Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to worry about this now?

43 replies

thewindisfullofghosts · 18/07/2017 11:35

I am writing this with my beautiful 5 week old DD sleeping on my chest. I love her crazy amounts but I have quickly realised that I am not a natural mother. Its hard, relentless and I miss my old life.
Don't get me wrong, there are flashes of deep joy amid the monotony but I know that I don't want to do this again and DD will be my only.
In the early days, DH shared my view. But now he's gone back to work and his life is relatively back to normal, he's started hinting that he might like another in the future. Last night while holding a grinning DD, he said it wouldn't be so bad to have two. My heart sank a little and I am already feeling guilty about denying DH another kid and my DD a sibling. I am also terrified of allowing myself to be talked round; I have always found it hard not to indulge DH. I love him so much and it breaks my heart to think of him missing out on something he really wants. What if he resents me and it ruins our marriage?
Am I being ridiculous to think about this now? Has anyone else felt like this? Did you have another child in the end?

OP posts:

PinkHeart5911 · 18/07/2017 11:40

Honestly nobody is a natural mother after just 5 weeks. Despite what the books/films/people with rose tinted glasses tell you, they were not a natural mother looking ace at 5 weeks.

Being a mother is a huge life change and it does take time to adjust and I do think you sort of grieve for the loss of the pre child life.

Your baby is 5 weeks old, you do not have to decide now if you want another child or not. Things in life change, you don't know what the future holds.

For now just enjoy the dd you have and see what happens in the future

LikeAFish · 18/07/2017 11:44

It's only been 5 weeks, it's nothing. Give it a couple of years and then see how you feel.

Motherhood is bloody hard, I love the very bones of my children but I do miss the freedom I had before them. Now they're growing up I'm starting to get it back. The hard stage isn't forever OP, and I love that my children have each other and love each other, no matter how hard it is.

You're in that crazy sleepless newborn stage, just give it time.

HazelBite · 18/07/2017 11:45

He might change his mind after teething, potty training and the terrible two's.
5 weeks in it probably looks rosier than it could become.

Lovelongweekends · 18/07/2017 11:48

You're still in the mourning phase for your old life. Mine lasted until dc1 was 3months old then improved gradually, however, I was adamant that I would not be having anymore, I now have 3dc!!

PsychoPumpkin · 18/07/2017 11:50

Both of you could still feel very differently in two years time. He might love the baby stage but be tearing his hair out at the toddler stage but you might find yourself taking the potty training & tantrums in your stride.

It's far to early to know how you'll feel so don't sweat it, just enjoy those moments of happiness & hopefully they'll happen more & more often.

You are doing a wonderful job so just remember that, yeah?

KC225 · 18/07/2017 11:52

You are hormonal, sleep deprived, sore and leaking. No one is a natural mother at 5 weeks in. It's a learning process. Give yourself a break. You are doing great. Stop pressuring yourself.

swingofthings · 18/07/2017 11:53

You're not being ridiculous, but I don't think you can make such a radical decision because of how you feel after being a mum for only 5 weeks. What you feel is TOTALLY normal and many mums will relate to it. I certainly did and it went on much longer than 5 weeks. I was so bored, so overwhelmed with the loss of my independence and felt like a crap mum as my DD suffered from horrible colic that went for many months and yes, it was so bad that going back to work was a relief.

DH worked long hours and had no idea how I felt. I too told him that he could forget about a second child, until DD turned 18 months and things got a bit easier. It went from coming off the pill but being careful, to being a little less careful after 3 months, to being not careful for another 3, to the day I was certain I was pregnant and felt a huge sense of disappointment when the test was negative. I then went on full TTC mode until I fell pregnant and was over the moon.

It didn't stop me feeling overwhelmed a second time, and even wishing he had never been born and feeling it had all been a mistake. It didn't last, and the love for him flew just as he did for my first.

They are now both teenagers and OMG I couldn't imagine my life without both of them. They are my world and having them was the best decision I've ever made. I am so grateful for it.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 11:53

OP, it took me about 5 months to feel "back to normal". Im not saying that to scare you honestly. I just want you to realise whatever your feeling right now is temporary after the whole 9 months of raging hormones you have had settle down, along with the lack of sleep and the 24/7 responsibility of a child.

Don't worry OP, concentrate on your lovely DD ATM, tell your Dh that his comments aren't helping as your struggling and look after yourself also.

Sending hugs xx
P.S I defo wasn't a natural mother, im still a bit unorthodox now :-)

GinIsIn · 18/07/2017 11:54

My DS is nearly 5 months old now. The thing I've come to realise is that nobody is a natural mother!! All my friends at NCT and on my mumsnet due date group felt or still feel just like you do!

Original poster

thewindisfullofghosts · 18/07/2017 11:54

Thank you all so much, you're all lovely. And you're all right of course, it is very early days and we both might have a change of heart. I will go back to snuggling my gorgeous girl and stop worrying.

OP posts:

Hollyandtheiveee · 18/07/2017 11:54

I found it hard to adjust too! It was such a shock for months and I missed my old life so much. But as they get older, they are so much more fun, things get easier, you get more time to yourself. It will get easier, honestly! It's so normal to feel like this.

Justhadmyhaircut · 18/07/2017 11:55

Tell him he can have the next one.

Until that's an option he can wait and see if /when you are ready. .

GraciesMansion · 18/07/2017 11:56

I felt exactly like this during the baby stage and I do think it contributed to my pnd. Once my ds reached 18 months or so I began to find my feet and by the time we had dd I felt like I had a handle on it. I think the difference with me was that I had always wanted at least two children, I always wanted him to have a sibling. What were your thoughts before you had your baby?

I do think 5 weeks is a little early to be worrying about this and dh shouldn't really be pushing it either. There's plenty of time for these discussions.

lylasmam2012 · 18/07/2017 11:57

I wanted to give my daughter back so many times in the first few months, motherhood is relentless. 5 years (and another kid) later and I still mourn my previous life but I wouldn't be without my pair. It does definitely get easier and easier.

Whateverandeva · 18/07/2017 12:00

Firstly congratulations! The reality is being a mum is really tough, nothing can prepare you for the relentless needs of a small person. I always planned on having lots of kids but it has taken me 3 1/2 years to even consider trying for a second. I never made any promises to DH and he has had to learn to be patient.

Be kind to yourself and don't worry too much about anything other than taking each day as it comes. Enjoy those newborn cuddles

Original poster

thewindisfullofghosts · 18/07/2017 12:10

justhadmyhaircut, I have said similar!
GraciesMansion, we had discussed one or two, but I'd always thought we'd have two.
It's really reassuring to hear that other people felt this way and that it gets better. It's daft, but I miss things like going to the supermarket with DH, cooking, washing...such a hedonist!
DH isn't and wouldn't pressure me, he'd be more likely to go the other way.

OP posts:

Bumpsadaisie · 18/07/2017 12:32

OP - please really really take this in - there is NO SUCH THING as a "natural mother".

No-one 100% loves devoting their entire waking and sleeping life to a new egotistical little creature who gives little, and needs the moon and back. No-One.

We have a love instinct and we love them, of course we do (even if for some it may take time to emerge, and that is fine). But it doesn't mean we have to love every minute of parenting, a lot of it is a big old slog.

It gets easier as they grow away from you and paradoxically grow into being able to relate to you instead of just demand from you.

Of course in the growing away process there are also enormous challenges and whatever age your children it is never going to be 100% bliss. In some phases (toddler, teen?) the bliss element is very limited and the slog element augmented!

If it helps mine are 8 and 5 at the moment and it is broadly speaking a really good time - I really enjoy it quite a lot. Though I can't stand them shrieking at each other ....

But there are lots of lovely moments. Last night I had a 30 min chat with my little girl. So lovely, at the end I was tearful at how pretty, funny, grown up and interesting a person she is.

The other day I pleaded with my little boy to PLEASE just get dressed without a fuss as I was not feeling well today. In the olden days that would have been lost on him. This time, he co-operated and said patting my arm "Oh dear mummy. Shall I make you a little get well card when I get home from school?".

Bumpsadaisie · 18/07/2017 12:36

PS you really don't need to even think about a second child when your eldest is only 5 weeks! I laugh because it is just what I was doing but it really is silly.

In two years time or so your entire landscape will be utterly transformed. You'll be a family, you'll have adjusted to being parents. THEN you can think about a DC2.

Bumpsadaisie · 18/07/2017 12:38

PPS after a few months of entertaining your DD when she is a toddler you will probably think a sibling may not be such a bad idea after all. At least then the little monkeys can play together. Seriously don't discount the value of your children being able to entertain each other rather than looking to you and DH ....

Bumpsadaisie · 18/07/2017 12:39

PPPS you do get some of your freedom back. Mine are both at school now. I feel like I am "me" again.

Ecureuil · 18/07/2017 12:40

No one is a natural mother 5 weeks in!! It's relentless, monotonous and knackering. You say your DH felt the same in the early days... it's still early days.
It took me months to feel even remotely human, let alone contemplate another child.

Ecureuil · 18/07/2017 12:41

Mine are nearly 4 and 2 now and pretty much just amuse each other.... there are definite benefits to siblings

MrsJAMMFraser · 18/07/2017 12:46

I was adamant that I only wanted 1. DH accepted it. DS is now 4.5 and for the last few months Ive been feeling that I'd quite like another but DH is happy as we are. Things change as they get older.

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 18/07/2017 12:58

OP I feel the same at 12 weeks! I love DD but never ever again! I miss my old life, I hated being pregnant and found the first few weeks so difficult.
People started asking me about the next one before she was a month old but I want to concentrate on my career and enjoy her. Not go through all that stress again! It's not silly to worry about it. Maternity leave gives you a lot of time to worry.

BrucesTooth · 18/07/2017 12:59

I always knew I would like at least two, but it did take until the first one was about 8 months to stop feeling a little bit of pity when I saw a mum with a newborn rather than feeling broody.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread