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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a dear friend she might be making a big mistake?

26 replies

MargeryFenworthy · 19/07/2017 19:01

Just that really. A dear friend is in the midst of a life changing move (quite literally) and I fear that it's not the best decision for her. It may well be so for her DH but I worry that she will be isolated, unfulfilled and possibly ultimately resentful: she is leaving behind a great career, support structure and friends for a huge move with a husband who is not always the easiest to live with. Should I voice my concerns? Or am I better to provide discreet support at a distance?

OP posts:
ScarletSienna · 19/07/2017 19:03

If it was a close friend of mine, I'd say something. Just along the lines of, "I'm sure you've thought all this but...". I'd hope friends of mine would do the same too.

I wouldn't go about it saying, "I am really worried about you doing this because..." as that seems more interfering somehow.

BellyBean · 19/07/2017 19:34

Could you ask how she's feeling about it all? If she's not overwhelming positive, it could be a way in?

SwissChristmasMuseum · 19/07/2017 19:40

Does she want to go and how old is she? Has she got children?

TippyTinkleTrousers · 19/07/2017 19:44

I've got a very close friend that has not only done this once but twice with her DH.

She's on her second stint right now and we never thought it would work but it seem s to be. She seems happy.

She's halfway round the world though so we miss her. Sad

I say support her but discuss the worries that she is willing to discuss. She would have thought if everything you have mentioned anyway, but she doesn't need someone talking her out of it. She needs support and knowing you'll be there if it all goes tits up. Which it might not.

Allthewaves · 19/07/2017 20:10

I'm guessing she's thought it all through. i'd go with, i'm going to miss you. If she's excited she's not going to want u to rain on her parade.

caffeinequick · 19/07/2017 20:28

Having been the one to do the move I'd say support her and let her open up to you if she wants to. I had a friend who was opposed and I ended up feeling like I could confide in her at all.

mygorgeousmilo · 19/07/2017 20:43

As the friend of someone who has done it, and is now trapped - please open up to her! My oldest and closest friend has done all of the above, with a mean and controlling man-child, and now is just a stuck. No more career, no money of her own, self esteem in the toilet and physically very much isolated from friends and family. I wish I'd said something at the beginning. She may or may not have listened, but at least I'd have tried.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 19/07/2017 21:59

Tell her!

I made a very similar move. It was the worst mistake of my life. Since moving back, so many friends and Family have told me how they thought it was a mistake. They give reasons which make sense, and say they didn't want to put a downer on things. If just one person had told me what they felt, at least I would've had to think it over again and maybe doubted my decision enough to not move.

I moved away from friends, family, career, house, money, independence. I lived with him for 6 months. I've lost so much because of this move, and really resent the friends and family who now say 'they knew it wouldn't work'.

Original poster
MargeryFenworthy · 20/07/2017 08:43

I am undecided. She is a grown woman with a child who knows her own mind and may not appreciate my candour. Husband is moody and lazy and I suppose I just worry that she will be isolated so far away without the support she has here.

OP posts:
Iikkiilloo · 20/07/2017 08:59

I wouldn't say anything. It's not the type of thing she will have agreed to do without giving it serious thought.

senua · 20/07/2017 09:05

Maybe a comment along the lines of "gosh, I could never do that" and then get her to verbalise her thinking. So it's not you judging or being negative; it's her explaining.
Sometimes it's only when you talk things through with other people that you really crystalise your thinking.

senua · 20/07/2017 09:08

And drop the big hint that if she finds it was a mistake she has changed her mind then you have a spare bedroom she can escape back to.

NCEndOfLifeDilemma · 20/07/2017 09:11

Does she find her husband a lazy man-child? Or have you ever offered that opinion of him before? You could discuss how she thinks the loss of her support network will be managed.

MaryTheCanary · 20/07/2017 09:15

Maybe a comment along the lines of "gosh, I could never do that" and then get her to verbalise her thinking. So it's not you judging or being negative; it's her explaining.

Really like this idea. There is no way this woman is not worrying about some aspects of this proposed move.

ChinUpChestOut · 20/07/2017 09:17

Like BellyBean said, I would ask how she's feeling about the move - maybe a couple of targeted questions like "do you think you'll be working full time or part time, once you move?". It might make her think about what she will do, and how she will do it - the thought of having nothing to do all day, and no one to do any activities with might prompt a bit of re-think.

MurielsBottom · 20/07/2017 09:20

How far into the move is she? I think if she was past the point of no return then I would keep quiet. However if she isn't there yet then you could ask some gentle questions along the lines of "how are you going to cope if . . ?"

Do you know what has inspired the move?

ajandjjmum · 20/07/2017 09:20

Maybe start a conversation by saying how much you'll miss her and how much you value your friendship and the support she gives you, and you hope you'll be able to offer the same support when she's away. Then see if she opens up.

Hard I know, but I think maybe you need to leave your dislike of her DH to one side, and focus on what she'll need to do to help her settle.

rainbowduck · 20/07/2017 09:31

As pp have said, perhaps ask her if she is sure (say you are being selfish and that you will miss her) but ultimately it is her life and her decision. All you can do is support her.

GabsAlot · 20/07/2017 10:11

is her h controlling has she ever voiced concerns before or is this just your view of him

ellenripleysbiceps · 20/07/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 20/07/2017 10:48

Blimey, tough one. Obviously you wouldn't phrase it like ''this could be a big mistake'' but I would think of as many ways as possible to phrase suggestions such as ''can you keep your finger in at your old work''
"And sure if you end up back here you could buy a small place right?"

Force her to confront the situation she'll be in when it hits the skids but couch the warnings as though you are talking about some highly unlikely worst case scenario.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 20/07/2017 10:56

Ellenripleysbiceps that's salvageable surely? Acknowledge the awkwardness. Send her a card saying that you're not thinking tell her you're glad she's back because although there's some awkwardness right now you're optimistic it'll all be be forgotten, and with her being a braver risk taker, she should take a risk on a night out some time.

Or would that be the line?! How many good friends has she got? Most people can't spare a really good old friend.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 20/07/2017 10:57

Editing fail. What a jumbled post [shame]

ellenripleysbiceps · 20/07/2017 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MargeryFenworthy · 20/07/2017 19:14

Her plans are fully in motion now so it would be difficult to call a halt at this stage. I think all I can do is to be there before she leaves for the other side of the world and hope that it works out.

OP posts: