To be upset with DP over my birthday?

[SharkiraSharkira]

It just so happened that this year I was on holiday on my birthday, I got back 2 days after and DP drove 2hrs + to pick me up from the airport in the early hours of the morning.

For that I am, obviously, very grateful.

However, DP has made no other effort for my birthday. No card, no present, just a text on the day to say happy birthday. He says he was intending to get some flowers and bring them to the airport for me but didn't because he has hay fever. He also said he was intending to take me to our closest big town the day after I got back so I could go shopping for my birthday present but instead he took me somewhere he wanted to go for the day.

I am really upset.

I got annoyed with him and he called me ungrateful last night because he seems to think that as he came to pick me up from the airport that is a huge contribution to my birthday. But I am paying for his petrol and he kind of benefitted from it too!

He doesn't seem to get that I don't care that he hasn't bought me piles of expensive presents, it's the lack of any kind of thought or effort at all that is upsetting me. So far all I've heard is excuses and all it says to me is that I'm not important enough to him to put any effort in.

Aibu? Or a spoilt brat?

Well that's you Nanny, birthdays are a big deal for me even though I'm an adult. It's the one day of the year I can not feel guilty about treating myself and doing something nice.

We do live together. Things were a bit complicated at the beginning of our relationship but we've been living together for the last 2 1/2 yrs.

Yes, he benefited from it too - I won't give details but he wanted certain things when we got home at 3am!

The holiday I won in a competition so it was free and I would have taken dp with me but he couldn't get the time off work at short notice.

I understand that birthdays etc don't mean a lot to him as an ex JW but in the same way I would expect my SO to be respectful of my religion even if they didn't share it, I also expect him to make an effort for something he knows is important to me. I do it all the time for him for non birthday stuff.

Leaving aside this issue, what is he like normally? Is he fairly considerate towards you, or do his needs normally come before yours?

You were away on your birthday, so i think you missed the boat really.

@msVestibule . If OPs birthday was so important, why did she choose to spend it away from her on off JW boyfriend?
I don't think I'm being unreasonable in suggesting that if her birthday was such a big deal she would have spent it with him. It's been and gone, he doesn't make a fuss about birthdays and that is understandable giving he is JW.
The event had passed, I don't even like to hear "happy new year" after the first week of January, and have a hatred for folks that say it until the last week of March.
OP had made her choice to spend her birthday with someone else, but still wants her JW partner to make a big deal, I think that is a bit unreasonable. Let's just agree to disagree for now, he can't change what has happened anyway.

Nanny he isn't still a JW, he was just raised as one. He hasn't been one for years.

As I said, the holiday was something I won so I had to go on the specified date which just happened to fall over my birthday. I also wanted to take him with. So I didn't CHOOSE to be away from him on my birthday it's just that circumstances meant I was.

Nanny you obviously care a bit about birthdays as you make your husband a cake. Ops supposedly dear partner didn't even do that. Yet you think she should put up with a shit relationship where her partner has no regard for occasions that are important to her because... you don't like birthdays?

The airport thing well that's just caring about your partner and wanting to help them out. Nothing at all to do with birthdays in my book as both me and my husband would pick the other one up without question regardless of what day of the year it was.

You sound very self-centered. You were lucky to win a holiday. He was very unlikely not to be able to go so you went with someone else? You expected him to come and pick you up at an inconvenient time and then you moan because he didn't acknowledge your birthday, even though it's not in his upbringing to do so?

And you did him a favour when you got home.... mmmm, I can see why he decided not to bother.

Swing, I didn't demand he picked me up from the airport. If he had said no I would have made other arrangements. I was very grateful.

I think your birthday is the one day you can be a bit self centred.

I do a lot for dp. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a bit of effort in return.

I think the whole thing has been exacerbated by the fact that it's his niece's birthday coming up and he is making an effort for her day, so why can't he do it for mine?

OK You are SO not being unreasonable and honestly I don't know anyone in real life who lives such joyless MARTYRED existences as some people on here.

Yes, birthdays are still important when you are an adult, because they are a day in the year where you celebrate the birth and therefore existence of an individual. It is your 'celebration day' that you are here and valued. That's not to say that you can't be valued any other day but it celebrates the fact you made it through another year. Life gets in the way and sometimes you have to celebrate it on a different day or give a card or present a few days later but it doesn't mean that you somehow miss out because you're not there on your actual birthday. If you choose not to celebrate it, that's fine. If you never had anyone to be nice to you on your birthday that is sad, not the normal state of affairs.

Being picked up from the airport is a normal nice thing to do for someone who you are in a relationship with. It is not a birthday present. Having to then give sexual favours in return to show your gratitude as an expectation is awful.

I don't know why people think that folk should expect so little out of life. No birthday presents because it's for kids. No Christmas presents because it's 'really for the children'. Don't expect people to be nice to you or consider your feelings, you're being entitled. If someone does something nice for you then you should be fucking grateful and do whatever they say because they condescended to give up a tiny fraction of their day for you.

Whatever happened to 'be nice to people and do nice things just because it makes their day easier and happier' and 'value, celebrate and respect each other because it makes the world a nicer place to live in, boosts self esteem and makes people not feel like they have to be miserable all the time and accept poor treatment'??

Amen owl!

Knew it wouldn't be long before someone trotted out the 'adults don't celebrate birthdays' line. Of course they do, if they want. The OP wants. Her DP was crap.

Maybe time to take a look at the relationship?

I expect a Christmas present, valentine, birthday present, anniversary present we have two and Easter present.all with cards ...except Easter.
He gets the same.
He didn't do cards...but he does now.
However if I see something I like for those special occasions...he will buy that...I won't get a surprise with it.
He does spoil me though inlots of ways.
Just not brilliant with presents.

I won't be getting a new dh ...put it that way.

You're jealous because he's putting effort into his niece's birthday - but isn't that because his niece is a child???
And, sorry, but I don't believe that he benefited from picking you up at 3am. I'm sure he would have rather have been kipping, wonderful though I'm sure you think your company is.

so why can't he do it for mine?
Probably because you didn't show much care for the fact that he couldn't enjoy the trip with you.

OH and I make a big fuss of each other's birthday. If I went away for my birthday without him, I can be assured that I wouldn't get anything to celebrate it. However, I wouldn't do that, mainly because I would rather miss out on a holiday than miss out on spending my special day with my special love.

You want it both ways, that's self-centered.

Yes, he benefited from it too - I won't give details but he wanted certain things when we got home at 3am!

What does that mean please? It reads as if you're insinuating prostitution, that you repaid with sexual favours that you would not otherwise have done and only he wanted?

That's not what you mean, right? I think you need to expand as it reads really badly.

I do a lot for dp. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a bit of effort in return

He drove a four hour plus round trip to get you in the early hours of the morning. But you really need to clarify how he benefited from that.

And she paid the petrol for it...

I'm sorry but that kind of utter selfishness is just a sign that he will continue to be selfish in other ways, this is what I have found with men over the years, husbands who don't get you engagement rings, birthday cards or gifts or bother with christmas have all turned out to be cocklodgers. I'd dump him unless he was Mr fantastic in every other respect and I'm guessing he is not. Am I right.
Big deal him collecting you from the airport - I'd do that for any friend or relative.

Owl has it spot on. Even if you ignore all the other occasions in the year a birthday is the time to make one day all about someone you love. If you don't want to celebrate your birthday fine but don't bring down the rest of us.

Seems some people just suck the joy out of their lives once they are adults and especially if they have kids. Christmas and birthdays are now not important and all about the kids is crap imo. Yes Christmas is predominately focused on my kids these days but not all of it. It's about family and love and showing each other you care. We all chose gifts for each other because we are all a family.

What does it say to your kids if you as parents never buy each other gifts or cards? We care so much about you that we treat you and buy you gifts but oh no we don't do it for each other. I want my kids to see parents that love each other enough to buy thoughtful cards and gifts, even if they are only cheap ones.

A lift is something you do because you care, not as a present. Wanting sexual favours as soon as you get back seemingly in return for the lift is quite frankly disgusting. That alone is enough for me to think this guy is an utter asshole.