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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To track him down and send him a letter

32 replies

Girlfrommars77 · 18/07/2017 16:45

Please tell me iabu as I feel a bit like I'm going loopy. I'm now in my thirties. I lost my virginity a long time ago when I had just turned 14 to a man in his 20s. It wasn't nice, he got me drunk and it was a one night stand. All I knew about him was his name, which has fairly unusual surname. As I say this was a long time ago in my home town miles and miles from where I live now.

I've been thinking about this incident for some reason lately and feeling upset by it. I have struggled with intimate relationships all my adult life and think this is a factor. I googled him, found his name on a work website, and a school website where he is a school governor - there are photos and it is him. He lives less than five miles from me in my new city with a wife and two daughters.

I want to send him a letter telling him who I am and what happened hurt me. I know I shouldn't as it won't achieve anything but i feel angry at him even though it was 20 years ago.

This is a totally u and out of order thing to do though isn't it?

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 18/07/2017 16:48

You were raped. I am so sorry that happened to you.

You could consider involving the police but genuinely I don't think contacting the guy in question would help you in any way.

Have you had any counselling?

Lj8893 · 18/07/2017 16:49

YABU to send him a letter, as it won't achieve anything and potentially will make you feel angrier.

Yanbu to feel the way you do though

rizlett · 18/07/2017 16:53

Write your letter op - but it wouldn't be wise to send it.

Consider contacting someone experienced in this kind of thing who can help you work through your feelings.

Original poster

Girlfrommars77 · 18/07/2017 17:11

That's a helpful thought to just write it rizlett

jacques it was consensual

OP posts:

HipsterHunter · 18/07/2017 17:13

Writing it might be really helpful in a way to process your feelings.

I'm not sure actually sending it would be good because what are you wanting out of it? For him to feel bad To apologize? How woudl you feel bad if he got in contact with you and did something horrible like laugh?

Theresnonamesleft · 18/07/2017 17:14

It wasn't consensual, sorry. You were under age and in addition you were drunk.
Did you know him before this?

FastAbsorbingCake · 18/07/2017 17:19

I say this nicely, it wasn't consensual, you weren't old enough to consent, it was rape.

He was a lot older and knew what he was doing, no matter what way you look at it he was the adult, even if you had stripped and flung yourself on him(not saying you did) it was up to him to walk away.

I second @rizlett advice.
Consider speaking to someone and be kind to yourself

Moanyoldcow · 18/07/2017 17:26

It wasn't consensual - you were under the age of consent and were drunk.

I suspect you feel the way you do is that on some level you feel taken advantage of.

He was an adult. You were a child.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Sprinklestar · 18/07/2017 17:37

It sounds like you were raped. Would reporting it, even after all this time, help you process things?

MyPepper · 18/07/2017 17:41

It wasn't consensual.
You were underage and he was way over 18yo. He git tu drunk so you couldn't actually really consent to the act.

I'm sorry but use i do think too thatbthis was a rape and I'm nuit surprised it still has some effects now.:(

I would write the letter and then burn it. Sending it won't make a big difference if it does make any.
And maybe also talk to Rape Crisis about it. It sounds like this is something you need to talk about and get off your chest iyswim

Upanddownroundandround · 18/07/2017 17:43

Honestly I would seek help in the form of counselling and soon. I wouldn't contact him. I can't see how that would help you.

MineKraftCheese · 18/07/2017 17:43

He was in his 20s and he hit a 14 year old drunk and had sex with her.

An adult wanting to have sex with a fourteen year old is a paedophile.

I'd be worried about young students at his school, daughters etc.

MineKraftCheese · 18/07/2017 17:44

Got not hit

ellenripleysbiceps · 18/07/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Refilona · 18/07/2017 17:47

As a teacher, I would be very worried that a school governor once raped a 14 year old girl. I would report to the police.

toastandbutterandjam · 18/07/2017 17:48

Something similar happened to me (different situation etc). The person that did it is now dead. I hate that he's dead because I do, in some ways, want to express my anger and hurt at what he did to me, but I can't because he isn't here.

I have written letters and ripped them up. That's helped. I often wonder if he was alive and I sent the letter, how I would feel after i'd posted it (if that makes sense). Would I feel regret? shame? anger?
What if I got a reply? What if I got no reply?
Every time I feel like this, I write a letter to him and tear it up. It does help.

ellenripleysbiceps · 18/07/2017 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoloD · 18/07/2017 17:50

I would urge you to talk to the police, lets be realistic it's difficult to prove now so much time has elapsed but others may have been affected and if there are other victims your account might change things.

At the least he will be flagged up by the police.

I sort of understand what you are going through. My sister was raped. It's difficult to build trust after that. Counselling may help. All the best.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 18/07/2017 17:51

Sorry that happened to you.

I don't think it would hel you to write that letter personally but it might help to report it. I have no idea on the ins and out of how this might work but given his position of want it on record.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 18/07/2017 17:53

That's awful. Not surprised that stayed with you.

pasturesgreen · 18/07/2017 17:54

Something very similar happened to me, although I was older than you were. It took me years to come to term with the fact I was raped, I haven't actually had sex since and to top it all off I was sexually assaulted years later. So I just wanted to give you an unmumsnetty hug and tell you that I do sympathise deeply It's shit, it really is. Write that letter, you can decide later what to do with it.

Firesuit · 18/07/2017 17:56

you weren't old enough to consent, it was rape

Sorry for a pedantic response that doesn't help the OP, but this is wrong. You have to be under 13 to be deemed unable to consent making sex automatically rape. What happened was still illegal, but because the law says someone age 13 to 15 can consent, I think the crime committed is called something like "sexual activity with a child", rather than rape.

JustifiedandAncient80 · 18/07/2017 17:56

Acceptable behaviour has changed an awful lot in the last couple of years. We know now that some of the sexual experiences that some of us had 20 years ago were unhealthy and that older men took advantage. But, as you said at the time you classed it as consentual - I belived I knew what I was doing at 14 too. Get some counselling, (one of the processes used may be writing a letter that you do not send). Making a complaint is not always the way to achieve peace with your past.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 18/07/2017 18:02

Did he know you were 14 ?

Hellothereitsme · 18/07/2017 18:15

if you report it I assume it would sit on a file somewhere. However say someone else has also reported him for same behaviour this could become evidence. Isn't that how some of these older cases come up in court?

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