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AIBU to be upset with my Dad?

11 replies

Pinky14 · 16/07/2017 22:30

My mum and dad moved down to live near me three years ago unfortunately a year later my mum died of cancer. Since then my dad who is a social recluse and didn't know anyone in the area has found a lady friend. The lady lived opposite him but had to move due to her getting divorced. My dad has decided that he too is moving house to follow her and going to the same village about a 25 minute drive instead of 5. He told me that the relationship is just a platonic friendship but not according to the prescription on his fridge, again I don't mind bu t why lie. I have no issue with him having a girlfriend I think it's great. What I'm upset about is his total withdrawal from my life and my children's life they are five and seven and hardly ever see their grandad and are both upset because they think he doesn't like them anymore.

My dad is 76 and his lady friend is in her early 50s she has a 13-year-old daughter and I guess I'm a bit jealous that I ring him and he's been putting up shelves in her bedroom, buying wardrobes etc with her when I'm thinking why aren't you coming to see me.

That's only part of it I'm upset at the lack of honesty. He booked a holiday for all three of them but didn't tell me till after I'd found out. We have asked him so many times to come with us on holiday. I used to invite him round for dinner at least twice a week and he says no. I used to ask him to babysit and if he didn't forget and not turn u. I would ring him to remind him and he would say 'oh I was hoping you were going to cancel'. My husband and I have no other family near us, husband is often away with work and I am on my own a lot. I go and see him but he never comes round, or helps. He is a spritely 76 and young for his age and there is a massive gap where my mum should be that I thought maybe he would try and fill a little bit but he has withdrawn totally.

He's been inadvertently hurtful in other ways. I was supposed to get all my mum's belongings and I've ended up with a box of pots and pans and her wedding ring as he's taken everything to a charity shop. I wanted to make my children little keepsake cushions out of some of her clothes but by the time I found out he'd got rid of them it was too late. I just got on with it and put it down to his way of dealing with her death. Recently as he's moving house he's been getting rid of other stuff and I was really (probably irrationally upset) to find out he had donated her bike to a charity shop on Thursday. I texted him back to find out where and he said it had already been sold and made a joke about if he'd known it would sell that quickly he would have advertised it himself. On Friday night I woke up at 1.30am and was so upset and angry I couldn't get back to sleep.

The othe trouble is as he is making profit from the house my mum put a clause on her will. He spends money like water and has already gone through their not inconsiderable savings already. My mum knew what he was like and put her half into a trust. She adjusted her will three days before she died and it isn't as she told me and my dad. My dad knows this and I know this in our heart of hearts but because he will end up with more money he is saying to me 'well that is what she signed' so we have to accept it. I've told him I'll contest it but I don't think he's bothered and in reality I can't afford to.

Sorry for ranting but the bottom line is he has no clue as to how upset I am over all this. I keep my emotions to myself and berate myself for being selfish and too sensitive. What should I do? I can't talk to him as I find it too emotional, should I say nothing and stew in my own mess while he remains oblivious or should I write him a letter? He is due to exchange on his house tomorrow so should I just leave it?

Thanks for reading this long post.


OP posts:

LindyHemming · 16/07/2017 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinky14 · 16/07/2017 23:04

Thank you, unfortunately I think it will be the latter which is incredibly sad.

OP posts:

lasttimeround · 17/07/2017 07:14

This is sadly not unusual. But it's really hard. I'm not entirely clear on the will situation and have no great advice.
My dad did the same to us. At some point I got over it.


Pinky14 · 17/07/2017 07:33

Last time round what's your relationship with your dad like now?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 17/07/2017 07:38

Why would you contest the will when your mother made the alteration?


Pinky14 · 17/07/2017 14:03

Ellisandra because she told me on numerous occasions she wanted it a certain way. She changed her will three days before she died, she was on a morphine pump and changed the will via phone calls to a solicitor in Yorkshire (she was living in Wiltshire). The reason she changed it was she didn't want my dad to sell the house and spend any cash he got from it (he's got a penchant for cars he's been through 7 in two years) as he spends money like water. I just feel she changed the will in a rush and while I know why she updated one part of it the other part doesn't reflect what she has always told me (even before she was ill).

Anyway I can't contest it, I can't afford it and I think I just have to get on with it. I just thought that there is what is on her will and there is what we both know she wanted. I thought maybe 'doing the right thing' might prevail.

OP posts:

lasttimeround · 19/07/2017 21:26

Relationship with my father stands at distant. Maybe it always was like that znd it took my mother not being around to notice it. I meant I got over the pain of it and the feeling that something in that vast inheritance was 'mine'. It isn't but I did nick my mother's old teapot which helps.


StillDrivingMeBonkers · 19/07/2017 21:35

There's a very old saying about bereavement of a spouse - "Men marry, women weep". As much as it will upset the right on equity crew, older men seem to like having a partner, women on the other hand are much more self sufficient. Men do tend to hook up very quickly with new lady friend.

Harshly, you going on about money and wills is going to drive him further away from you.

My dad remarried within 4 months, after 43 years of being married to my mother. Actually I wasn't unduly upset as they were old school friends and she gave him 6 very happy years and took a great burden of care from my shoulders. Of course she inherited everything, and rightly so, a man should provide for his wife. My step sister, step niece and myself get equal thirds of any estate remaining. But yes, my mother would have been livid, that wasn't the original intention when they made mirror wills.


User02 · 19/07/2017 22:02

It could be an idea to try to find a solicitor who gives the first 20 or 30 minutes free. Given that you late mum was so very ill and on such a strong medication and probably in a very emotional state knowing she would soon be leaving you all, I am not sure that she would be in a suitably fit state of mind to alter a Will. A solicitor has to be sure that a client is alert and able to understand the implications of the will changes. If a solicitor decides there is questionable situations going on they could claim there fee from the solicitor who rewrote the will or the solicitor involved in winding up the estate or even the solicitor who is dealing with the sale of the house. You could also speak about your dad's irresponsibility with money. Presumably you saw your late mum in her final days. Was she in your opinion sufficiently alert and aware to make such a decision. This would be a vital point. I think it is worth a discussion with a solicitor.


Pinky14 · 07/08/2017 20:02

Stilldrivingmebonkers I don't talk about the will or any of this to him. I find it too emotional and am worried if I did it would all come gushing out in a harsh torrent rather than a measured reasonable discussion! (That's because I am an emotional fuckwit).

He has now moved into the house, given more of my mothers furniture away even though I've asked him not to. To his new girlfriend of course...

The new house is also devoid of anything to do with my mum. He has one photo of her, me, him and my half sister in his bedroom. The other photos of her have been got rid of or are hidden in his drinks cabinet, even though all the rest are out. I'm struggling with this as I find it really disloyal. I don't want to visit because it gets me upset (internally of course) every time.

OP posts:

Nubbled · 07/08/2017 20:13

What do you think will happen when he spends all the money from the house? Will his lady friend support him? Or will he turn up at your door?

I'm sorry for your loss.

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