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DH thinks IABU with him, am I?

59 replies

Delancy · 18/07/2017 19:09

This is a running theme in our marriage and causes rows, he thinks I'm unreasonably horrible to him, I think I'm voicing concerns over risks he takes which affect all of us and/or his terrible planning, which often affects the whole family and sometimes our finances and quite honestly stress me.

Today, our DS2 is playing with our telephone at home, so I tell him DH's number to call him and chat. I don't hear the conversation they have.

Later DH comes home at quarter to 6 with a tray of mangoes saying that DS had asked for some, and asks me what time the shops shut as he still has not managed to buy a suit for the job interview he has tomorrow. He has one already but it has frayed pockets and does look shabby, he felt uncomfortable in it and had planned to pick up a new suit today. He works for himself at the moment so could have done this, and did manage to find time to get his haircut. He told me he left work at 5pm to get a suit but needed to buy the mangoes first as he thought I had decided that was more important and so that's why I had got DS2 to phone him to ask.

I was staggered by his logic, I think I said something like 'Why did you think it was more important to buy mangoes than to buy your suit for your interview tomorrow?' (Not to mention why he hadn't sorted it earlier in the day.)

He immediately turns defensive and shouty, ending up telling me that when I make mistakes he never treats me so badly as I always do to him. I don't think that's entirely true as there have been so many times he's let me down by being late for things, or not doing things because he ran out of time and I often don't say anything, especially lately, as I've learnt it always leads to rows. He is overly defensive to any sense of criticism and usually shouts at me, and often straight away. Sometimes I don't say anything back, sometimes I talk back and manage to stay calm, sometimes I also shout back at him.

He does do a lot for us, is very generous and loving man, but is so clueless with planning, budgeting, time management it has caused me a great deal of stress as we are in business together and his constantly slipping schedule (not that he even has a schedule) impacts us financially, and its always up to me to do the mop up and rescue the situation. He has a much higher tolerance for being in debt than I have.

I also think he has an anger problem, but its so difficult to raise this with him for obvious reasons.
He usually blames me, saying I'm unreasonably critical and horrible, that's why he's like that.
I'm not sure if IABU with him, as there are a lot of points I do question with him and can't completely trust him with, but that is more to do with us being in business together and with his track record. He sees it more as an issue I have trusting him specifically, and thus gets angry about it.

What would you do? Both generally and in that specific example tonight? Do you think he has a point and IABU with him, and should just let smaller things like this go, and what does that mean in reality, I just say nothing about it?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2017 19:13

I think he's completely bonkers and would've given him the death stare if he suggested that I prioritised mangoes over an interview suit.


19lottie82 · 18/07/2017 19:14

I think that you can't really compare buying mangos to a suit, maybe he was passing a supermarket.

Also, did you really have to start having a go at him? He's a grown man and you're not his mother. A simple, "the out of town shopping centre is open until 8", would have sufficed, no?

I obviously can't see the whole situation / bigger picture but if my OH spoke to me like that I'd get a bit defensive / peed off.


NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/07/2017 19:14

YANBU I'm guessing he didn't buy the suite because he doesn't want the job and the mangos are just a red herring.


Groupie123 · 18/07/2017 19:15

If you're so much better than him why don't you run the business? Or are we not getting the full story?


Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 18/07/2017 19:18

"the out of town shopping centre is open until 8", would have sufficed, no?

I agree, pick your battles I say.


Sushi123 · 18/07/2017 19:18

He sounds exactly like my ex...crazy, bizarre decisions and taking everything I said as a criticism or insult, then getting all defensive! It was like being with someone from a different planet. I felt more lonely when I was with him than I do now that it's just me and our toddler.


teaandtoast · 18/07/2017 19:19

Probably a bad idea for ds2 to ring him to chat, whilst he was at work.

You could say from now on, that you will let him know if you need him to pick up anything.


caffeinestream · 18/07/2017 19:21

In the specific example, I would have told him to try a 24h supermarket for a suit or a big shopping centre that's open late, and said thanks for the mangoes for DS.

Saying he managed to get a hair cut and buy mangoes but not a suit is a bit irrelevant really - you can do both those things without passing a shop that sells suits.

There are clearly some deeper issues here - you seem easily frustrated by him but from such a small snapshot it's hard to say whether those feelings are reasonable or not.


thebigbluedustbin · 18/07/2017 19:21

Couldn't be bothered with this myself. Sounds just like my ex -- could be an asshole to me as much as he wanted to be, but if I ever made even a little comment about him doing something he got all angry and defensive and called me 'mean'.


ChaChaChaCh4nges · 18/07/2017 19:22

Did you even want mangoes? Or did DS2 make it all up?


PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 18/07/2017 19:25

I'm confused...did ds actually need mangoes?


PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 18/07/2017 19:27

Great minds, ChaCha!


mumeeee · 18/07/2017 19:27

I think YABU. He asked you a question and you should have just answered instead of having a go at him


thekillers · 18/07/2017 19:41

Why did you get your child to call him at work?


MsJudgemental · 18/07/2017 19:45

Why did you ask your daughter to phone him? Why is he going for a job interview if you are in business together? Any sensible person would have gone and bought a suit rather than mangoes, but surely the interview has not come as a surprise, so why has he left it this late anyway?


Outnotdown · 18/07/2017 19:47

I think YANBU, his behaviour sounds irritating at best. I would worry more about the defensiveness and anger management. Marriage counselling? Might save a lot of petty rows.


Delancy · 18/07/2017 19:49

Well, I think I did start by answering his question and saying the shops close at 6pm. Then I checked online just in case. Then I asked him what time was interview tomorrow - he didn't answer, and when I asked him again he snapped that he was looking it up on his phone.

Funnily enough I did say the only place open now is Tesco, and he laughed. Then it went wrong when I said 'Why didn't you leave earlier?' and he said he did leave at 5pm but he had to stop to get the mangoes because I wanted him to. I didn't want any mangoes, DS had just decided to ask for some and I had no idea, so I told him that. Even if I had, why would that mean he prioritises that over getting his suit, I don't know.
That's when I said 'why would you prioritise that...' and he started back at me.

Something like that anyway. Don't you wish you had those recording cameras in your kitchen to record these rows to help make sense of them afterwards?

Thing is, I'm so exasperated with him, it probably comes out all stressy rather than calm talking as I'd like it to. Sometimes I manage to stay calm, but he can probably pick up on suppressed irritation in my voice. I can't help feeling he's more of a liability at times.

He's working for us/himself right now, so its not uncommon to speak to each other often during the day, and he loves his kids so much, I knew he would be really happy for DS to call him.

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 18/07/2017 19:51

That's the kind of thing my DD, 18, would do. She has dyspraxia.

If he really has no planning, organisational, time management skills, maybe it is 'can't' rather than 'doesn't bother'?

(Now you tell me he has a highly responsible logistics job)


Msqueen33 · 18/07/2017 19:52

My dh can be like this. Stupidly unable to prioritise. He grew up with a mother who thought the sun shone out of his arse. He's very quick tempered and doesn't take well to criticism even when it's only mild and then becomes very grumpy saying I can't take criticism. I feel your pain.


MsLexicon · 18/07/2017 19:55

Sounds like you two do nothing but row...
I am unsure if you love each other but it does not sound like it.
He is annoying to buy mangoes instead of a suit but if he wants to go to an interview looking like a hobo...ahem! isn't that up to him?
It takes 5 minutes to pick up some mangoes but probably 2 hours to find a suit so you can surely see what happened?
I think he did not have also could have ordered one online if you really HAD been organised...
You said he is loving and kind...but why in heck's name do you not stop being in business together if he annoys you so much?
Really you are going to ruin the parts of him that are good and make him so bad tempered... he is NEVER going to be organised, so either you do it or quit.


Floggingmolly · 18/07/2017 19:55

Why did you think giving your ds (toddler?) your DH's number to call during a working day was a good idea? Maybe your DH assumed you had an immediate and urgent need for mangoes, and would have gotten untold grief if he'd arrived home with a suit instead?
Leave him alone when he's supposed to be working.


BackforGood · 18/07/2017 19:57

Why on earth would you not only let, but actually suggest your ds calls him at work ??? Confused

So, to start with, yes, YABU about that.

Are you very rural ? I can think of quite a lot of places I could go to from here where you can buy clothes later than 6.

However, frustrating though it is, he's a grown man, if he'd rather wear an older suit than organise time to get a new one, then so be it. Not what you would do, but his choice.


Bluntness100 · 18/07/2017 20:02

Sounds to me like he was scared to get into another argument so thought he should get the mangoes.

He's explained what he thought. He thought you wanted mangoes. Depends how your son asked him. Listen to what he's saying. He thought this is what you wanted so he did it.

I don't think it sounds like a man making stupid decisions, I think it sounds like a man trying to avoid more fights.


Slowtrain2dawn · 18/07/2017 20:03

Points that jumped out for me were: You usually keep quiet because he has an anger issue. He calls you mean and horrible if you challenge him. He takes risks with family finances. He says it's your fault he gets angry/ defensive. It's also your fault he doesn't have a new suit. You can't trust him to behave like an adult so you are being sucked into treating him like a child. Does he take responsibility for anything?
I would disengage and let him make his own mistakes, but ensure I do not take any blame either. If you can't resolve minor conflicts like this it suggests something is wrong. He sounds quite manipulative to me.


ChicRock · 18/07/2017 20:12

Oh come on people, the man has left it until 5pm the night before an interview to think about buying a suit for the interview.

He sounds like a lazy twat and has taken the opportunity to blame the OP for his lack of planning and foresight - if he can't be arsed checking for himself what time the shops close why the fuck should the OP know/have to do it for him.

I agree with a PP, the mangoes are a red herring and when he doesn't get the job tomorrow, it'll be your fault because he felt uncomfortable in his shabby suit and couldn't concentrate properly because he'd argued with you and blah fucking blah.

I couldn't put up with such a whineyarse gobshite.

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