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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to cool this friendship

48 replies

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:09

Back in April I had a miscarriage. It ended up turning into a haemorrhage and I was swiftly admitted to hospital following severe blood loss. I was kept in hospital and released early the following morning doped to the eyeballs with painkillers and god knows what else. My friends were aware of the miscarriage and the haemorrhage. The morning I got home I received a text from my friend to tell me she was pregnant and "just had to tell me because she was concerned that I might find out." There was no conceivable way I'd ever have found out she was pregnant and she was well before the 12 week mark. My husband was appalled and the rest of my family who supported me through that awful time were completely disgusted. I couldn't understand why she had to tell me hours after I came home from the hospital. As such I cooled the friendship completely (she is more a friend of a friend) but I feel like the rest of the friendship group is uncomfortable with my decision - I'm invited out less and there seems to be a general quietness towards me. My DH and family have been amazing and have told me that they can't really be good friends if that's their attitude but I suppose it just hurts after all I've been through.

WIBU to cool the friendship?

OP posts:

NicolasFlamel · 17/07/2017 09:10

absolutely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't even cool it, I would completely end it.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/07/2017 09:13

I'm not saying she acted sensitively but it's clear from your post that it's possible (or she believed it so) that you could find out from the friendship group.

She's at once not close enough to know the exact moment you left hospital and how much it was the wrong time to tell you and also close enough to worry that one of your friends might tell you.

Very sorry for your loss

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:15

None of our other friends knew at that point. It was clear from her text that I was the first to know.

And as far as she knew I was still in hospital as she knew I'd been admitted but didn't know I'd been sent home which I find even worse

OP posts:

ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 09:19

I'm not sure if she was being highly insensitive or worried that you'd find out later and be upset she hadn't told you?

Unless she's completely unthinking/uncaring I would imagine it was the former.

ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 09:20

Sorry I meant the latter!

RhubardGin · 17/07/2017 09:21

YANBU

What an insensitive thing to do!

I would suggest meeting with your other friends and explaining what happened and that you were so upset with her insensitivity that you now feel unable to continue with the friendship.

Your real friends should understand this. If someone text that to one of my friends just as she had suffered what you had they would be getting a piece of my mind!

Hope you're ok OP, your family sound wonderful

LaurieFairyCake · 17/07/2017 09:22

I would also assume she wanted to tell others (or her partner did) so told you first

Why don't you assume it comes from a kind place, has she been horrible to you in the past?

It's odd to suspect her motives when there are other explanations?

PenelopeFlintstone · 17/07/2017 09:22

Yeah, I think she might have tried to do the right thing but got it completely wrong. Unless she's always a bitch?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 17/07/2017 09:23

I'm not sure. Insensitive timing absolutely but I can also see why she felt the need to tell you as well. There is no law that says you have to wait until 12 weeks and she was likely planning on discussing with friends and there would then be a chance you'd find out.
The advice on mumsnet when people find out they are pregnant and unsure how to tell anyone that has had miscarriages or fertility problems is to do it via text or email to allow that person the privacy and time to digest it rather than face to face.
You were obviously very emotional and had been through a dreadful time so your first reaction is not wrong but I think over time I'd have tried to draw a line under it. Unless she has form for this kind of thing I'd assume it was a bit misjudged with no malice meant.

CoughLaughFart · 17/07/2017 09:25

I'm very sorry to hear about what you've been through.

Is it possible your friends haven't invited you out recently because they think you're still not up to socialising? Could you perhaps arrange something one on one with whoever you're closest to in the group? You might be able to have a more honest conversation about the issue this way - plus it doesn't look like you invited everyone except the woman who texted you.

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:25

She isn't a close friend and was so early in her pregnancy that there just was no reason to tell me. She didn't tell anyone else for weeks afterwards so I had to sit knowing this information while coping with the after effects of a miscarriage and blood loss. If she'd waited a couple of weeks then I can understand but to text within hours of being admitted to hospital just seemed callous

OP posts:

ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 09:29

You obviously think it was done maliciously which is your right as you know her ( we don't ) but it's done now. Try to put it behind you and concentrate on yourself during this difficult time.

RhubardGin · 17/07/2017 09:29

Even if it wasn't malicious the friend shouldn't have text her knowing she might still be in hospital or just home, her timing was spectacularly bad.

And to send a text knowing what she had been through was cold.

This so called friend wasn't thinking about anyone but herself when she text that message, she just wanted to cover her own back so she could tell everyone else.

Not a nice person at all. She could have waited a few days and then told you in person, that's what I would have done in this situation.

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:31

constance I think you're right. I can't imagine doing that to someone who is really quite ill and grieving the loss of their baby just hours before. I'd wait sometime to tell them I'm in the early stages of pregnancy.

OP posts:

cottagecheesequeen · 17/07/2017 09:35

I think her intentions may have been good but it didn't across like that.

Cool it as she got it wrong.

Was it an early miscarriage ? as I know some people can be quite dismissive of miscarriage before 10 weeks, especially if they have not experienced it or don't know they have experienced it.

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:36

I was 12 weeks

OP posts:

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:36

I was told medical management would be ok and my god it went horribly wrong

OP posts:

Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2017 09:38

I'm going to go against the consensus and say she was trying to do the right thing.

I'm guessing that other people did know about her pregnancy and just didn't say anything/pretended not to in front of you. They probably suggested to her to tell you and this is probably why the group is uncomfortable with you blaming her.

I think you need to talk to someone about your loss and about this text and how you feel about it, and work towards being able to reach out to the group and forgive her.

ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 09:39

You've had a terrible loss OP. Time to look after yourself and put her out of your mind. I know that it will be hard because you're already very vulnerable but if you can this will help you start to recover your awful loss.

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:43

Thanks constance I'm on the mend and doing well to be honest. I still can't quite believe someone would be so thoughtless. I'm aware from close friends that I was definitely the first person she told. I'll never quite understand why she felt the need to intrude on a painful moment with news that I didn't need to know at that exact point. I also can't imagine ever doing that to someone. I'm lucky I have other friendship groups and even they're appalled at her level of insensitivity.

OP posts:

ladyme · 17/07/2017 09:46

You poor love.
I had a few miscarriages and while some people were lovely I was astounded by how thoughtless some people were.
I think it depends on how this friend is normally. If it was simply a tactless moment (remember it takes only a few seconds to send an ill-thought out text) and she was otherwise a supportive and lovely friend, I think I'd just let her know it was totally the wrong thing to do and caused you hurt unnecessarily and give her the chance to make it up to you. If she's always a tactless loon, I'd cool the friendship.

MumsOnCrack · 17/07/2017 09:46

I'm not sure I could imagine anyone horrible enough to intentionally upset you. Why are you assuming this was her intention. Yes, she was completely wrapped up in herself but she knew you'd find out. She will have had no idea how you were feeling. Have you told her how you feel, instead of everyone else?

Summerisdone · 17/07/2017 09:50

Honestly I think the friend over thought things and ended up making the wrong decision.
You say you're not very close, yet she chose to tell you before everyone else along with her reasoning why, this seems to me that she really did worry if it came out you would be upset not finding out from her directly and she meant no malice behind it at all.

I understand your feelings towards her actions, you have after all just been through an awful time and it must have felt horrible to hear that someone else is celebrating becoming pregnant whilst you have just lost your baby, and in a very horrible way too.

Perhaps when you're feeling better about things you will be able to chat to her and explain how you felt from her text, as right now she thinks she did the right thing and is probably quite upset that you're not speaking to her over it all.

Also, I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

supersop60 · 17/07/2017 09:55

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
What your friend did was well intentioned, but not thought through. Are you close enough to anyone in the friendship group to explain how you felt? Sorry for your loss

Groupie123 · 17/07/2017 09:57

You're not wrong to be furious with her. But if she wasn't much of a friend in the first place then why are your other friends upset? Could it be that you aren't as close to the group as you thought? I'd be horrified if my friends took a friend of a friend's side over mine in such a situation. You need to reevaluate your friend circles.

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