AIBU to uninvite my mom to the birth of my baby?
Amd724 · 16/07/2017 22:09
As the title suggests. The reason I am thinking of uninviting her is because of the level of disrespect she shows my sisters, brother, and SIL to be. My brother and SIL had a child last December. My mom has seen him twice. We live in the US, they live about 600 miles apart. But she's been over four times to visit me in the UK, about 4000 miles from where she is. It's a cheap, quick flight to where they live. To visit me she must connect and spend five times the amount she'd spend to go to my brothers home.My SIL to be is so gracious to invite her over, but she never comes. She missed her grandsons birthday, whereas my estranged father made it. He drove 13 hours straight with my uncle to be there. Every single opportunity for her to visit her grandson, she has to work, or has things she says she needs to do. But she'll call me to talk to me the entire day. Meaning, she didn't need to work.
My sister is going through IVF and my mom has been inconsiderate, nasty, and just plain rude. Saying very unkind things to her, like there's never been a problem in our family before, are you sure you've been trying hard enough (!!!!), maybe its just not meant to be. I became pregnant in February, and she calls me to say that she wants to help me out with the nursery, she wants to buy the furniture and stuff. But she doesn't show the same level of support to my sister and my brother and sister in law. My sister adopted her husbands daughter from a previous marriage. My mom refuses to be called grandmother by her, and explicitly said she doesn't consider my niece to be her grandchild.
This weekend everyone but me and my brother were at my sisters home for a visit. My nephew and niece were there, my sisters, and my SIL to be. Everything was going fine, until my mom completely disappeared at a play area they went to have my nephew play. She was outside talking to her boyfriend (who is married). They asked her to come in and spend some time playing with her grandson, who doesn't recognise her. She refused. She sat in the car with the A/C on for three hours, and messaged them often asking when they were ready to leave. Then she went upstairs and said she needed to work for the rest of the evening. She wasn't working, her work laptop was downstairs. She was on the phone with her boyfriend. They all ordered a pizza for dinner, my SIL to be called her down for food twice and she didn't come down. Everyone ate without her, and finally she came down and yelled at them for not calling her down.
I'm sorry this is becoming a long post, but there's just so much here. My brother and SIL to be are getting married in October. I cannot go as I'll be 34 weeks and my midwife won't give me clearance to fly (blood clot risk in the family), but my husband is going as he's in the wedding. Otherwise I'm having a healthy pregnancy, but my MIL is coming up from London to stay with me for the week he'll be gone, just in case. Today, my SIL asked my mom if she was coming to the bridal shower as my mom hadn't RSVPed or responded to any phone calls or texts about it. The baby shower is next weekend, by the way. My mom said no because she needed to work. My sister said, mom the bridal shower is on a Sunday, could you just work on the Saturday and come to your future daughter in laws bridal shower. My mom blew up at my sister, and ran upstairs and refused to come out for a few hours. My SIL to be messaged my brother and said, your mom won't be coming because she said she needs to work. My brother, very angrily, called my mom and said that he doesn't like how disrespectful my mom is with his future wife and his son, that she needs to be there, that he doesn't believe that she's actually working, and to stop hiding away from the rest of the family. My mom storming downstairs, and yelled at my SIL to be that although she was marrying her son, it doesn't mean my SIL can replace my mom in my brothers life, called her vile names, said that now she wasn't coming to the wedding. My sister stepped in and said stop talking to her like this, if you continue I'm going to need you to leave my home. My mom said to my sister, who is going through IVF and just had a transfer and finds out tomorrow if she's pregnant, that she doesn't want anything to do with her and her future kids. She doesn't want to know if she's pregnant on a future round. She said she hopes that the IVF doesn't work because my sister will make a shit mom. My sister said, I'm going to need you to leave my home and never come back. My SIL is crying at this point. My other sister herded my mom to her car, put her stuff in the back, and my mom left.
I'm so sorry this is so long, but do you think I'm justified in saying that I don't want such a nasty and disrespectful person around me at one of the most joyful times of my life? She's already insisted that she's in the delivery room with me, even if it means my HUSBAND cannot be there. She's very controlling, and already said she expects to be taken care of when she's here for three weeks when my baby is born. She's promised my brother to pay for aspects of the wedding, and now she's refusing so me and my sisters are covering it for them. They would have needed to cancel the wedding otherwise. AIBU to be so very angry with how she treats my siblings and their partners and children? She doesn't treat me like this, and I feel like if I made a stand, she'd notice. Thank you for reading. BTW, she's always been controlling and rude, but when we were teenagers we dealt with it. Now that we're older, we've stopped dealing with it.
GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 22:30
You haven't invited her though have you? Your husband has that spot and he's not given it up!! Tell her No and laugh at the hint of suggestion!
Let things calm down a bit - I think you need to step back and concentrate on the baby without getting involved in this argument
Than make a decision
She doesn't sound very nice
squishysquirmy · 16/07/2017 22:31
YANBU, she sounds awful and not the kind of person you want staying in your home when you are in a vulnerable state and trying to bond with your new baby.
Your poor siblings- at least you're thousands of miles away from all that drama! It is good that you have the self awareness and objectivity to notice that she treats your siblings so much worse than you - often it is quite hard for the "golden child" in a family to accept this. Its terrible for everyone when a parent treats children so differently, as their behavior can encourage the less favoured offspring to resent the favoured one, which is completely unfair but happens a lot. It sounds from your post that you still have a good relationship with your siblings - I hope this is the case.
She doesn't sound very reliable either, so you could end up making plans around her visiting and then she could let you down at the last minute anyway.
ginswinger · 16/07/2017 22:37
Goodness no! My mother was in the delivery room with me and was so useless, it became stressful for me. She got stroppy with me when I asked for a lip balm (asking why I couldn't get it myself, 12 hours into labour), dropped a can of gas and air on my foot and refused to stop using her mobile phone as I laboured with hypnobirthing. Eventually I asked her to leave after she had a faff about parking meter money, asking me to find change for her as I was hooked up to a drip with an epidural in my back, exhausted having laboured for two days. My BFF had a massive row with her in the corridor and they haven't spoken since.
Convinced yet? Just don't do it!
BigSunglasses00 · 16/07/2017 22:41
YANBU. Other than the principle involved, she sounds really unhinged, and I'd imagine there's a strong possibility that she'd lose the plot about something and make the experience stressful, rather than wonderful for you. I wouldn't have her at the birth or over staying with you.
Amd724 · 16/07/2017 23:13
Thank you all. So I'm not crazy. My husband said to let it calm down, and maybe wait a few days but he'd support me if I didn't want her to come. His parents are coming and have offered to stay in a hotel as they don't want to impose while we're trying to sort ourselves out. I just wish she'd be supportive rather than controlling and nasty.
I'm reluctant to push her out of my life completely, because she is my mother, she and my dad went through a tough divorce and I'd feel awful if I didn't speak to both of my parents regularly. I rarely speak to my father. It is easier as I live abroad to distance myself.
Amd724 · 16/07/2017 23:21
Fanny, I did. She thought I was lying, and called up the hospital/maternity unit to check on whether it's only allowed one or two people in the room. They said, its usually only one where I live due to room and stress. As well, they said there's no waiting room available. In the US, hospitals have a large delivery rooms and waiting rooms for the family to wait. I said, there's no point in you being here for hours, just stay at my house until the baby is born.
A part of me thinks she's being this controlling because then she can tell people she was at the birth, and that she's a great grandmother and is highly involved in her granddaughters life. While she's ignoring her two grandchildren. She doesn't even send her grandchildren gifts for their birthdays or Christmas. I'm so livid.
justilou · 16/07/2017 23:28
You don't want her and her mind games affecting you and your relationships with your children and your husband, let alone your siblings and their families.
Your mother doesn't do "normal" relationships, does she? She has a boyfriend who is married and keeps her options open in case she can be with or text him. This is not someone you can rely on, or whose moral compass is any kind of example for your kids.
I'd tell her a much later due date and different hospital just to keep her the fuck away.
(BTW - this is what I did with my mother)
Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/07/2017 23:42
What you need to ask yourself is do you want your child to grow up around someone this evil? I say evil because nobody with any shred of compassion or decency speaks to or treats their children like she does. She sounds utterly horrible, dump her and surround yourselves with your siblings and your own little family, you'll feel better for it, people like your mother suck the positivity and joy out of everyone's lives
altiara · 17/07/2017 00:08
She does sound awful and the more you write, the worse it gets. How dare she call the hospital to see if you were lying! And wanting to be waited on for 3 weeks after you've given birth-wtaf?!
And that's not even going into what's she's said to your siblings. That's too awful to even repeat.
You want her to be supportive, but it sounds like she NEVER has been, do you honestly think she will change? And go you want someone like this around your baby.
You sound like you have a great relationship with your siblings- don't ruin it by keeping this awful woman in your life for a minute longer.
Good luck to your sister and you both sound amazing for helping your brother /Sil to be out.
ExplodedCloud · 17/07/2017 00:47
Don't facilitate her nonsense. She has some serious issues and you need to get your boundaries shored up. Your ILs sound like lovely respectful people that you should embrace and use as your guideline.
You're about to have a game changing moment when you move from child to parent. IME that either makes you feel awful for the things you put your parents through (because you get it) or you suddenly realise that your parents didn't feel like you feel and wonder wtf?
Keep her away as much as you can. Grandparenting shouldn't be an exercise in glory.
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