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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to cool this friendship

48 replies

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 09:09

Back in April I had a miscarriage. It ended up turning into a haemorrhage and I was swiftly admitted to hospital following severe blood loss. I was kept in hospital and released early the following morning doped to the eyeballs with painkillers and god knows what else. My friends were aware of the miscarriage and the haemorrhage. The morning I got home I received a text from my friend to tell me she was pregnant and "just had to tell me because she was concerned that I might find out." There was no conceivable way I'd ever have found out she was pregnant and she was well before the 12 week mark. My husband was appalled and the rest of my family who supported me through that awful time were completely disgusted. I couldn't understand why she had to tell me hours after I came home from the hospital. As such I cooled the friendship completely (she is more a friend of a friend) but I feel like the rest of the friendship group is uncomfortable with my decision - I'm invited out less and there seems to be a general quietness towards me. My DH and family have been amazing and have told me that they can't really be good friends if that's their attitude but I suppose it just hurts after all I've been through.

WIBU to cool the friendship?

OP posts:

elQuintoConyo · 17/07/2017 10:02

Of course you are not being unreasonable. What a hateful, blinkered, selfish thing to do.

Unfortunately, a tragedy shows you who your real friends are. Keep your distance from all of them.

Sorry for your loss

valeriarrgh · 17/07/2017 10:14

People eh? I don't think she was being deliberately awful, it's a special kind of arsehole that drops that kind of bombshell purely to rub it in but she could definitely stand to learn a thing or two about sensitivity.

I suspect and I speak from my own experience here, that she may have over thought the situation to the point of it becoming a massive thing in her head and she simply had to unburden herself, we had a similar thing happen with a family member and their announcement.

If you feel like after this it would be hard to remain friends with her, then that is ok. You don't have to stay friends with anyone you don't want too.

valeriarrgh · 17/07/2017 10:16

So sorry for your loss.

eeny · 17/07/2017 10:31

I think it's fine to cool things while you're grieving and coming to terms with your loss. Miscarriages are horrible and really knock you for six.

Having said that I do think it's hard when everyone's getting pregnant and having babies. Sometimes it's difficult to know what to do for the best.

I fell pregnant just as a friend lost her baby at 12 weeks. I stress a lot about how to tell her and totally over thought it. I ended up telling her sooner than I would have liked due to other circumstances.

Similarly a friend gave birth in ten sane week I miscarried and going over and seeing her with her newborn was so painful. I cried my heart out after leaving their house but never let on as I didn't want to ruin their moment.

Unless this friend is renowned for being awful I would chalk it up to difficult times. May be speak to her about it? I've talked to both my friends and it helped process those horrible feelings.

reuset · 17/07/2017 10:33

It's a bit odd she thought to tell you, to say the least, considering she isn't a close friend.

Sorry for your loss, OP

colacolaaddict · 17/07/2017 10:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's your friendship, you can let it go if you wish, you don't need justification.

However this does sound much more like an awful misjudgement on her part than malicious. Early days of pregnancy can be such a heady time, some women are convinced they look noticeably pregnant at 8 weeks or their looking queasy or not drinking will be totally obvious to everyone, when in reality we are mostly too wrapped up in our own lives to notice! And the days tick by very slowly especially if you are being sick a lot. If she'd asked on here, she'd have been advised to give you a quick heads up in private rather than letting you find out in a bigger group. Ok she jumped the gun & mistimed it massively, but she's not the first to do so - we've had party invites sent 3 months early for first birthday parties. Perhaps she was about to tell everyone anyway. You can't possibly know that you wouldn't possibly have found out. Or rather, you can't possibly assume that she would have assumed that you couldn't possibly find out. The "risk" of you finding out would have been much much higher in her head than yours.

Have you ever got it horribly, cringeingly, toe curlingly wrong? I know I have. Personally I would try to think of it as a bad misjudgement, meant kindly, unless she has serious form for been "hateful" and malicious. Whether you want to drift away from the group on the strength of that is your choice.

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 11:05

colacola

To my knowledge I've never misjudged something so spectacularly, no. I think if I knew my friend was in hospital miscarrying her much longed for child and suffering quite serious complications I'd hold my tongue for just a while.

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 17/07/2017 11:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think it was malicious. It would take someone with a totally warped psyche to message you out of spite at such a time. She was misguided, yes, but cruel, I doubt it

TheFaerieQueene · 17/07/2017 11:11

Her hormones will be all over the place at the moment and your tragedy could well have sparked an emotional reaction

MumsOnCrack · 17/07/2017 13:35

You are hurt and grieving but I think you may be putting that hurt against someone else who really did not do anything to hurt you. I'm sure your situation would have been as awful without her doing what she did but you're lashing out in the wrong direction IMO. Again, have to explained this to her?

Nikephorus · 17/07/2017 13:40

I'm another one who thinks she was trying to do the right thing but got the timing wrong. It seems unlikely that she's done it to hurt you (most people tend not to act that way) so while you're perfectly reasonable to feel hurt & take a step back, I don't think she was unreasonable.

Pennywhistle · 17/07/2017 13:47

I got pregnant with twins just after a close colleague very sadly lost twin baby boys.

I made sure I told her before it was generally known at work but waited as long as I possibly could, and told her in person and in private.

I can't imagine doing anything else.

Even if this woman has just got it wrong, I don't think you are unreasonable to cool the friendship, it must be hard to see past.

I would try speaking to whoever is a strong personality in the rest of the group to find out why you aren't being invited out - do it in person, not by text.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 14:00

I agree it may not have been to hurt me but was there any need to tell me hours after losing my baby and being very unwell? I cannot imagine doing that to someone then waiting weeks to tell everyone else. It seems cruel.

OP posts:

Heartofglass12345 · 17/07/2017 14:28

I think its a bit odd. Even if she had told your other friends, i doubt they would've said anything to you knowing what you've been through. If she's a friend of a friend, could you contact the ones you are more friendly with and arrange to meet up or something? You are probably going to have to see her at some point too, i expect she's feeling a bit awkward too. Hopefully things will be ok. Sorry for your loss xx

honeyroar · 17/07/2017 14:33

But is she a cruel, malicious or selfish friend aside from this incident? Only a truly awful person would deliberately announce news like that solely to hurt you.. Yes it was spectacular bad timing, but I think that she was panicking about you finding out and getting hurt, so she rushed to tell you when there was no actual need for a few days. And she hurt you anyway.

Personally, if I cared about the friendship, I'd say to her that she hurt you and let her explain, rather than sitting still and letting it hurt you. But if you don't care let it go and don't think about it or discuss it with friends anymore.

eeny · 17/07/2017 14:33

Have you asked her why? It might help you if you could found out her reasons.

May be others did know but didn't want to tell you they knew. May be she didn't realise what was happening to you? May be she is just horrible? Seems unlikely though as most people are not malicious.

If a whole group are cooling their friendship with you, sounds like there is more going on.

Porkpudding · 17/07/2017 14:34

Your feelings are your feelings and after such an horrific, horrible event you were probably feeling devastated, hurt and distraught and was very hurt but her ill timed text.
However unless she is truly twisted, sick and evil then I doubt it was intended to hurt you but was an ill timed, misjudged comment!
Maybe she thought other people would pick up on clues she was expecting like putting on weight, not drinking etc and wanted you to find out from her first.
There aren't any rules to this really and yes she got the timing spectacularly wrong and made a horrendous situation worse but I genuinely can't see why she would do it out of Malice.
Sorry for your loss I have had a number of miscarriages and there is light at the end of the tunnel xxx

Trollspoopglitter · 17/07/2017 14:42

"...but I feel like the rest of the friendship group is uncomfortable with my decision - I'm invited out less and there seems to be a general quietness towards me. "

Isn't this the only reason you're doubting yourself?

So it's not really about this "friend" and her motives but more about your actual friends and their reaction to your decision.

What have they said? Did they try to defend her? Were they appalled? Did you even explain it to them or did she give your friends her version?

Original poster

Konichiwagoodbye · 17/07/2017 14:50

honeyroar

I'd never considered it beforehand but my DH has pointed out to me since all this happened that many people aren't keen on her for various reasons. He has a different circle of friends who know her and they don't seem to be her biggest fan. I've never really pryed much because I was never particularly close to her and wasn't that interested. She does like to be the centre of attention but don't a lot of people? I agree I'd need to have known at some point but really hours after a life changing/altering event like a miscarriage?

OP posts:

pinkyflower · 17/07/2017 16:09

insensitive timing but I have been on the 'last to know' list from people that I thought would be more sensitive and by god that hurts like a mofo too.

Maybe speak to her and ask why she felt the need to tell you then - it could be innocent and she really didn't want you to hear through the grapevine... but make it clear she was very very off with her timing, and it would have been more of a face to face (or at least a phone call) conversation, not a bloody text

DotForShort · 17/07/2017 16:18

I'm very sorry about the miscarriage.

Like PPs, I wonder whether she was acting with the best of intentions. Clearly, she got it completely wrong. Is it possible that she has become the target of your anger as a sort of displacement of your grief?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/07/2017 22:31

Her hormones will be all over the place at the moment and your tragedy could well have sparked an emotional reaction

Pregnant women don't get a free pass to think about nobody but themselves. She had early pregnancy hormones, not a lobotomy.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/07/2017 22:40

I'm obviously less trusting than some. I don't know why she told you but I do';t think she can really have had the best of intentions like others say. How on earth would you have found out if she hadn't told any of your other friends.She should have kept it to herself at least for a while. At best it was highly insensitive, at worst it was cruel and attention seeking.

Your family are right if the other friends are letting it affect your friendship with them they are not good enough friends in the first place. She was only a friend of a friend anyway.

so sorry for your loss

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