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To be upset with DP over my birthday?

44 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 18/07/2017 08:57

It just so happened that this year I was on holiday on my birthday, I got back 2 days after and DP drove 2hrs + to pick me up from the airport in the early hours of the morning.

For that I am, obviously, very grateful.

However, DP has made no other effort for my birthday. No card, no present, just a text on the day to say happy birthday. He says he was intending to get some flowers and bring them to the airport for me but didn't because he has hay fever. He also said he was intending to take me to our closest big town the day after I got back so I could go shopping for my birthday present but instead he took me somewhere he wanted to go for the day.

I am really upset.

I got annoyed with him and he called me ungrateful last night because he seems to think that as he came to pick me up from the airport that is a huge contribution to my birthday. But I am paying for his petrol and he kind of benefitted from it too!

He doesn't seem to get that I don't care that he hasn't bought me piles of expensive presents, it's the lack of any kind of thought or effort at all that is upsetting me. So far all I've heard is excuses and all it says to me is that I'm not important enough to him to put any effort in.

Aibu? Or a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 18/07/2017 08:59

Nope you deserve better. If he can't even treat you well on your birthday then when will he? Mean spirited git. Id end it, not because you didn't get a birthday present but because he doesn't care enough to give you any thought. What did you do for his birthday? I bet you didn't completely ignore it like he has yours.

m4rdybum · 18/07/2017 09:32

I'm not sure. You could be being unreasonable.

I get these feelings sometimes, but give myself a big shake because it's a little bit ungrateful/spoilt. Then, I take a deep breath and think about who I'm getting moody at - usually my DH. He's never been very flash, or bothered about present buying (he got his parents a four pack of paint brushes for Christmas once..) and genuinely doesn't do it maliciously.

Although, I really do hate it when people close to you don't even get you a card - they're like, 40p!

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2017 09:38

I think it's the 'I thought about doing this - and didn't' that makes it worse. If he had just not said anything you could assume he was using the fetching from airport as your 'gift' but when he mentioned flowers and a day out and didn't follow through, that makes it worse.

My ex did similar once. He worked away, leaving me with five small kids for weeks at a time and came home just after my birthday saying 'I thought about getting you a present but I spent the money on (something, I forget what but it was for him) instead.' Made me more outraged than if he'd said nothing and just not bothered.

Tingotango · 18/07/2017 09:39

Sorry LTB. He sounds self absorbed. Hayfever? Come on get over yourself! (Directed at him)

Writerwannabe83 · 18/07/2017 09:46

I was on holiday last year when it was my birthday and I didn't even get a card off my DH or a present.

He said, "Well you weren't here?!" when I asked him about it once I was home.

Thankfully we aren't too bothered about birthdays so I really didn't make an issue of it, it just didn't bother me.

However, if he knows birthdays are important to you and still made no effort then YANBU to be upset Flowers

BalloonDinosaur · 18/07/2017 10:07

YANBU, I'd be pretty upset. It takes very little to time and effort to buy and write a card.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 18/07/2017 10:15

You paid for his petrol to collect you from the airport? I'd LTB for that alone. The fact that he's also dressing that up as your gift - WTF?!

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 10:17

Heyfever? That's why he didn't buy you flowers!!! What an arse..

Also saying that picking you up was a huge contribution to your birthday - What unattractive qualities

SharkiraSharkira · 18/07/2017 10:18

Writer I think that is partly the thing, he doesn't see it as a big deal because I wasn't there on my birthday anyway. But I don't think that means he should just not bother at all.

Yeah, I think the mentioning stuff that he could have done does make it worse. Just shows that he could have made the effort but didn't.

You could have made me something out of paper mache and I would have been delighted. It's not about the money, it's about him making me a priority for once. If he can't even do that once a year I'm not sure he is the one for me Sad

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 18/07/2017 10:25

An ex gave me a mop and bucket and an ironing board cover for my 30th. I would have preferred nothing. Being a priority would have been lovely.

TheLittleShirt · 18/07/2017 10:28

My DH is totally uninterested in celebrating his birthday, but realises that I like to celebrate mine. His side of the family rarely acknowledge birthdays and he thinks that I should not buy gifts for my DS ,DBil and her DC's. Perhaps it is just how his family did things, so he does not think that they are a big deal.

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 18/07/2017 10:30

You can get a card for 75p while doing the weekly shop. It isn't a big deal. How long have you been together?

SharkiraSharkira · 18/07/2017 10:30

Well DP was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and so didn't celebrate his birthday at all until a few years ago - even now his cares very little about Christmas and his birthday because that's just how he was brought up. But he knows my birthday is really important to me.

OP posts:
SharkiraSharkira · 18/07/2017 10:32

Nearly 4 years off and on Peggy.

OP posts:
Mommasoph30 · 18/07/2017 10:33

start as you mean to go on, if you expect gifts tell him, if it aint good enough or if you are on different pages find someone who gets you and understands it important and who WILL get you cards etc, My hubby forgot a card one year but got me a gift i told him i am grateful for gift but i expect a card lol Harsh but true at elast he knows my expectations now and i know his..

MsVestibule · 18/07/2017 10:41

Is he saying that if it hadn't been your birthday, he wouldn't have picked you up from the airport, then, i.e. he only did that because it was your birthday? IMO, that's the sort of thing DPs do for each other because it's a nice thing to do, not as a 'gift'.

Him being brought up as a JW could be a factor if he'd told you early on in the relationship that he doesn't celebrate birthdays at all, but it just sounds as though he can't be bothered.

Do you live together?

harshbuttrue1980 · 18/07/2017 10:44

OP, you said your DP benefited from picking you up from the airport in the early hours - I don't understand the benefit to him?? Even if you paid for the petrol, as surely he wouldn't have had the cost of petrol if he didn't pick you up?? It seems like a lovely gesture, and better than a bunch of flowers!

LindyHemming · 18/07/2017 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1495451339 · 18/07/2017 10:48

Well maybe he thought you being on holiday (and him not) was a kind of present! If I had managed to get away alone, I would not expect a big present on top of that - however, I would expect a card and maybe a cake or flowers!!!

BitOutOfPractice · 18/07/2017 10:49

I think "off and on" is ringing alarm bells for me. Is he wonderful in every other way?

Zephyr01 · 18/07/2017 10:49

I would say the JW thing was a huge drip feed! To him birthdays are possibly something he just doesn't 'get'. It's not something that registers.

A bit like, if you're not a football fan, you might not 'get' what someone's team means to them. It's different perspectives.

NannyRed · 18/07/2017 10:50

Was it your 8th birthday?

He drove 2 hours in the night to pick you up! That is a loving act, he text to say happy birthday. Honestly love, birthdays are not a big deal once you're an adult. (Just think about that last bit)

Anyway, he has set the standard now, you don't have to make a big deal of his birthday either.

I bake a cake for my hubby, but otherwise there's not a lot of fuss about them in our house, oh and we have been married for 3 years so not really an old married couple yet.

GlitterSparkles17 · 18/07/2017 10:52

A card and a bunch of flowers would have been enough and really isn't difficult, time consuming or expensive to go out and buy those things. Just a little gesture like that goes a long way. He sounds horrible. How is picking you up from the airport a birthday present? That's actually laughable, how did you even keep a straight face when he mentioned that he had picked you up from the airport therefore didn't have to buy you a gift.

Please don't make any kind of effort for his birthday, or even better just dump him.

MsVestibule · 18/07/2017 11:00

Honestly love, birthdays are not a big deal once you're an adult.

They may not be to you, but they clearly are to the OP, therefore her DP should make more effort.

Using a PP's football analogy, I couldn't care less about golf, but it's very important to my DH so I do additional childcare and put up with the loss of money and family time so he can play. It's what couples do for each other.

GlitterSparkles17 · 18/07/2017 11:01

To the people saying driving late at night to pick her up from the airport and she should be grateful, yes she should be grateful but that doesn't count towards a birthday treat!!

My DH is into F1, I hate it, cant stand it, but for his birthday I bought him tickets for him and a friend (his friend paid for himself) to go to Silverstone for the weekend. I paid for it over the course of the year so it wasn't one huge lump sum that I couldn't afford and my DH was overwhelmed that I had done that for him and thought about his birthday so far in advance.

I'm sure if the OP had been greeted with flowers, a card and a box of chocolates at the airport knowing he was tired and eyes stinging from his hay fever she would have felt extremely special as that's making the effort for someone you love. He might not care about birthdays but she does.

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