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AIBU?

Complain about health visitor for asking if I am keeping "it"

45 replies

sophia282 · 19/07/2017 19:56

My health visitor has always been and persists to be patronising and irritating. I've had her for three years since I was 18, I think she thinks because of my age, it's ok to patronise me and assume I don't know what I'm doing. For example she told me not to use a walker for my son as it stunts their development and suggested I bin it all together. She also told me that I should not send my my daughter to nursery until she's at least 2 and made me feel ashamed because she starting going at 14 months. my daughter was born 13 weeks early and she came round before she was discharged from hospital and said "I wouldn't have anymore kids if I was you with her being so early, it's cruel to put another child through that".

Our daughters 18 months old now, our son is 3. Despite me being only 21, I've just graduated, my partner has a very good job, we have our own home etc and decided to go for baby number 3.

She came round for a routine appointment for my daughter and I told her I was pregnant again (11 weeks) she sounded completely shocked and said "are you going through with it?" I said yes and she said "you must be crazy" and then tried to laugh it off. After she left she said "hopefully you can manage to keep this one in a bit longer" it wasn't said in a nasty or bitchy way, more a jokey shocked but patronising way. I feel so angry and annoyed but am I justified in complaining about her? I want a different health visitor all together.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 19/07/2017 19:59

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WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 19/07/2017 20:00

It's not your age... I've had several like it and heard same stories too.
Sometimes they are right but it feels as if they always try to find something you're doing wrong.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 19/07/2017 20:01

YADNBU! Ask for a different HV!

Katescurios · 19/07/2017 20:01

I would ask for different HV, decline the visits or choose to go to the walk in clinics instead if you want to maintain the HV support.

honeysucklejasmine · 19/07/2017 20:01

Do you need her to visit? If not, tell her you don't want to see her again.

gingergenius · 19/07/2017 20:02

The baby walker thing is well documented but if you're not happy, write to your health centre and make your concerns known? If you don't feel comfortable with the care you are receiving, then do say something. You sound determined and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let someone else's narrow opinion of you define you. Best of luck with number 3 x

NellieFiveBellies · 19/07/2017 20:03

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SittingAround1 · 19/07/2017 20:05

She sounds insensitive, especially her last comment about keeping it in longer.
Can you ask to change HV?

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 19/07/2017 20:06

Apart from the walker thing, which they do advice against she sounds quite unprofessional at best, nasty at worst. Even then there are ways of saying things! Plus your decision should be respected, it's not as if they are banned.

I didn't have a named health visitor and you do learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. You don't have to engage with them at all but if you would like to just write to the surgery and request a different one. YWNBU to complain and I would but focus on her unprofessional comments as if you focus on any advice you will just received receive justifications which will be even more annoying!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

She sounds like a cow. (Don't put that in your complaint.)

SaucyJack · 19/07/2017 20:07

She was tactless, but equally- it's reasonable for her to assume that if you're allowing her round for routine visits now your child is well over the age of one then that's because you want or need her opinion on how to bring up your children.

It's an optional service. Unless there's a backstory, and your family has been assessed as needing to comply with professional support, then just stop have her round. It's that easy.

LumpySpaceCow · 19/07/2017 20:08

Change HV or decline visits - they are not compulsory unless requests by children's services. You can always visit the clinic if you need support.
For what it's worth, it isn't your age - I've had some tit head HVs but also some fantastic ones!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2017 20:09

You need to stand up for yourself and demand a new HV. She sounds like a condescending bitch.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 19/07/2017 20:09

Please excuse my typos...I hate this tablet.

sophia282 · 19/07/2017 20:09

She is only visiting me because of my daughters extreme prematurity as it was requested by my daughters nurses as developmentally she is behind still not walking etc

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zzzzz · 19/07/2017 20:09

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coddiwomple · 19/07/2017 20:10

In my area, we barely have a visit with a newborn and are completely on our own after, so it's probably more the fact that you are on a book (for whatever reasons) than your actual age. She is there to give you advice and help I would imagine.
She is right about the walker.

I didn't even know you could have a HV for a 3 year old, that's how sparse they are locally.

Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 20:10

If your DD is old enough for nursery why is the HV still coming? Are there other issues we don't know about?

The advice regarding the baby walker is right - it does harm developing bones/muscles. The advice about waiting to ttc is right too if DD was premature due to a maternal condition or genetic illness.

kaytee87 · 19/07/2017 20:10

She's rude. You can decline her visits or ask for someone else.

sophia282 · 19/07/2017 20:12

My daughter was born due to an infection which made my waters rupture not because of any maternal defect or incompetent cervix etc my son was 2 weeks overdue

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FrogsSitonLogs · 19/07/2017 20:13

Well she's not wrong about the walker. They are a well known cause of accidents plus they put the hips in an unnatural position and cause babies to be mobile way before they are ready to be. 20 minutes is the max amount of time a baby should be in one.

sophia282 · 19/07/2017 20:15

I appreciate she may be correct about the walker but not every parent agrees with that comment, I'm sure there's lots of people on here that did and do use walkers

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Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 20:15

Are there other issues though OP? Seems like overkill even having a HV this long.

sophia282 · 19/07/2017 20:16

I was ok with her passing over that information but not her attempting to influence me to get rid of it that is my choice

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cardibach · 19/07/2017 20:16

She does seem to be unreasonable but equally she didn't say are you keeping it as your title said. 'Are you going through with it' means the pregnancy, not the baby.

sophia282 · 19/07/2017 20:17

No other issues apart from my daughter is significantly delayed because of her prematurity and she had several bleeds on the brain, she also is on 24/7 oxygen and has a hole in her heart which she has surgery for in October

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