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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to worry about this now?

43 replies

thewindisfullofghosts · 18/07/2017 11:35

I am writing this with my beautiful 5 week old DD sleeping on my chest. I love her crazy amounts but I have quickly realised that I am not a natural mother. Its hard, relentless and I miss my old life.
Don't get me wrong, there are flashes of deep joy amid the monotony but I know that I don't want to do this again and DD will be my only.
In the early days, DH shared my view. But now he's gone back to work and his life is relatively back to normal, he's started hinting that he might like another in the future. Last night while holding a grinning DD, he said it wouldn't be so bad to have two. My heart sank a little and I am already feeling guilty about denying DH another kid and my DD a sibling. I am also terrified of allowing myself to be talked round; I have always found it hard not to indulge DH. I love him so much and it breaks my heart to think of him missing out on something he really wants. What if he resents me and it ruins our marriage?
Am I being ridiculous to think about this now? Has anyone else felt like this? Did you have another child in the end?

OP posts:

Northernpowerhouse · 18/07/2017 13:02

I swore I would never have another until my (easy) daughter was at least a year. Went on to have 2 more at 3 year intervals. What you are feeling is entirely normal. Really it is 😀

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 18/07/2017 13:03

Also OP it's easy to want a house full of babies when your life is nearly much exactly the same apart from you get snuggles with a mini version of yourself in the evenings and at weekends!

Northernpowerhouse · 18/07/2017 13:05

Just to add you are doing the right thing in talking about it. Do you have someone in RL you could talk to? A friend or your health visitor if you get on with them.

Welshmaenad · 18/07/2017 13:08

I'm not entirely convinced that I'm a natural mother and mine are 7 and 11. Wouldn't swap them for the world though, and despite everything they're both alive, and adore me despite my flaws.

DearMrDilkington · 18/07/2017 13:16

I don't think many people are natural parents, I think the majority of us have to struggle through the first few weeks/months/years to work out what the hell we're doing.

It gets easier. I always felt the same as you, now dd is nearly 5 I feel completely different. I love the idea of having another one because I know what to expect now. I know I can cope with the screaming, lack of sleep and the endless stream of nappies.

Don't be so hard on yourself, babies are hard work, it gets easier and even becomes enjoyable at some point!

Congratulations on your baby

DearMrDilkington · 18/07/2017 13:18

One last thing, make sure you talk to your dh about how you feel. A big mistake I made when dd was younger was pretending I was absolutely fine when really I'd had the day from hell.

A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

FlandersRocks · 18/07/2017 13:22

Oh gosh, at 5 weeks I think plenty of first time parents feel like that. That may change or may not. Either way, that's a consideration for the future, no need for deep and meaningful conversations or decisions now.

I wouldn't even talk about it to dh tbh, I'd just respond with 'maybe but not something we need to discuss yet!'

Btw i felt the same as you and now have 3

stressedbeyond123 · 18/07/2017 13:23

for the first 3-4 months of my daughter's life i felt like i was in a fog! Had her by C-Section, had the epidural headache thrown in just for shits and giggles....
i often heard people talking about how they fell in love with their little ones at first sight - now i'm sure that does happen, but it didn't for me. I loved her, and happily done everything i needed to do for her, but...that all encompassing love that makes you want to die for them didn't come until later. It grew as i got to know her, as we figured ourselves out - i only became a mother when i had her, so it was new for both of us.

Now i can quite happily say she is my everything and i really would die for her....don't beat yourself up, let things happen and grow, after all you didn't love your husband the moment you set eyes on him :-) xx

Bear2014 · 18/07/2017 13:23

At 5 weeks, I still felt like I had been hit by a train physically and emotionally. We started talking about possibly having a second child in the run up to her second birthday. A couple of months later we started trying. I'm now 36 weeks with number 2, DD will be 3.5 when he is born. What's the rush? If you do decide to stick at 1, that is fine too but it doesn't mean you're not a natural mother. Go easy on yourself.

booellesmum · 18/07/2017 13:30

Congrats on your beautiful DD.
Mine are now 15 and 12.
The baby stage I found really boring and incredibly hard work.
I used to joke that I wished I could have gone back to work straight after and started maternity leave at around 18 months when they get more interesting.
I wouldn't change anything for the world now. I love them both so much and seeing the relationship develop between them is priceless. Parenthood is really hard work though, often reduced me to tears.
It gets less boring as they grow and personalities develop. Still hard though as the challenges constantly change, but so worth it.

YoureNotASausage · 18/07/2017 13:38

5 weeks in is still hell on earth for many mums. It's not a real reflection of parenthood.

UnaPalomaBlanca · 18/07/2017 13:43

Way too soon to be thinking about another baby! You are just entering a huge period of transition- getting used to your new role and a new way of life.

Some people don't adapt to having a child and regret it, but I think that's rare.

Many many many of us struggle to adapt but get there when things become easier, we become more skilled, we build a support network and we recognise the good outweighs the bad. I swore I'd never have a second child but I did after 5 years

lynmilne65 · 18/07/2017 17:53

Agree with all previous posters

Original poster

thewindisfullofghosts · 18/07/2017 21:15

I'm sorry for not keeping up with the thread, DD has been feeding like a mini demon today!
You've all given me a good dose of perspective, thank you. It's hard to think straight when you aren't getting much sleep!
To those PPs who recommended talking about it, I've been talking to DH and my mum, which has really helped.
We've had a good day today, and feeling much more positive. You've all had a hand in that too!

OP posts:

waterrat · 18/07/2017 21:21

Ah bless you OP you are right in rhe thick of the hardest time of all. Please stop thinking or worrying about the future and use any spare minutes you have to sleep !

Having a 5 week okd is hideously hardand exhausting. It is absolutely nothing like having a 2 year old or 5 year old or 10 year old so try not to waste your energy thinking about other children.

Who finds 5 week old babies easy? Nobody I know...for me it got easier as they grew...six months you can prop them in a chair..10 months they are off crawling about...my 5 year old is off at school now o feel like I hardly see him......and my 3yr old sleeps 13 hours at night then gets up and just starts playing with her toys on her own. So as you can see...its nothing like having a 5week old !

Nobody is a natural...your hormones are all over the place and your husband needs to learn a bit more. Which he will in due course if you make sure he does his share.

llangennith · 18/07/2017 23:15

I'm 65 and never was, never have been, a natural mother. But I'm a great grandma!
Babies are bloody hard work and boring, so boring. We grab what little fun they are and run with it
It gets better

rightwhine · 18/07/2017 23:18

Don't put pressure on yourself. You've got plenty of time to make any decisions in the future.

FlandersRocks · 19/07/2017 08:58

Just bear in mind it will start getting better very soon op.

Ds3 is 9 weeks - older dc are 7 amd 9 so I feel almost like a new mum again myself as it's so long since I did the baby thing.

At 5 weeks, ds3 was feeding every 45 minutes, waking multiple times etc. Literally the last two weeks he's started sleeping 5-7 hours at night reliably and going for 2 hours between feeds in the day...I feel like a new woman!

Plus as soon as they start giving something back it feels easier - ds3 is now smiling and starting to laugh and it makes the bad bits so much easier to cope with!

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