This is a running theme in our marriage and causes rows, he thinks I'm unreasonably horrible to him, I think I'm voicing concerns over risks he takes which affect all of us and/or his terrible planning, which often affects the whole family and sometimes our finances and quite honestly stress me.
Today, our DS2 is playing with our telephone at home, so I tell him DH's number to call him and chat. I don't hear the conversation they have.
Later DH comes home at quarter to 6 with a tray of mangoes saying that DS had asked for some, and asks me what time the shops shut as he still has not managed to buy a suit for the job interview he has tomorrow. He has one already but it has frayed pockets and does look shabby, he felt uncomfortable in it and had planned to pick up a new suit today. He works for himself at the moment so could have done this, and did manage to find time to get his haircut. He told me he left work at 5pm to get a suit but needed to buy the mangoes first as he thought I had decided that was more important and so that's why I had got DS2 to phone him to ask.
I was staggered by his logic, I think I said something like 'Why did you think it was more important to buy mangoes than to buy your suit for your interview tomorrow?' (Not to mention why he hadn't sorted it earlier in the day.)
He immediately turns defensive and shouty, ending up telling me that when I make mistakes he never treats me so badly as I always do to him. I don't think that's entirely true as there have been so many times he's let me down by being late for things, or not doing things because he ran out of time and I often don't say anything, especially lately, as I've learnt it always leads to rows. He is overly defensive to any sense of criticism and usually shouts at me, and often straight away. Sometimes I don't say anything back, sometimes I talk back and manage to stay calm, sometimes I also shout back at him.
He does do a lot for us, is very generous and loving man, but is so clueless with planning, budgeting, time management it has caused me a great deal of stress as we are in business together and his constantly slipping schedule (not that he even has a schedule) impacts us financially, and its always up to me to do the mop up and rescue the situation. He has a much higher tolerance for being in debt than I have.
I also think he has an anger problem, but its so difficult to raise this with him for obvious reasons.
He usually blames me, saying I'm unreasonably critical and horrible, that's why he's like that.
I'm not sure if IABU with him, as there are a lot of points I do question with him and can't completely trust him with, but that is more to do with us being in business together and with his track record. He sees it more as an issue I have trusting him specifically, and thus gets angry about it.
What would you do? Both generally and in that specific example tonight? Do you think he has a point and IABU with him, and should just let smaller things like this go, and what does that mean in reality, I just say nothing about it?