To track him down and send him a letter

[Girlfrommars77]

Please tell me iabu as I feel a bit like I'm going loopy. I'm now in my thirties. I lost my virginity a long time ago when I had just turned 14 to a man in his 20s. It wasn't nice, he got me drunk and it was a one night stand. All I knew about him was his name, which has fairly unusual surname. As I say this was a long time ago in my home town miles and miles from where I live now.

I've been thinking about this incident for some reason lately and feeling upset by it. I have struggled with intimate relationships all my adult life and think this is a factor. I googled him, found his name on a work website, and a school website where he is a school governor - there are photos and it is him. He lives less than five miles from me in my new city with a wife and two daughters.

I want to send him a letter telling him who I am and what happened hurt me. I know I shouldn't as it won't achieve anything but i feel angry at him even though it was 20 years ago.

This is a totally u and out of order thing to do though isn't it?

Do you mind if I ask - and tell me to mind my own business - is it that you feel taken advent of , due to the disparity in ages, or would you feel the same way had the other person been 14 as well?

Secondly - what do you want to achieve? Are you mentally strong enough to go through a court case?

*taken advantage of etc

It's awful that you went through this - obviously a traumatic experience if it is affecting you 20 years on.

If I was you the self preservation side of me would tempt me to try and put it behind me - I am not convinced any good will come from contacting him and it could make you feel worse by opening up old wounds. He is also likely to deny it and go on the offensive. The previous idea of writing the letter but not sending it sounds a good one, perhaps you could show it to a trusted friend or therapist as a way of getting it off your chest?

On the other hand, what if every victim acted like this? These men could get away with it for years (and possibly pass this behaviour on). It is a tricky situation to be in, but I would still consider sorting out your emotions and healing your mind of this experience as a priority first. If you then still want to contact, confront or report him then at least you'll be in a stronger state of mind to cope.

Hello,

I'm not sure what I want to achieve - I think just to make him aware of what happened and how it affected me. I wouldn't want a reply - the thought fills me with horror - and wouldn't include contact details.

I don't know if he knew how old I was, I only met him on that one day.

I wouldn't speak to the police - it's not appropriate.

I've been quite shocked by some of the responses on here, but thank you for kind words.

justified I think you're right

Sending an anonymous letter isn't the way to deal with it.

FWIW, have you ever had counselling ? It might be a better solution.

I'm amazed at so many people telling you not to write. Of what you want is to have your say, and let him know the impact it has had on you, writing would be a good idea. But please op do it with support. Get a counsellor who can help you see of your expectations are realistic, and ask the possible consequences/ Implications of your actions.
I'm so sorry this happened to you op, I really how you find some resolution.