Wibu to throw his presents out the window?

[Wellthengreat]

It's my dh birthday tomorrow, he's just got into the mother of all strops and I have no idea why. He seemed a bit moody thought he was having a bad day so just left it.. asked him what's wrong a few times he's replied, nothing!
He is insisting I am the one in the mood and I am at a loss for words why. He's storming about and said he wouldn't think of anyone worse to spend his birthday with tomorrow. ..

How lovely.

In two minds whether I should just throw his presents out the window. He's being a grade a dick!

mspav

It was a little thing but I get so wound up trying to keep my cool I just needed a massive rant to be honest. I haven't spent time worrying I've spent time not equally going into massive stop and having a huge fight. I am not the calmest most laid back person and it takes a lot for me to just wait whilst he gets it out of his system.

I am not trying to justify I'm now in hindsight seeing my part in all of this and how I can be blind to my role, just trying to take some responsibility, just like what I want him to do.

Maryz I do it myself but not to that extent that I abuse them, OP is talking about an eggshell situation and maybe that's what's you're in but in fairness you've displayed an insight and awareness that would appear to be lacking from the OP's partner. Give yourself some credit and also maybe let the ops partner take responsibility for their shifty actions. Cos sometimes people do shitty things, sick or not.

dibbles that is awful, i am so sorry you had to go through that.

I don't know how you kept your cool I'd have ended up going crazy and shouting and screaming.

Depression doesn't cause someone to act like a prick.

I don't feel like i am walking on eggshells but I'm not sure if that's a part of the eggshells situation ?..
It's more just a bewilderment of hold on what we arguing about ? It's not like I'm waiting for any little thing to set him off it more like I'm oblivious until I actually think back what happened after he's acted like a toddler and brought my attention to it in a ridiculous way

I don't lift a finger purely because he gets in and tidies and does jobs first! Things are tidied and cleaned within seconds. There's never anything for me to do... if there was of course I would do it. I do all the cooking and by time I've barely put the last mouthful in my mouth he's started the dishes, annoys me sometimes but I'd be ridiculous to moan about him being too efficient

I am not trying to justify I'm now in hindsight seeing my part in all of this and how I can be blind to my role, just trying to take some responsibility, just like what I want him to do.

But your part in this appears to be "act super nice and cheerful the whole time or he will throw a strop". That in itself is ridiculous and exhausting. So if you have a normal day, not fantastic but not shite either, then he will get one on him because you are not the life and soul?

I really couldnt live like that. I would recommend that you go to couples counselling, he needs to realise that not being super happy and extra nice to your spouse doesnt a) mean that they are pissed off and in a mood and b) that he gets to act like a complete arse (oh and that cleaning the bog and saying sorry doesnt make it all ok). You need to stop enabling his strops by never calling him on it.

He doesn't sound happy, is his job stressful? My (adult) DS sometimes thinks I've spoken rudely or sharply when I certainly hadn't intended to. I say I didn't and he says I'm grumpy. By this time I usually am. And so it goes on.
I try to say as little as possible, breathe deeply. Maybe leave the room and go for a walk or have a quiet few minutes alone. Wish I lived near a beach!!
Tomorrow is a new day and, I hope, a better one for both of you and the washing basket!

The problem is I call him on it all the time! I'm getting frustrated because I feel I'm being misunderstood.
I don't sit and keep quiet I do the opposite I used to have a go right back and I've over time learnt to not give him the satisfaction so now I ignore him and let him have his strop else where until I can get a sensible sentence out of him and until.he apologises.
It's not ideal and I thought we were doing good until tonight

:beezie: that is exactly how it is! You've honestly described exactly how it happens

He sounds like a passive aggressive PITA. Having a stressful job isn't a reason to behave like a prick either.

You say you hope if you do enough it will get less and less? What is he doing to manage his own behaviour, what steps is he taking to get himself under control?

It sounds like there's a dynamic where he picks a fight, says shitty nasty things to you, blames you for putting him in the mood and then when he apologies and explains, you end up blaming yourself too and then try getting his temper under control?

DH can be a bit like this from time to time. We've talked about it and he thinks it might be because his mother's way of dealing with disagreements is to go off in a massive smouldering sulk for hours. So he's excessively sensitive to tone of voice, and if I'm even mildly short with him e.g. lots on at work and a bit tense, then he sometimes explodes at me.

Conflict management is mostly learned behaviour, both of you can learn another approach if you wanted to?

When he explains it back in a logical way I feel like i get what the trigger is. He says he thinks I was being short tempered and it was making him feel like he was annoying me and that I was being snappy.

So he justifies his moods by saying you started it.

If you were being short-tempered, he could have asked you what was wrong. If you were snappy he could have asked you not to snap. Instead he pulls this whole tantrum thing, and you end up questioning and blaming yourself.

This isn't right.

And you are enabling it by tiptoeing around him and accepting his apology.

I don't blame you at all for his bad behaviour. That's most definitely his fault. But if you made it clear you weren't going to tolerate it anymore, he might well stop. (He might not, of course, in which case you have to decide whether you'll be happy living like this, or whether you'd be happier living without having to walk on eggshells and blame yourself for things you've not actually done. I'd prefer the latter, but we're all different.)