Bloody annoying friendship group crap

[WeiAnMeokEo]

After some sane advice.

A group of us met at uni. One of the group and I have a sexual history - I was in hindsight much more into them than they to me. A few years ago, they told me they did want to make a go of it between us, then promptly met someone else, didn't tell me but just stopped messaging, let me find out through another member of the group and then sent me an email to say they 'hoped it didn't change anything between us.' They then turned up to a party another friend had thrown for me, halfway through the meal, and sat with the rest of our mutual friends as though everything was fine. One of the mutual friends told me later that the rest of the group knew this person was coming but hadn't told me, and that they'd come because they wanted things to 'go back to normal'.

After this, I was super hurt. It bothered me far less that they'd met someone else and far more that I felt they'd - not for the first time - decided how they wanted things to be with no respect for my feelings or needs. and expected me tonfall in line. I always felt that they were a little embarrassed to be romantically linked to me, and this obviously didn't help. I decided I was done and that if this person was really interested in a friendship they'd make the effort to talk to me. They didn't.

This all happened 4 years ago. Since then, another of the group has got married so we all - including the person I have history with - saw each other then along with my now husband. They were all, I felt, hoping that we'd get pissed and bury the hatchet in true British fashion. I genuinely don't bear this person any ill will, and was entirely civil, but I have - as I made clear at the time - no interest in a friendship. They didn't really seem keen either. and after over a decade of feeling messed about and gaslighted by them, I just feel happier and healthier with some distance between us.

My issue really is this: I get the impression the others in the group think I'm being a pain in the arse and should just reconcile for the sake of the group. I think for them, as we're both happy with partners there shouldnt be an issue. For example, they continue to include both of us in group chats arranging to meet up/general chit chat and reminiscing, which just feels kinda uncomfortable. But then I feel like if I leave the chat it'll look really petty...agh! Feel about 15!!!

Have tried being honest about my feelings - in a rational and non-blamey way - and it just feels like the group take it as an inconvenient truth, sweep it under the rug and carry on. I am starting to feel quite hurt and resentful and to wonder whether any of these relationships can survive, but am prepared to be told I am wrong!

Wwyd? Agh!

But so what if they were an indecisive emotionally stunted fuckwit in college? We all were!

Sure they messed you around a bit and stomped on your heart, but it may not have been either conscious or malicious. Nobody could have foreseen how strongly you'd still feel about it all these years later.

And you do still feel strongly. You say it's water under the but that's clearly bollocks, tbh. You don't even want to encounter him on a group chat and you're so upset at the idea of him being in the periphery of your social life that you're considering dumping the lot of them.

They are not being insensitive. They have all just moved on more and they are not unreasonable to have a mild expectation that you would be moving on too.

But it was only 4 years ago and the impression I get is that the OP feels like the ex messed her around throughout uni and beyond and down played the whole thing. Rightly or wrongly the op feels aggrieved by that. I can see how she feels even though it is a bit unreasonable to expect the others in the group to effectively take sides.

They're non binary :)

I do feel there was a fair bit of minimising that went on but really, that doesn't bother me as much as the refusal to communicate couples with the 'but let's all be cool yeah?' attitude.

Fair enough!
The minimising throughout your time together and then breezily showing up as if nothing even mattered in the first place probably explains the lack of communication. They see nothing that needs talking about. I'd feel rubbish about it too to be honest but the rational side of my brain says you probably need to let it go

The birthday party thing sucked. Even if your friends weren't aware of the details, the ex shouldn't have showed up. All of them were using the birthday as a reason to have a group reunion, rather than gathering to celebrate your birthday and fuss over you .

If there's only 5 of you, then it pretty much is me or the ex. I think your friends have made their feelings known already. I'd focus on maintaining individual friendships and fade out of the group.

And yeah, it went on for about 9 years.

I'm not expecting side taking as I say...i guess I just felt like the group were pushing for me to peace-make but the advice on this thread has helped with that.

I don't think I can be around them still - there was just too much pain involved and although I can and do forgive that, it's not healthy to sweep it all under the rug. I'll just make sure to see the rest of the group separately and be more mindful of their position too.

what's non binary

OP, your friends and Excel have all moved on from your on/off uni relationship, but you have not. You are stuck and you need to address that.

it's not healthy to sweep it under the rug but it's also unhealthy to expect others to help you to process it. You have to work through this yourself. Your peace with the situation can't be dependent on how your friendship group acts or on how your on/off romantic 'friend' feels.
To continue your sweeping analogy, you're swirling all round the floor at the moment, trying to involve everyone else. You need to sweep it up. It's your issue and if you feel resolution is dependent on other people then you're miles away from processing this healthily.

I would say after all this time it's not necessary to discuss with the other person what happened, they would probably think it's odd at this stage, but perhaps it would help you to talk to a counsellor about it if you really want to work through it. Otherwise if it is causing you such upset still, maybe it would be be better to give the group social things a miss and just meet up with the rest of the group individually.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting discussing it any further now, I'm aware that ship has sailed and I haven't brought it up with either this person or any others in the group since it all kicked off.

Part of what this post is I guess is trying to process the situation - it's been hard to understand what's expected of me because no one's talked about it openly. So.e posters have been really helpful on this front so thank you!

Non binary = does not define as male or female, hence 'they' pronoun rather than he or she :)

So its the pair of you and 3 other people, who are probably just not interested in the drama of your ongoing endless saga with this other person, who clearly has plenty of other drama to be getting on with as well. And why should they be?

I feel a bit sorry for you, as it's a very small group and basically you feel slighted and can't really blend into the background as you would in a larger group. I guess I'd just work on those individual friendships with the one or two people you like best and if you really can't go on with the group, then don't, but it doesn't sound like they want to change or to discuss.

I think the replies youre getting are a bit harsh. You were hurt by the behaviour of one individual and they refuse to acknowledge it. I bet if they had acknowledged it years ago then you would feel validated and wouldnt be posting now.

However, I dont think you are ever going to get this validation from them, so if I were you I would cut your losses. They care very little about your feelings, and that is not what you want in a friendship.

Everything that ElspethFlashman wrote in the second reply to the thread. I agree that your friends are under no obligation to exclude this person for your sake. They are all friends. You are friends with some of them. C'est la vie.

They shouldn't have invited him to your party four years ago - that was wrong, particularly as the hurt was raw at that time.

However your romance was 4 years ago, you're now married to someone else. You took your chances and risked the friendship group by pursuing the relationship at the time. If push came to shove it sounds like they'd pick his friendship over yours - but they don't want to, they want everyone to be friends or at least amiable and to be fair after 4 years that should be doable. I shouldn't worry - when/if your friendship group starts having DCs the nature of it will all change anyway.

You were hurt by the behaviour of one individual and they refuse to acknowledge it. I bet if they had acknowledged it years ago then you would feel validated and wouldnt be posting now

What you mean is they should have taken sides then, and did not, and are still not taking sides now.

If I were one of the friends I would ditch the pair of you.

Does the 'non binary' thing affect this person psychologically? Make them self obsessed, narcissistic and selfish?

God I hate these sorts of things. I sympathise OP. The thing is your friends should have your back and when someone treats you shittily they should be there for you. However people rarely make a stand when it's within a social circle. Personally I'd say they weren't being particularly good friends to your ex either, as if for sake of argument I treated someone badly my friends are precisely the people I'd rely on and trust to call me on it.

The thing is we all rarely process trauma, so we turn to people who will be blind to our faults and the deal is we will be blind to theirs. Situations such as this reveal how superficial we actually want our friendships to be. My advice is find some quality, self aware people and be friends with them.

Redexpat I think you're right. But as a lot of people have said, they probably just didn't want to take sides. It's been helpful to hear that, however harsh!

No, being non binary does not equate to that kind of behaviour. And we were younger and both a bit twatty - as I say, it was really the communication shutdown after the fact that was painful, not the fact of being serially ditched in itself.

I should say, I'm British by birth but not ethnically from a culture where the whole least said soonest mended thing is done...we are quite an expressive lot, and this sometimes does get in the way of my social understanding.

Thank you for all your replies, it's helped me tease out where I want to go from here. I'll be off now!

YANBU. It sounds like you have worked out that your ex-friend doesn't have the same ethics and values as you. They effectively two timed you, ghosted you, and left you to find out what was going on from others in the group. Rather than apologize they expect you to get over it and move on. That is not a kind way to treat anyone, especially a friend.

It is reasonable to not want a close relationship with someone who doesn't have the same values as you. In fact a difference in ethics quite often leads to a lack of respect which is a friendship and relationship killer. A person who will give back change in a shop when they've been overpaid is not going to want to hang around with someone who thinks it's funny to 'dine and dash' for instance.

I'd start regarding the friendship group as ex-work colleagues rather than friends. They are good for a fun night out and to go down memory lane with.

You spoke about having 2 heads, or someone up thread did. I certainly do. The rational, fun, no hassle head and the one that overthinks and is dramatic and unfortunately this is the one that gets attention.

Not the same but I once called a potential boyfriend 35 times in a morning as he wasn't answering his phone! Crikey, no idea why he'd want to avoid me,....!

In the end, I worked out that often doing nothing in these situations is better than doing something. if things are ok, not great but manageable then leave it. These things have a way of sorting themselves out.

Move onto worrying about something else...

OP I massively empathise with you. I had a situation where my fiance cheated on me and my dear friend commenced a relationship immediately after I had found out about the cheating and dumped him.

Frankly I could not believe the behaviour of my friends in the same "group" who cared only about maintaining the status quo. For example, the whole group knew that my dear friend was dating my ex-fiance but left me to find out myself, months after everyone else, when I'd already been sufficiently humiliated. I always got the "Get over it" spiel. Frankly I still haven't fully got over it, years later. I'm well over the man (very happily married), but not the friends - the complete lack of support I felt from my group of friends was just shocking and left me fundamentally changed in how I view people.

I'm still friends with the group but I've definitely tried to find new and better friends outside the group situation and try not to rely on these people. I feel for you.

What do your other friends/family think? It's so hard to get opinions on Mumsnet when people just don't know the ins and outs of things.

he thing is your friends should have your back and when someone treats you shittily they should be there for you. However people rarely make a stand when it's within a social circle

This attitude is insane, Which friends? They should have her back but cut off the other friend...but you said friends should have each others back?
Why should anyone make a stand because two people in a group have been having a almost decade long drama going on?
Honestly, listen to yourself!

shrugs I don't see how that's insane? Your friends should be people who have your back and are willing to point out when you are getting something wrong. I'm not actually advocating drawing battle lines and exiling anyone. You can choose to tackle these scenarios with sensitivity and tact.

You'll note I didn't actually call for anyone to cut off anyone. I simply advocated making a stand. I have found it crucial in my friendship circles to have a little integrity. Friends will usually be able to predict where I'll stand on a situation and that gets reciprocated.

It also helps to inoculate a group from really toxic people. Which can really tear up a good group of friends if people aren't looking out for one another. Maybe the ex is an otherwise ace person who just treated the OP a bit callously back in the day. All it requires in that case is a quiet word and the ability for some self reflection.