AIBU MIL parties?

[pandarific]

MIL and FIL like to entertain, and often either have friends of theirs over to dinner or throw a big garden party type thing with aunts uncles and cousins of DH, so say 20-30 people.

These are pleasant but can last 6 hours +, which I find wearing, especially as they include a half hour drive each way.

We also see them a lot - like every two weeks a lot for this and that. They are very nice and all, but I'm a massive introvert and really don't find socialising the most fun, so am often found to be thinking 'oh HURRAY, another birthday/event' - there's always some sort of thing they want to do. I work full time, I like my chill out time, you know? But hey ho, a first world problem, nothing to get het up about.

However, I am presently a bit miffed, maybe you can tell me if AIBU? we got married a few months back and received photos recently, four elderly relations couldn't attend the wedding, MIL suggests we come around and show elderly relatives the pictures - fair enough, it would be a nice thing to do for them, will obviously be a low key thing, not a massive fuss etc - all fine. We have a small 1 bed flat at the aforementioned distance with stairs the elderly people find hard so it was decided it would be at theirs.

Can you guess what actually happens? Yup, entire extended family were invited by MIL (without asking us, just informing DH the night before) so it was the usual 25 people, MIL and FIL hosting with food/drink, 6+ hours of socialising centred around our wedding.

AIBU to feel a little bit that liberties have been taken a bit, here? I just felt a bit on display - when I thanked MIL (as you have to, don't you?) she said 'Oh you're worth it', which has annoyed me a bit - I don't think it really was 'for me', and if it was, perhaps it would have been a good idea to ask if we'd actually want a massive thing before just arranging it?

It's no biggie, but AIBU to be slightly peeved or am I a miserable caaah?

The "photos party" sounds, erm, fun. can just imagine all the others guests with a WtF face...

I think with regards to the party invites generally, your best bet is just to go along and get very very drunk. Taxi home. Sorted.

Given that these PILs are well known for throwing large get togethers is not really surprising that it turned out to be a lot bigger than originally suggested is it?

And as it was at the MILs house she doesn't have to ask anyone permission who she can invite.

It's a ONE off. It won't happen again.

She sounds lovely and her intention is good. She said you're worth it, she genuinely seems to like you and want to do what she perceives to be something nice foe you. Yabu.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

This may out me
When I got engaged my dad asked what I'd like, so I said a nice meal out with my family (siblings, parents and grandparents) and DH's family.
So, my dad threw us a party for 200 people with cake cutting, first dance, speeches etc. Not what I had in mind at all, and when we did get married (4 years later, as we wanted to finish uni first) we didn't have any of these things after the wedding as we felt it had been done already.

That said, DH and I turn 40 in a few years, and I am planning a big knees-up; but this time it'll be on my terms.

It'll make it less tedious! You can leave your photos on the table and wander off and mingle

Option A sounds awful - sitting around with 3 snoozing rellies saying "this was the cake…."

I'm with you OP. We're just under 2 hours away from my PIL and my MIL moves heaven and earth to get all DHs siblings and their spouses and their kids round every single bloody time we go anywhere near their house and turn it into a day long circus! Massive quantity of food and effort and we barely actually see MIL as she's hosting all day. Just once, just once, it would be nice to go over and just sit with her and FIL and have a cupper and a chat with the TV on in the background. They can read a book to DD4 or something and then we can bugger off again after a sandwich. DH feels the same but wont say anything.

My own family is growing (me, DH, 4 kids, 3 of them adults now with long term BFs) and while i love to see everyone together i can understand how i must reign it in sometimes. I know it because of how it feels for me at PILs. I am mindful that my future son in laws might not want a full on house party every single time they stick their bloomin heads round the door. Often we are comfortable with a random selection of teens/20 somethings slobbing on the sofas watching TV with us ''Royal Family'' style. It's nice to see they've chosen to spend their evening with us that way a couple of times a week. Rambling now.

OP have a chat with DH and just decide to sit out the occasional 'do' at PILs. There's a million and one excuses. Grin happily and bare it on the times you do go.

OP, your MIL has a track record of loving large-scale entertaining, so it shouldn't have come as too big of a surprise. If you haven't explicitly told her that you don't like being the center of attention, it's unrealistic to expect her to run her guest list by you for approval.

I'd be more troubled by your DH not recognising your discomfort, or double checking that going (for that long) is what you both want.

Although you say you are fond of your MIL at present, continuing to grin and bear it for 6 hours each fortnight, for however many years to come(!) is a surefire way of building up resentment in the long term.

YANBU My mother does this and it dries me to distraction.

I don't get nervous at social functions nor would I consider myself introverted, but I simply don't want to spend 6 hours on my feet, balancing a plate in my hand talking to HER friends. My weekends are precious. I hate the way I think I'm going over to relax with a cuppa on the couch and find myself having to talk about work and holiday with her neighbours.

Nip this in the bud or you will end up like I did - in tears because you're 3 days post partum, dying with exhaustion, and you thought you were going over to have some tea and TLC and maybe a nap and you've arrive and see the dining table groaning with a buffet and realise that there are 25 people coming for a "meet the baby extravaganza".

I would start having commitments for 2 hours after you arrive...."Yes we'd love to come, but we'll have to leave at 4.."

I am with you on this , you are not being unfair at all .
It's easy to say suck it up and get over yourself if you are the extravert party type but this would be my equivalent of having my toenails pulled out with a pair of tweezers - absolute hell on earth
You need to have a proper discussion about this at a quiet time and explain that party's are really not your thing ( I dread family gatherings to the point they make me ill with anxiety at the thought of having to attend )
You sound like you have a lovely MIL who wants to everyone to have a nice time , it's now a time to explain that these gatherings are not for you

Do they actually expect you to stay 6 hours OP? Just because they all seem to love socialising that amount of time doesn't mean that you have to stay put.

Although given that your DH takes after his parents in this department you're going to have to both come up with a compromise I guess. Or sometimes send him on his own?

Well this one was about you both so you might be being a bit unreasonable especially if DH enjoys these things. But yanbu to decline some of the invitations or attend for shorter periods. Compromise.

You need to tell her, not at or just after being invited to one of these parties, or your husband needs to tell her

She sounds genuinely nice. You don't sound unreasonable or ungrateful, but you do have to tell her

If you tell her too close to a party she might be upset or offended. But you have to tell her

You don't know, she could have a friend or relative like you already, and she'd just be sad you didn't tell her sooner. Or maybe she wouldn't get it, but she'd respect it. She sounds nice, so hopefully it's one of those! But you have to tell her!

"Just once, just once, it would be nice to go over and just sit with her and FIL and have a cupper and a chat with the TV on in the background."

I think this is a really important point: just as some people may be uncomfortable with large gatherings and loads of people, others are sometimes uncomfortable with precisely this kind of closeness.

There are families where all people do is to have a cuppa and chat, but the chat is emotionally quite connected and people are relating together on quite an intimate level in a two-way fashion. There are others - my in laws, for instance - where this is seen as deeply threatening. They just don't have the emotional intelligence or ability to connect with others that is necessary for a conversation. So when we see them, there must be constant activity - we have to run around literally all day from 8am to midnight going to places, because that is what feels 'close' to them. I suspect it might be the same with your MIL.

"Or if it's possible, arrange separate transport so you're free to leave when you want to."