Would you let family know that you DON'T want them raising your children if you die?

[TempUser1234]

More of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. Regular poster but nc for this in case the relevant parties are on here. Cancel the cheque, penis beaker etc.

DH and I have 3 DCs all under 6 and have set up our wills so that should anything happen to both of us leaving the children without their parents, a family friend and her DH will become their legal guardians. They will be financially taken care of should we die and our friends who parent similarly and share the same values will love them fiercely and raise them as their own. We have a reciprocal arrangement in that if anything happened to our friends, their kids would also come to us. It's a relief to know that above all they would be loved and cared for and safe.

For various reasons we are adamant that we do not want our kids to go to either my or DH's family though there would ideally be lots of contact. It came to light recently though that one of my family members seems to think of my kids as "her own". To me, these are just words and not backed up by any action. I really would not want her to influence them, let alone raise them.

This has got me thinking. Do we make it known now what are plans are in case the worst happens and our friends and children don't have the additional trauma of having to deal with that? Or given that we're not ill and the chances of something happening are minimal, should I just stay quiet knowing that it's unlikely to be an issue?

I'm not normally fatalistic like this but since this conversation with my relative, it's really been on my mind. WWYD?

I think you need to tell someone. Someone who will accept your decision and fight on your behalf once you're gone. Not the family member who thinks they would have them, but a different family member who understands your opinion and, even if they don't entirely agree with your assessment, can see that the provision you have made is best.

Talk with a solicitor to check how it all works, but I think, when you die your will is often not read for quite a while. Your children will still need to be cared for in the interim and if there is no information known to family members they may well end up with the family member you don't want them with. It will then be more work (and require someone fighting on your children's behalf) to get them to the people you have chosen. For your children's sake, as well as the rest of your family, don't leave all that conflict for the point when your children will need the most support.

I don't understand why some people are hurt if they are not chosen. It has nothing to do with love but also if the kids lives and parenting styles will be similar. I love my brother and SIL very very much but they are shitty parents.

I'd tell people and the kids (if old enough) too. That way everybody knows. If they get upset, well then tough. It's about the kids, not them.

We told both sets of our parents our plans, in a very matter of fact way. So we've made Wills, if anything happens to us, they're stored in x place, but here's a copy too. We have discussed it with Y and Z and they will look after the children however we have stipulated that if they're under 18 you would also be trustees of their estate. Y and Z have committed to involving you etc. We explained the financial provisions and policies we have in place etc.

So we sold it as a done deal. I wanted to be open with them, completely aware of our plans and practically know where our documents etc are stored. Then there's no ambiguity when emotions are running high.

They were quiet, perhaps a little disappointed, but completely respected our decision and were impressed we'd sorted everything out. Had they reacted differently then it would have only served to reinforce our decision that they weren't suitable for raising our children.

Don't say anything now as it will hurt their feelings. Relationships can turn, what if that happens to the friends you have currently chosen. You don't want to burn bridges with family. Why don't you write a letter that goes to your family in the event if your untimely death? Outline in the kindest way your decision making

Hoo the fact that you see not problem with the children going to their father is probably why she has put a friend. But if she did die they almost certainly would go to their father, and what she puts in a will makes no difference, if he has PR and is a "fit" person.