother didn't want to give you up for adoption but her parents would not accept the pregnancy).
It would be a shame to reject that.

Pomegranatepompom · 19/07/2017 21:08

What is the legal position for adopted children and inheriting from biological parents?

I think as it's not a large amount of money, probably keep it. If a large sum, I'd probably get legal advice.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2017 21:13

Accept the money and enjoy your weekend.

And please remember - by accepting it you are giving your birth mother joy. It sounds as though she would have loved keep you, but her parents made it impossible. Let her give you this little gift - it will mean a lot to her.

toosexyforyahshirt · 19/07/2017 21:14

What is the legal position for adopted children and inheriting from biological parents?

See several posts saying the legal position already.

toosexyforyahshirt · 19/07/2017 21:15

Your grand parents left some money to your birth mother. She has decided in turn to give it to other people of her choice

That isn't what the OP says. It specifically says She has divided the inheritance left to the grandchildren between us ( 3 of them and me) all equally

Tean1 · 19/07/2017 21:22

OP you need to clarify what the will in question said. It sounds like one of your birth mother's parents left a sum of money to be divided between their grandchildren. If that is the case, then the executor has made a mistake and the money should be returned, as an adopted child is not legally considered a child (or grandchild) of the birth family.

However, if the grandparent left the money to your birth mother, perhaps with an understanding that X amount would be shared with the grandchildren, then it is entirely her call and IIWU I would keep the money and spend it as you intended. If the latter is the case, then it is a lovely gesture and either way shows that your birth mother values your relationship.

I think you need to contact your birth mother to thank her for the money and try to find out the exact position.

gingergenius · 19/07/2017 21:23

It's entirely probable that OPs birth mother was left some money which she had chosen to share. If the not so Dgp left money for the non-adopted Dgc it's likely that DBM didn't want the OP to feel left out and so ensured the OP received an equal amount. More likely this than an illegal transaction I would imagine. Obviously just conjecture on my part but an entirely likely scenario.

Original poster

Newtothis2017 · 19/07/2017 21:23

Legally I have no right to it. It is not a large sum. Less than £1000. Half siblings know and don't have a problem with it. My birth mum feels terrible guilt in giving me away. It was not her choice but her parents decision. I have had a good life and love my parents. I have tried to ease her guilt and let her know I had a happy life. We have had a good relationship for the last 20 years. But I still think her parents would have not wanted me to have this money

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 19/07/2017 21:23

I know how you feel OP
your bm has given you some money that she wants you to have, please accept it.
It isn't nice to feel unwanted and shunned by your own blood relatives, but sod them, they are gone.
I hope you have a good relationship with your bm, it sounds it from your OP. Treat yourself to something nice, maybe something for your family so the money goes to something good.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 19/07/2017 21:24

Keep and treat yourself.

toosexyforyahshirt · 19/07/2017 21:25

Well if there is no-one to complain about it, nothing will happen even though it is illegal.
I'd keep it as a nice final fuck you to the grandparents, if they forced the adoption, they deserve it.

Original poster

Newtothis2017 · 19/07/2017 21:27

Sorry I missed a question. She just told me that a sum had been divided between her children. There are other gc but that is seperate. I didn't see the will nor would I ask. She told me I am getting the same as her other children and they know I am being given the same as them and they are happy with that.

OP posts:

gingergenius · 19/07/2017 21:28

@Newtothis2017 - if all are in the know and want you to have it, then do so with their blessing. The GPs sound horrible and your DBM clearly needs to do something to show you it wasn't her choice. Take the money, go on a fabulous holiday and make your DBM happy by showing her that you are living your wonderful life.

Pomegranatepompom · 19/07/2017 21:29

Definitely keep it if your half siblings are fine with it. You sound lovely OP as does your birth mum.
toosexy Sounds like you know about inheritance laws? I have a slightly related question.
Do you have the same inheritance rights if biological parents leave you money in a will?

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