AIBU? Lack of sleep may be making me unreasonable!!

[Nurse15]

We have an 11 wk old baby who has reflux - as a result she cries 80% of the time and sleeps terribly. My DH last night went to bed with us at 10pm, took me until 10.45 to get the baby asleep. He sleeps in the spare room as he gets up at 5 for work and can't cope with the sleep deprivation of having a newborn! At 11.30 he woke me coming upstairs - he must have been in the living room as he couldn't sleep. The baby then woke for a feed at 1.15. I have to hold her for 30mins after a feed or she vomits. As a result the whole process is never faster drab an hour. DH gets up again at 5 and comes into our room to use the bathroom and gets dressed. This usually wakes the baby and always me. AIBU to ask him to just stay in bed if he can't sleep at night? The sleep deprivation is slowly making me want to get a bit stabby with him.

Oh god.

DD had reflux for a while. YADNBU.

Sleep is a precious commodity.

YANBU at all. We can give you an alibi if you decide to just kill him.

The judge would totally understand, right??

Ha ha ha Vim!

OP - Congratulations on your 11wo! Sorry about the reflux and sleep deprivation.

To be honest I'm not sure there's any sleeping arrangement that's perfect at this stage. But yes, I think if the current arrangement isn't working for you (all), then definitely chat to him. Can he at least lay his clothes etc out in the other room, so that he's not faffing around getting dressed in your room at 5am?

On a side-note, having recently returned to work after maternity leave, I'd like to debunk the myth that fathers need more sleep because they have to work the next day. Totally depends on your baby / your job I guess, but I have to concentrate pretty hard at my job and it's still much less exhausting than looking after my (busy busy) baby all day. Plus I can do relaxing things whenever I want, like drink a cup of tea while it's hot, and go the loo by myself an' all 😂 Some men don't know how lucky they've got it.

Anyway, I mainly just wanted to commiserate, as we've just come back from an overseas trip and the baby is jet-lagged - keeps waking up around midnight for about 4 hours. Not looking forward to my alarm going off at 6am 😬

Why did he use the bathroom in YOUR bedroom??? Of course you're not unreasonable to ask him to stay in bed if he can't sleep. If it's a regular thing, he should make sure he has a lamp, some books or a device and even a flask of tea or a cold drink.

Reflux is awful! The constant crying is enough to push anyone to the edge even without the sleep deprivation. DH definitely needs to stay put and not disturb you. YADNBU!

Thanks everyone. May murder him today, woke me at 11.30 the only 3 hour run the baby did, then the baby woke every hour last night. He was in my room at 5.30am, the baby was beginning to stir but that woke her! Feeling very grumpy towards him today!! He moans he has to go to work - id swap him every day quite happily right now!

YANBU. Reflux is the worst

Why is he coming into your room? He needs to take his clothes and toiletries Into the spare room so he has no need to wake either of you up.

Yanbu. Definitely not.

My dp knows the rule is 'if you wake him you take him'.

Ds is 3.5 now so we are past the sleepless nights. But he is ill atm so in with me. Dp got everything he needed ready last niggt and left them in the hallway downstairs so he didn't wake him.

Is your dp helping with nights when he isnt up for work? Even if you are bfing he can let you feed him then do the holding upright bit while you go back to sleep. Are you sharing the lie ins? Or are you doing it all?

Don't let him use the fact that he is the man and 'out at work while you stay home' excuse him his parental responsibility. Fair enough to prioritise his sleep if he is doing a job that involves driving or operations or machinery. But if he works in a call centre or an office or something he needs to step up. And there is no excuse when he isnt up for work for him to not share the work.

He needs to leave his clothes in the spare room and use the other bathroom. It really pisses me off that the DH gets dressed in our bedroom (2 spares!) when he gets up at 5.30 and I don't have a new baby!

YANBU!

Mine had reflux and DH slept in the spare room on work nights (high stress job and commute). But he was very careful not to disturb us. He kept his clothes, toothbrush etc downstairs and walked on tiptoe.

My DH also slept in the spare room because he needed his sleep for work etc. He had to take all his clothes etc. out of our room as well, because I couldn't be doing with being woken at that hour! If the only bathroom is in your room, or through it, then maybe YOU should go to the spare room so that he can get to the bathroom without going through the room in which you're sleeping; this would drive me batty in an ongoing situation.

God u r not bu. I would have banshee screamed at him if he had come in bedroom and woke baby up - can't believe he's being such an inconsiderate ass.

Get yourself to bed at 8ish and hand baby to dh then he gives feed before settling baby into bed at 11 then u do next feed. Y need to tag tam.at least every other night

Seriously, why is he getting ready in the bedroom? My DH leaves for work at 5 and has his clothes laid out in the spare room. He manages to not wake up the whole bloody house. Is the only shower in the ensuite? Could he shower the night before then have a quick sink wash elsewhere before leaving? Or is he, in fact, a selfish prick who doesn't give a shit that you're on your knees with tiredness?

Reflux is terrible and sleep deprivation sends you bat shit craycray.
Apoligies if this is advice you have had before but are you using baby Gaviscon and have you tried putting a wedge pillow behind baby to prop her up a bit?

He needs to be much more considerate.
Tell him to get all his clothes ready the night before, that he uses the main bathroom and to creep up the bloody stairs when he goes to bed!

I always say this on reflux threads but...have you had baby checked for tongue tie? (By an infant feeding HV/Specialist/lactation consultant) We thought DS had reflux, it was a posterior tongue tie, once snipped, different baby! Have you got any medication for baby? We were prescribed omezaprole and it did improve things. (Gaviscon just made him constipated and grumpy!)

In other news, if you need help moving the body, I'm in! I chucked dh out to the spare room and had ds in with me. Moses basket and co-sleeping. The rule was 'if the door is shut, fuck off'. No popping your head round to see what's going on etc. He had to get his clothes etc out before the bedtime.

(It does get better) and CONGRATULATIONS on your beautiful baby

Thanks for the lovely responses everyone! I'm glad it's not just me being a bit unreasonable!! DH doesn't do any night stuff as he has a stressful job where if he makes a mistake it can literally cripple the company finances - that's fine I don't mind that. At the weekend he will try and do night times but baby won't settle with him. She won't take a bottle properly from him and won't go back to sleep. She had a tongue tie that was cut at 6 weeks, and we have her cot all tilted up. She's on omeprazole and nutramigen formula!

Stressful job or not he needs to be more considerate. Sleep deprivation is crippling. Talk to him about what he must do to help you stay asleep and fingers crossed things improve a little.

Have you tried dentinox colic drops or coleif? After dentinox colic drops DD was a different baby! Coleif works wonders as well xx

Ah OP, I can completely sympathise. DS had reflux, and had to be held up for at least half an hour after a feed or he'd be sick. Made worse by the fact he drank so so slow. I was walking around in a daze for a months, and even walked into the road of incoming traffic (completely by accident - I thought the red light was green) .
Murdering DH would be a great idea, but maybe try talking to him first. At least that way you can prove in court you were being reasonable .

Some people really laying into the dad here...

I agree that he should take his clothes out of the room and use another bathroom if possible or that you should move into the spare room if that is your only bathroom.

OP there'll will be a fair few embittered divorcees along to tell you to leave his selfish arse I'm sure...

Tell him to sleep on the sofa. Seriously, we had refluxy twins and the only way we got any sleep was for one of us to be on the sofa and one in the bed. If he gets his clothes ready the night before he can get ready for work in the living room or other bathroom.

Don't be silly AtHomeDadGlos the responses have been totally appropriate.