AIBU MIL parties?

[pandarific]

MIL and FIL like to entertain, and often either have friends of theirs over to dinner or throw a big garden party type thing with aunts uncles and cousins of DH, so say 20-30 people.

These are pleasant but can last 6 hours +, which I find wearing, especially as they include a half hour drive each way.

We also see them a lot - like every two weeks a lot for this and that. They are very nice and all, but I'm a massive introvert and really don't find socialising the most fun, so am often found to be thinking 'oh HURRAY, another birthday/event' - there's always some sort of thing they want to do. I work full time, I like my chill out time, you know? But hey ho, a first world problem, nothing to get het up about.

However, I am presently a bit miffed, maybe you can tell me if AIBU? we got married a few months back and received photos recently, four elderly relations couldn't attend the wedding, MIL suggests we come around and show elderly relatives the pictures - fair enough, it would be a nice thing to do for them, will obviously be a low key thing, not a massive fuss etc - all fine. We have a small 1 bed flat at the aforementioned distance with stairs the elderly people find hard so it was decided it would be at theirs.

Can you guess what actually happens? Yup, entire extended family were invited by MIL (without asking us, just informing DH the night before) so it was the usual 25 people, MIL and FIL hosting with food/drink, 6+ hours of socialising centred around our wedding.

AIBU to feel a little bit that liberties have been taken a bit, here? I just felt a bit on display - when I thanked MIL (as you have to, don't you?) she said 'Oh you're worth it', which has annoyed me a bit - I don't think it really was 'for me', and if it was, perhaps it would have been a good idea to ask if we'd actually want a massive thing before just arranging it?

It's no biggie, but AIBU to be slightly peeved or am I a miserable caaah?

Thanks all, sounds like I am in part U in part not U (about this particular thing).

I will say she is an absolutely lovely person and I like her very much. She's just a bit full on with all the things all the time.

I will politely extricate myself next time I don't fancy it.

I'm perfectly entitled to disagree with the OP Edmund just as quite a few other posters have

ConstanceCraving, there's disagreeing, then there's suggesting that her problem is a complete non-issue, as you did. At least other posters have offered advice, not suggesting she's 'scraping the barrel' in terms of problems. That's just rude, even if you can't empathise with her position.

I'd take up a hobby that meant you had to leave earlier than your DP. So it becomes - panda always leaves at 4pm to muck out the pangolins or whatever.

You are indeed "entitled" to Constance but that doesn't mean other posters can't give you feedback on your posts...

Oh lighten up will you. It was said in gest even though I don't think there was a particular problem with what happened.

While these large-scale gatherings are obviously something you don't enjoy OP, it is obviously something that your DH does enjoy and that's the rub. You'll need to find a way to accommodate you both rather than (either of) you becoming resentful. Would your DH be open to perhaps going for an hour or two less?

OMG you have a HALF HOUR drive either side... you poor, poor little kitten.

#getoveryourself

Just go later / leave early if you don't want to stay for 6 hours

"only popping in because I have to mow the lawn / feed the cat/ I hate you"

I think your MIL probably thinks she's doing something lovely in hosting a party for you, and doesn't realise how you, as an introvert, find these situations wearing.

Next time you are invited, I would set some limits to the time span that you attend her dos: 'I'm sorry, we can't make it for 4pm, but we will be there at 7pm" kind of thing. Either plead a prior engagement, or you can even say "You're such a wonderful host and socialite, I really admire those qualities, but I'm a bit more retiring and I don't have your stamina!". That way you are outlining your position as a compliment. A sensitive person will pick up your meaning and understand.

Should she not comprehend this and start bullying or insisting that you attend, she will be the one in the wrong, and you can be more blunt. But hopefully it won't come to that!

OMG you have a HALF HOUR drive either side... you poor, poor little kitten.

#getoveryourself

Oh look, the kids are back on MN, since school has finished . Are some posters just having a secret competition to be the rudest to reply on here?

Maybe it hasn't yet dawned on MIL that whilst she is the outgoing hostess type, you are introverted and prefer not to be the centre of attention very often.

I am quite like you. Those types of family gatherings would not be my idea of fun. My parents were like that too, so I rarely had to suffer them growing up. DH's family were more sociable, which was a revelation to me at first, and a bit unnerving.

I can cope with some family gatherings, if I don't have to be the centre of attention and can blend into the background more. Fortunately the days when they were frequent seem to be gone now.

Perhaps your MIL is cack-handedly trying to make you feel as welcome in the family as possible, not realising that it is so in-your-face and overwhelming.

I guess you have to suck it up this time due to the wedding photos aspect, but for the future begin a gradual and tactful withdrawal from some of the events. DH can go on his own at times. You get a hobby, be meeting a friend in town, need to make the occasional solo visit to your own family etc. Just go to a few events now and then, when you really must. It will be more bearable.

I'm afraid you kind of lost me at the "half hour drive" complaint. That's practically round the corner!

But it does sound a bit much. I would be making my excuses from time to time. You don't have to attend every event just because they invite you - you are allowed to have other plans.

As for the wedding event. I think it is well intentioned and you will just have to put up with it.

Who are you then Edmund - the crabby headmistress thinking it's your place to pull posters up?

It's not.

The OP as suggested could go later/leave earlier if she wanted. I guess everyone that stays the whole 6 hours are having fun and enjoying themselves but if that isn't your bag you can do something about it surely?

Oh god, I am you! Totally understand where you're coming from- I would absolutely hate it. My birthday is in a few weeks and my mum keeps asking what I want to do i.e. get the whole family together and go out for a meal, or have them come round, and she doesn't listen when I say I don't want to do anything like that. I know she's just trying to be nice and I'm happy to visit them all individually but to have them all round at once (esp if I'm the focus of attention) is a nightmare.

Also, maybe you've already done this, but perhaps bring it up gently to your husband, that you find situations like this draining, and agree a time limit before you go?

entire extended family were invited by MIL (without asking us, just informing DH the night before) so it was the usual 25 people, MIL and FIL hosting with food/drink, 6+ hours of socialising centred around our wedding

On the other hand, OP, you got to tell everyone about your lovely wedding and there will be no gossip or fallouts with 'x got to know y before I did'

Yabu. Everyone else has expressed why. But honestly, get over it.

Why would she need your permission to have people at her house?

The OP as suggested could go later/leave earlier if she wanted. I guess everyone that stays the whole 6 hours are having fun and enjoying themselves but if that isn't your bag you can do something about it surely?

Of course she could, and to say 'just leave/don't go!' is very simple when you're rolling your eyes behind a computer screen.

However, in real life it can be a little bit more complicated. The op evidently doesn't want to offend her MiL, especially since this is a recent marriage and everyone will be dealing with the 'changes in boundaries'. If the op stops going as much, the MiL might take offence, or worry her DiL has become 'that type' since getting married. Did you not see that recent huge thread, where a family has taken huge slight against their new DiL/SiL because of one unsolved disagreement?

Sometimes it's not as easy as just disengaging, it takes years of blending your personality with your new family, so it's not always easy to say 'this doesn't suit me, I'm not doing it'. You hope that a marriage will last a lifetime, and in the early days it can be difficult to know how to balance your personal time and seeing family. You don't want to start it off by putting your foot down too hard, but you don't want to upset PiL either, or that's how I read it. So yes, the op should find a way to step back from these big events, but I can absolutely see how she's questioning if anyone is being unreasonable in this situation as well.

HANG ON.

I misread the OP. I thought the party was at the OP's house NOT the MILs.

So you're miffed because she didn't run it by you that she was going to invite her friends and relatives to a get together she was putting on because you have a tiny house!

I stand by my first post on this thread even more.

YABVU. Your MIL sounds lovely.

So you're miffed because she didn't run it by you that she was going to invite her friends and relatives to a get together she was putting on because you have a tiny house!

No. The op is annoyed because she was under the impression that on this occasion is was to be a small gathering of MiL relatives because that's what she understood they had arranged, wherever it took place. It was only meant to be to show a few pictures. She's annoyed as she was (as I gather) hoping for a shorter visit so she could actually 'chill' this weekend. Instead she was greeted to another full on, 6 hour long family event that she wasn't prepared for - and introverts usually do need more time to mentally prepare for large groups of people. If forewarned, perhaps the op would have chosen not to go, but she's not psychic, she thought they were doing a nice thing for a couple of people who couldn't attend their wedding, not attending a party.

Though I'm very happy for the OP to correct me on any of my interpretations of her first post.

I can empathise. My lovely SIL is the same, but on a larger scale (last week's garden party was for 150!). I've simply stopped going to them all. I'm lucky in that I have a job that takes me away and also at weekends sometimes, so it's a handy excuse. Just a friendly "I've got something on this weekend, sorry" should do.

I can kind of see why you were a bit upset re the wedding photos, but I'd have been happy to show ours off, personally.

I think it's REALLY important to understand that mixing in a large group for 6 hours may be wonderful for some people, but is tiring and anxiety-provoking for others. It's OK to bow out early if you are in the latter group (and not OK to bully those people to stay beyond the boundaries of their endurance), but it doesn't make those in the first group bad people for wanting to arrange the event in the first place.