Complain about health visitor for asking if I am keeping "it"

[sophia282]

My health visitor has always been and persists to be patronising and irritating. I've had her for three years since I was 18, I think she thinks because of my age, it's ok to patronise me and assume I don't know what I'm doing. For example she told me not to use a walker for my son as it stunts their development and suggested I bin it all together. She also told me that I should not send my my daughter to nursery until she's at least 2 and made me feel ashamed because she starting going at 14 months. my daughter was born 13 weeks early and she came round before she was discharged from hospital and said "I wouldn't have anymore kids if I was you with her being so early, it's cruel to put another child through that".

Our daughters 18 months old now, our son is 3. Despite me being only 21, I've just graduated, my partner has a very good job, we have our own home etc and decided to go for baby number 3.

She came round for a routine appointment for my daughter and I told her I was pregnant again (11 weeks) she sounded completely shocked and said "are you going through with it?" I said yes and she said "you must be crazy" and then tried to laugh it off. After she left she said "hopefully you can manage to keep this one in a bit longer" it wasn't said in a nasty or bitchy way, more a jokey shocked but patronising way. I feel so angry and annoyed but am I justified in complaining about her? I want a different health visitor all together.

Parents do all sorts of things, doesn't always mean it's the right thing to do. They don't help babies to walk though.

Just because she is right about some things it doesn't mean she isn't rude, unprofessional or unhelpful. As I said there are ways of saying things. I work with families and some of the things I need to comunicate may not be what they want to hear but I want to keep a good relationship and need to consider whether a)it's important in the grand scheme of things and b)how respectful I'm being.

Complain and/or request someone else.

It doesn't sound like you need her IMHO.

I was 18, I think she thinks because of my age, it's ok
I doubt its your age. She probably talks like that to everyone.

Get rid of the HV. It sounds like you can manage on your own. If you feel you need support, you can ask for help from another HV. She sounds awfully judgemental and unprofessional. She also sounds like she has got too involved in your life to make such throwaway comments and think she can get away with it.

She a rude dick. You will get people just going on about the walkers now.
Change to a different hv.

Hi Sophia,
She sounds lacking in interpersonal skills for sure!
I'd explain to the HV team by phone that you no longer require the team to visit and if you need any further support, you'll pop to the clinic.

In the first instance, they were being helpful as your dd is still on oxygen and has a heart condition but unless you need the HV to come round to the house for actual help with her, I'd say she no longer needs to come.

She sounds a bit old school with her style of approach but that doesn't mean it's correct. I never understand why Hvs don't have to update their training, knowledge and interpersonal skills as midwives and most other professionals do and seem to be allowed o be totally biased in their advice and 'care' giving.

Be true to your own convictions and .youll be fine smile]

After she left she said "hopefully you can manage to keep this one in a bit longer for that comment alone I would make a formal complaint. Have a perm baby is frigging awful enough without jokes about you being responsible. And as a fellow o2mommy I know how incredibly hard it is dealing with all that extra stuff too. I'm so angry for you

Do you have a child development center etc near you? I swapped my generic HV for one used to dealing with babies with extra needs. They run a play group too which we love. Are you getting physiotherapy and other support?
from mommy of a complicated baby to another.

Oh and for those saying the walker info from the HV was fine........the issue wasn't about not using them full stop....it was a) about hip development if left in them for hours and b) that they were a possible tilt hazard so warned never to leave babies in them unsupervised.

There is a bit of drip feeding going on here. Initially I was with you but you are coming across as a bit stubborn. Your dd was very premature and has significant medical needs. She is likely to be a bit more vulnerable to respiratory bugs than other toddlers. I would not put her into nursery until 2 years old. It sounds like you have had a tough time. Many people in your shoes would not be able to face another pregnancy at this stage. You don't need to see the HV again though. I haven't seen one for 18 months since DS was 6 months old.

I've had a premature baby that is truly awful what she said to you. So insensitive.

I don't even have kids and when I went to the clinic to get my implant taken out and I was asked cheerily 'are you okay? Needing an abortion or anything?'.

My exmil was a HV and she said they do see lots of women who are abused and so they need to offer a place for them to speak up.

Yes it's patronising but I'll put up with it if means that it gives another woman a chance to get help.

Actually no reading back she does sound awful! Sorry x

You dont have to have hv. Request another one or leave the service if not happy. Her comments from my experience are hv not age related!!!!

Horrid judgemental woman. Stop letting her into your house.

For example she told me not to use a walker for my son as it stunts their development and suggested I bin it all together

She's right. They are banned in other countries, they are horrible things for many reasons.

I think you just don't like her.

ps the issue wasn't about not using them full stop

Yes, it is.

What the fuck has happened to MN?! Making comments about going private? Zoning in on one comment and ignoring the outragous unprofessional ones?

YANBU at all and ignores some of the posters up thread who love to disagree with anyone. They could start a row in an empty room. The walker comment was fine but everything else was below the belt and needs reporting to her manager. You're a more vulnerable mum because of your daughter's needs and you don't deserve to be spoken to like that.

Just don't see her any more. She sounds like a dick.