Would you let family know that you DON'T want them raising your children if you die?

[TempUser1234]

More of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. Regular poster but nc for this in case the relevant parties are on here. Cancel the cheque, penis beaker etc.

DH and I have 3 DCs all under 6 and have set up our wills so that should anything happen to both of us leaving the children without their parents, a family friend and her DH will become their legal guardians. They will be financially taken care of should we die and our friends who parent similarly and share the same values will love them fiercely and raise them as their own. We have a reciprocal arrangement in that if anything happened to our friends, their kids would also come to us. It's a relief to know that above all they would be loved and cared for and safe.

For various reasons we are adamant that we do not want our kids to go to either my or DH's family though there would ideally be lots of contact. It came to light recently though that one of my family members seems to think of my kids as "her own". To me, these are just words and not backed up by any action. I really would not want her to influence them, let alone raise them.

This has got me thinking. Do we make it known now what are plans are in case the worst happens and our friends and children don't have the additional trauma of having to deal with that? Or given that we're not ill and the chances of something happening are minimal, should I just stay quiet knowing that it's unlikely to be an issue?

I'm not normally fatalistic like this but since this conversation with my relative, it's really been on my mind. WWYD?

Isn't that what wills are for surely ?
To cover things after you die

Write the will make sure your friends have a copy and job done

I hate how selfish people are over wills.
Both my grandparents left very controversial wills without telling the family and everyone had to deal with the fallout when they were gone. It's caused huge arguments and fallouts on both sides of the family.
If you believes the right thing and you want that to happen then tell your family, be open and honest and take any backlash as you should rather than making the children/friends would have to if anything happened. I would also expect the family to fight the will if you didn't talk it through with th first as they could consider that you did it to be nice or didn't think it would really happen etc. Grow a pair and have the difficult conversation.

We have put in our will that kids are to go to MIL if anything happened to us, we don't want them to go to my mum so the solicitor said that she could contest it so we wrote a noterised letter outlining he reason we didn't want her to have them so if she did contest it could be read out in court to help with the decision.

Why on earth would you?

Isn't that what wills are for surely ? To cover things after you die

Well, yes, but why would you put your kids in the middle of a fight when they'll be upset enough as it is? They'll have just lost their parents, their grandparents will have lost their son/daughter and will then be dealt another blow when they find out their kids didn't want their children remaining in the family.

Yes, sending DC to live with friends/godparents as opposed to grandparents/siblings might well be the best thing for them, but for God's sake don't leave your kids to deal with the fallout of that after you're gone. Tell people involved, explain your reasoning - it's your choice, you deal with the consequences!

Been in this situation. I want my brother in law and wife to look after my boy, but parents in law assumed they would as they currently look after him every week. Can't stand them. I put them right when they kept assuming. (They kept bringing up the issue as my husband died, it all becomes much more important when everything rests on you alone).

They had the audacity to tell me that they were really upset about my decision at first but having thought about it they felt I'd made the right decision. Twats. As if it was their place to even have an opinion. Exactly the kind of mentality that stops me wanting to have them involved in my son's life more than necessary.

It's tricky though. Yes, it's up to you to deal with the consequences, but the children will suffer from a fallout. If you stop seeing your family following a massive row about raising the kids, they are the ones who will no longer see their grand parents, uncles and aunts.

It's not just about a difficult conversation, but the entire relationship for the next 15 years or so to come.

It sounds like you have to make a notarised letter/will to be safe, is that correct? (or safer if the family takes everything to court)

I wouldn't say anything, statistically speaking, you'll likely make it into your childrens adult lives after which, it's irrelevent, but I bet if you told them now, even after your children are adults there will still be animosity towards you and your partner.

I depends on the family though.
If the family would be raising the dcs in a completely different manner than you (let's say for the sake if the argument evangelical christians compare to atheists or parents that are narcissi/have a golden child etc ), it might well not sit very well with the OP and her DH.
But it would also be equally hard for the dcs who will have been raised with xxx values and then be told that these values are wrong and yyy values are right iyswim.

So yes ending up in the middle of a fight would be horrible. But so would be living with people who do things completely differently or would have no issue putting your dparents down or the way they did things.

I fully agree about the fact that if you say anything it needs to be about choosing xxx because they will have rather than in a negative way .
And that you are likely to hurt people/end up with massive family problems if you tell everyone (esp the one who thinks your dcs are like their own).
I'm not sure how yu can protect the dcs so thatbthere is no challenge of your will. Maybe ask in the legal section??

If you tell it could create a shitstorm that could affect the DC adversely (and you of course).
If you keep quiet, in the unlikely event you die, there may be a shit storm but it would be less likely affect the DC (hopefully)

Discussing it beforehand could cause upset and would it actually make any difference? If your family wanted to bring up your children they could go to court regardless of your wishes and I'm not sure if what you say in your Will would make any difference. You aren't passing on your property and the court won't necessarily think that bringing up your children in the way you would like is the priority.
On the other hand, your family may be more than happy for someone else to look after your children but would still be insulted to find out beforehand that you don't think they're suitable.

Thank you one and all. I wish I'd been able to respond yesterday but I have a chronic condition that lays me out sometimes (not something that'll kill me though!)

You've all given me a lot to think about. I agree it would be a good idea to write some letters. The fallout of actually spelling out to these people why I don't want them to parent my children would be catastrophic and unnecessarily hurtful I think. It wouldn't result in any changes but it would lead to huge drama. Realistically I think I would be fine with going NC but my kids and DN would suffer as they get along well.

I realise that I can't will my children but does anyone know if it's possible to leave a letter with the will outlining to a judge what out reasons are? Would this information be available as part of our estate?

Urghh...this is tricky

I have told my extended family this. We have lived out of our native country and our relatives are fabulous, but have always lived so far from our kids that they know our friends better. They were totally cool about it.

DD was originally going to live with my parents. Changed it again when she was 3 (after we moved away from my parents), my brother now was to be my DD's guardian - we lived in the same city and he was my closest sibling at the time. He knew that, he was fine.

However when my DH died (DD was 13), I had to change wills again and I decided that DD was best off with my best friend because she was extremely close with my friend and her daughters (also her then husband).

But also by that point (10yrs later since original will), said brother was not in a fit state emotionally, he was a borderline alcoholic and had his own issues. I never told him I changed, it wasn't worth the fall out. DD is now 18 so not an issue.

He was probably my only 'option' family wise, it was not geographically viable for PIL (they live abroad), my mother was in a rest home, my two other brothers was not practical too (NC with one, other lives miles away).

""Isn't that what wills are for surely ?
To cover things after you die ""

On death the children will need placing. SS aren't going to contact random friends/neighbors etc, they will seek to place the children with a closest relative.

That is assuming you are dead and not in a coma etc.

So there will be a time period were your children need Care and the will is read and applied.

SS will need good reason why they should be moved and put with a non related person. If the relative won't give them up, then you are looking at going through the Court process, likewise if the Will is contested.

The person who has residency has to still allow contact to anyone who has regularly been in the child's life. As a Foster Carer does.

It is a big ask and not one that might happen, so the people named and close family need to know, for it to be likely that it will happen.

The people named may decide it will be too much of a fight, if they have their own DC.

OP, you don't have to give reasons face-to-face, why they aren't a choice, just why you've made the choice you have, so positive things about the nominated person.

If your children are close to their DNs then that family connection will have to be maintained under the law.

Birds, this is nonsense. Ss are not routinely involved in arrangements for children when parents die. Usually family and friends step in. If parents have left instruction ss would take this into account.
Best let people know. If possible so things start as you mean them to go on.

We've written it into our wills. It's written very specifically. There is no doubt. I think it has to be written in a will to be legally binding. Both sets of our parents are abusive so can have no access.

What kind of fall out are you expecting for your children? You family has no legal right to challenge guardianship so surely that is not your concern? If you are worried about your family being unkind leave clear instructions both to your family members and gairdians about how you expect the matter to be handled anf trust that their gairdians will protect them. It may of course fines as a shock to your children if they do not know though so I would advise telling them.

You know these are only wishes and children cannot be willed like possessions? Social Services and the courts make the final decision after consultation with all parties concerned. (they do)

You family has no legal right to challenge guardianship so surely that is not your concern?
This is not correct.

Whatever is in your will with regard to your children is your wishes only. Family could contest and may do that while keeping the children with them.

The likely thing to happen if you died without telling them, is that family would come and take the children, probably with the best of intentions. Your designated guardians may then come along and say they are guardians but your family do not have to give up the children without a legal fight which may take months. Depends whether you think your family are likely to respect your wishes. Either way, your saving yourself upset now which will increase the upset for your children at a time that is already unthinkable.

I have been clear to everyone who my children's guardian is and I added a letter of wishes to my will pointing out why I would not want a certain family member involved.

Just tell them.

Also, please reconsider naming both of a married couple as guardian. Choose one of the couple to name so that in the event of divorce your will remains pertinent. Saves changing your will later.

I'm in a similar position with the same agreement with a family friend. I haven't let my family know yet, but the fact I have 5 kids I know would be enough to send my family members over the edge should they become legal guardians (and my kids are easy to deal with). So the agreement with family friends will be fine I think should anything happen. At the end of the day I'm looking out for my kids as my priority and what would be the best outcome for them.

Isn't that what wills are for surely ?
To cover things after you die

No, because children are individual human beings with their own rights, not a parent's personal property/part of their estate.

You can make your wishes clear what you will like to happen in the event of your death or incapacity, but ultimately decisions will be made based on what is in each child's best interests. Which might not be what you wanted.

If there are two living adequate parents at the moment then the changes of you both dying together are truly tiny. I'm not sure I'd risk the certainty of a huge fight in order to make life easier in the deeply unlikely event of this clause ever coming into play. All much more of a live issue for the widows on the thread, sadly.

If you have a very good reason why you don't wish your children to be cared for by the "obvious" candidates (aunts, grandparents etc) then it's best to put it clearly in a separate witnessed letter to the court filed with the will. The will is a public document and you probably don't want to have "my sister can't have the children because she's an alcoholic Nazi" on public display if your DC are going to have to continue to live in the family.

I let the person(s) know who I wanted to look after dd if me and dh died.
I have never discussed this with anybody else as it's none of their business.