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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Soft play - WIBU?

70 replies

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 11:57

My DD(3) has hyperacusis. She can cope with some loud noises but finds high-pitched sounds really painful - she collapses on the floor with her hands clamped over her ears and can't move. To help her cope, we take ear defenders with us everywhere and whip them out at the first sign of trouble.

Yesterday, we went to a small soft play in a garden centre. We go there quite often because it's not usually too frantic. When we arrived it was a bit noisy, so out came the ear defenders and all was fine. It emptied out until it was just DD and another little girl, and they were having a great time. Then another girl, about 6, came in and started screaming at the top of her lungs. She wasn't shouting to attract anyone's attention, just screaming and screaming. My DD immediately crumpled.

I tried gently shushing the little girl, but this made no difference. In fact, she did it more and then looked at me to see if I'd noticed! Eventually, I went up to her and explained, very gently, that my DD finds screaming painful, which is why she's wearing those funny earphones, and it would really help if she could stop screaming. The little girl didn't say anything but the screaming stopped. Yay! And my DD picked herself up and carried on enjoying soft play.

My partner thinks I was being precious and shouldn't have said anything and that we should just have removed DD from the noise. I think it was perfectly fine to say something - after all, it worked and both children were able to enjoy themselves.

I don't think the world revolves around my DD and her disabilities - I understand that soft plays are noisy, and children tend to shriek when they're excited - but it didn't seem fair to have her day spoiled because another child was behaving with more than the normal (hellish) soft play levels of boisterousness.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
brasty · 17/07/2017 12:35

You were perfectly reasonable OP. Also many many children with SEN find others screaming, totally unbearable. I have never understood this assumption that many have that if a child is screaming lots, they have SEN. They may have, but usually they do not.

Original poster
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 12:39

DP is generally very supportive and is great with DD, but he has a crippling horror of Making A Scene (even if it's not actually a scene) and would always prefer to back away from even the slightest confrontation.
I'm also very averse to confrontation but I'm like Attila the Hun compared with him!

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 17/07/2017 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiseToday · 17/07/2017 12:44

I would have said something and my child does not have a hearing disability. Who on earth wants to sit there listening to some kid screaming the place down!?

You definitely did the right thing.

muckypup73 · 17/07/2017 12:44

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool, unfortunately my son is 10and still not grown out of it, he has white noise generatros first, he wastotally ok with them, then after they had finished he went onto pink noise generators and those are the ones hes struggling with.

Sirzy · 17/07/2017 12:46

The SN side was why I initially said talk to the parents. But generally if a child did have SN in a situation like that the parents would be around and aware of what was going on.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/07/2017 12:46

You did exactly the right thing.

Children are not snowflakes that melt if an adult speaks to them FGS.

Your DH needs to get on board with meeting DD's needs, where possible, rather than removing her. He needs to do it PDQ because making modifications where possible will make DD's life so much better. As you said, you can't change everything (lots of children together making a lot of noise) but it's ridiculous not to change things you can change (one child screaming for the hell of it).

He has to accept her disabilities & think of her, not himself.

Chattymummyhere · 17/07/2017 12:50

I think you explained it nice to the 6yr old and age appropriately that the screaming hurts her and that's why she has the headphone. The child understood and and stopped screaming. No tears or anything a child learnt about another's feelings and partly about a child's disability and how to help make things nicer for that child. I see no problem at all.

Original poster
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 12:51

muckypup - it's interesting that you mention noise generators as I'd never heard of them until this weekend, when an adult
with hyperacusis showed me hers. They look amazing! I'm not sure whether my DD would tolerate them yet - she won't wear her glasses or a hearing aid - but they may well be the solution when she's a bit bigger.
I hope you manage to get something comfortable for your son soon. It's so awful seeing your child in pain.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/07/2017 12:56

As I said, I know it all ended well but you really did take huge risk there.

? WTAF?

What 'risk' exactly did the OP take?

A child was screaming, she asked the child to stop it. She even explained why. The sky will not fall in if a child is spoken to by an adult, not even a child with SN. If you allow a child to run around unsupervised at soft play (as most of us do), SN or no SN, then you need to accept others will tell them if their behaviour is unacceptable.

It was far better when adults were adults & children were children and any adult felt free to tell a child to do or not do something. Give me the 70's/80's anytime. This current way is not doing anyone any favours.

ginnybag · 17/07/2017 13:00

I don't see that you did anything wrong, either.

You were nice to the other child, she listened and the problem was resolved. Wins all round.

Louiselouie0890 · 17/07/2017 13:00

Sounds fine to me. Even if I was the girls parent I'd be quite happy you spoke to her and gave her the chance to learn about other people.

HidingUnderARock · 17/07/2017 13:04

It could have gone badly but it didn't. It sounds like you were careful and thoughtful and it paid off.
You may have done a great service to hundreds of people by getting through to that little girl. Or you may not, and you will probably never know. Imo YWNBU, and I would be grateful.

rainbowduck · 17/07/2017 13:08

I did consider SN but, between screams, the little girl was interacting in what seemed a normal way with the other child, and with her dad when he finally came to get her (after I'd spoken to her about the screaming).

Hmm
Original poster
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 13:12

Why the raised eyebrow, rainbowduck? I spend a huge amount of time with children with SN, including autism, and nothing in this little girl's behaviour suggested she wasn't NT.

OP posts:
rainbowduck · 17/07/2017 13:12

Op when you wrote that, it totally jarred with me. Reminds me of when people ask me if I am sure my PFB has ASD because he can hold a conversation and make eye contact.

And in response to another PP's comment about how SN child should be supervised, I would not hover around him. He is a kid, like all others and I am able to step away from him and have a coffee by myself.

With regards to the original AIBU, I think you handled it well enough, but whilst you must do your best for your kids, you also have to recognize that you cannot control others and the world will often not adapt itself to your family's needs.

rainbowduck · 17/07/2017 13:16

And the raises eyebrow is because invisible disabilities are often that... invisible.

I am surprised that you feel qualified enough to make a snap judgment about this other child, based on a brief interaction, given your vast exposure to SN children.

Original poster
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 13:18

I'm genuinely sorry if it jarred, rainbowduck. I do realise that ASD presents differently in different children. But I think my hunch was born out by the fact that a) the little girl started looking at me after every scream to see if I'd noticed, and b) that she did stop when I explained the problem to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 13:19

Also, my primary concern was for my own child, who was in distress at that moment, rather than the possible, potential, who knows? SN of the child causing it.

OP posts:
rainbowduck · 17/07/2017 13:28

Of course your child is your primary concern. That should never change.

I am just saying, please try not to judge that other child or cast aspersions. Who knows why she did it? Kids are kids, NT or SN. You dealt with it well, and now I honestly wouldn't give it another thought, except how else you can keep preparing your child to deal with these difficult situations in the future.

Original poster
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/07/2017 13:37

Thanks, rd.

OP posts:
BigDamnHero · 17/07/2017 13:53

Both my boys have autism and both are noise sensitive. However, both (and DS1 in particular) often deal with that by trying to drown out all noise by making more themselves (screaming, shouting, hummung, banging on things etc.).

Id's be fine with someone nicely explaining to them that the noise was hurting someone else, though. They have needs but need to understand others do, too.

And, to be honest, most parents I know with kids with SEN would be there with the child ready to intervene etc. if necessary rather than off having coffee etc.

BigDamnHero · 17/07/2017 13:53

*I'd

No idea where 'Id's' came from. Confused

twotwofour · 17/07/2017 13:55

YADNBU.

Good for you for sticking up for your DD.

ecuse · 17/07/2017 14:00

I don't think you were U to quietly, nicely, raise it with the child, and it all worked out. Result!
You WBU if you had 'told her off' rather than asked nicely, and if your gentle intervention hadn't worked you WBU to keep trying to shut someone else's kid up.

But as it is - seems fine to me. I'd have no objection if that had been to my child (and I'd like to think if it were my child I'd have been in there trying to stop her doing such hellish screaming in the first place!)

I want my kids to think of others' enjoyment when they're out and about. I'd hate it if they had the attitude 'I'm not going to modify my behaviour to allow others with different needs to play'. That means when situations like this arise I want someone to actually point it out to them, not just pretend other people don't exist.