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AIBU to uninvite my mom to the birth of my baby?

39 replies

Amd724 · 16/07/2017 22:09

As the title suggests. The reason I am thinking of uninviting her is because of the level of disrespect she shows my sisters, brother, and SIL to be. My brother and SIL had a child last December. My mom has seen him twice. We live in the US, they live about 600 miles apart. But she's been over four times to visit me in the UK, about 4000 miles from where she is. It's a cheap, quick flight to where they live. To visit me she must connect and spend five times the amount she'd spend to go to my brothers home.My SIL to be is so gracious to invite her over, but she never comes. She missed her grandsons birthday, whereas my estranged father made it. He drove 13 hours straight with my uncle to be there. Every single opportunity for her to visit her grandson, she has to work, or has things she says she needs to do. But she'll call me to talk to me the entire day. Meaning, she didn't need to work.

My sister is going through IVF and my mom has been inconsiderate, nasty, and just plain rude. Saying very unkind things to her, like there's never been a problem in our family before, are you sure you've been trying hard enough (!!!!), maybe its just not meant to be. I became pregnant in February, and she calls me to say that she wants to help me out with the nursery, she wants to buy the furniture and stuff. But she doesn't show the same level of support to my sister and my brother and sister in law. My sister adopted her husbands daughter from a previous marriage. My mom refuses to be called grandmother by her, and explicitly said she doesn't consider my niece to be her grandchild.

This weekend everyone but me and my brother were at my sisters home for a visit. My nephew and niece were there, my sisters, and my SIL to be. Everything was going fine, until my mom completely disappeared at a play area they went to have my nephew play. She was outside talking to her boyfriend (who is married). They asked her to come in and spend some time playing with her grandson, who doesn't recognise her. She refused. She sat in the car with the A/C on for three hours, and messaged them often asking when they were ready to leave. Then she went upstairs and said she needed to work for the rest of the evening. She wasn't working, her work laptop was downstairs. She was on the phone with her boyfriend. They all ordered a pizza for dinner, my SIL to be called her down for food twice and she didn't come down. Everyone ate without her, and finally she came down and yelled at them for not calling her down.

I'm sorry this is becoming a long post, but there's just so much here. My brother and SIL to be are getting married in October. I cannot go as I'll be 34 weeks and my midwife won't give me clearance to fly (blood clot risk in the family), but my husband is going as he's in the wedding. Otherwise I'm having a healthy pregnancy, but my MIL is coming up from London to stay with me for the week he'll be gone, just in case. Today, my SIL asked my mom if she was coming to the bridal shower as my mom hadn't RSVPed or responded to any phone calls or texts about it. The baby shower is next weekend, by the way. My mom said no because she needed to work. My sister said, mom the bridal shower is on a Sunday, could you just work on the Saturday and come to your future daughter in laws bridal shower. My mom blew up at my sister, and ran upstairs and refused to come out for a few hours. My SIL to be messaged my brother and said, your mom won't be coming because she said she needs to work. My brother, very angrily, called my mom and said that he doesn't like how disrespectful my mom is with his future wife and his son, that she needs to be there, that he doesn't believe that she's actually working, and to stop hiding away from the rest of the family. My mom storming downstairs, and yelled at my SIL to be that although she was marrying her son, it doesn't mean my SIL can replace my mom in my brothers life, called her vile names, said that now she wasn't coming to the wedding. My sister stepped in and said stop talking to her like this, if you continue I'm going to need you to leave my home. My mom said to my sister, who is going through IVF and just had a transfer and finds out tomorrow if she's pregnant, that she doesn't want anything to do with her and her future kids. She doesn't want to know if she's pregnant on a future round. She said she hopes that the IVF doesn't work because my sister will make a shit mom. My sister said, I'm going to need you to leave my home and never come back. My SIL is crying at this point. My other sister herded my mom to her car, put her stuff in the back, and my mom left.

I'm so sorry this is so long, but do you think I'm justified in saying that I don't want such a nasty and disrespectful person around me at one of the most joyful times of my life? She's already insisted that she's in the delivery room with me, even if it means my HUSBAND cannot be there. She's very controlling, and already said she expects to be taken care of when she's here for three weeks when my baby is born. She's promised my brother to pay for aspects of the wedding, and now she's refusing so me and my sisters are covering it for them. They would have needed to cancel the wedding otherwise. AIBU to be so very angry with how she treats my siblings and their partners and children? She doesn't treat me like this, and I feel like if I made a stand, she'd notice. Thank you for reading. BTW, she's always been controlling and rude, but when we were teenagers we dealt with it. Now that we're older, we've stopped dealing with it.

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 17/07/2017 05:22

I can't imagine having to come home from hospital with my newborn and having to deal with the issues she will create.

Cancel her trip now!

Framboise18 · 17/07/2017 05:32

Op I think your mother has some deep psychological issues and could be suffering from a mental illness..I would investigate to see if she has.

Tofutti · 17/07/2017 05:46

Isn't the bridal shower for the bride's family and friends? Why does your mum have to go?

There seems to be some forcing of mum to be places she doesn't want to be. Could she be depressed?

The bridal shower (bro says she HAS to be there)
Not travelling 600 miles for a birthday party
Telling her to come to a play area

I think it's better to have fewer expectations from her so that she doesn't disappoint people.

Tofutti · 17/07/2017 05:50

Please don't withdraw from your mum. Set clear boundaries and don't allow her to encroach (like the delivery room or expecting to be waited on hand and foot) but don't cut her out. There may be a reason why she only feels comfortable with you.

KC225 · 17/07/2017 06:11

Gosh, she does sound difficult. Was she like that growing up? Is there a reason she favours you? Is she one of those 'a son is a son till he gets a wife, but a daughter is yours for the rest of your life'? But that doesn't explain how she behaved towards your sister.

The things she said to your sister were just awful. Does she ever apologise or take any responsibility for her actions? He behaviour with regards to the wedding is very odd. The reusing to pay for things she had agreed to and now threatening not to go. Is there something else going on? Could alcohol/drugs be an issue? Could she be having a break down or depressive episode?

I think you are right to postpone her visit. You do not need that added stress with a new baby. When you have established a routine, and have established your own footing as a new mum them you can invite her for a short visit. Perhaps you can ask what is yhe reason behind her recent actions. Good luck OP

SouthWindsWesterly · 17/07/2017 06:39

If you let her dictate your birth plans at the cost to your husband, then you are opening a can of bat shit crazy that will keep erupting for years. She's a narc. Trying to control your siblings and even you from afar. Do you think the relationship between herself and your siblings can be repaired? If the answer is no, then definitely tell her to bog off as all her craziness will be directed at you.

Plus tell the hospital that only your husband is allowed in with you. They'll keep her out

llangennith · 17/07/2017 07:08

YANBU. She's never going to change and be the mother you need and want. Stop hoping! Accept she is how she is and distance yourself from her.
Hope all goes wellFlowers

Rhubarbtart9 · 17/07/2017 07:15

Try and talk some sense into her after a few days have passed yes. Challenge her about the things she said - particularly the ivf comments.

However long term you and your siblings need to distance yourselves from her emotionally and physically. She's clearly very selfish and very nasty.

ScruffbagsRUs · 17/07/2017 07:33

She may have given birth to you and your siblings, but that doesn't give her the right to treat any of you, or your families, like shit. You may not be able to choose your family, but you can certainly choose whether you have anything to do with them. The best way to find out who respects you, is to treat others as they treat you.

I cut my mum out for not making an effort with my own DC (I didn't care about the effort with DH and I), yet she would regularly go to my brother's houses and fawn over their DC/stepDC. She made no effort to even call and ask how our DC were, and that was over a year ago now, so even my DC have decided that they're going to make the same effort that my mum is making with them (sweet FA).

OP, maybe you should start cutting out the people who bring nothing to your life. If they bring nothing but drama, nastiness and are disrespectful, then ditch them.

As Sweet Brown says "Ain't nobody got time for that" Smile

Amd724 · 17/07/2017 08:08

A few points, in our culture, we invite both sides of the family to the bridal shower. Especially for my brother and sister in law to be. They've been together 7 years, almost, and both sides of the family are rarely together. My brother goes to hers for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and each year he invites my mom and siblings, but my mom never goes. She refuses to be around them. I think he finds it really hurtful, especially because my dad has managed to go down multiple times, even though we don't have an amazing relationship either. My sister is a bridesmaid, and is going, so my brother and SIL wanted some of the family there to meet and speak to my SIL's family. They had a co-ed baby shower, which worked really well because both families, male or female, were able to meet and talk. But that was two years ago. It's very important to my brother that my mom shows up because she never shows up to anything if my SILs family is involved. My mom liked his previous girlfriend, because she liked her family. Her family was wealthy and more like us, urban, liberal, etc. My SILs family are country, conservative, and we don't have much in common, to be honest. But I think she believes my family is above my SILs family, and thus refuses to interact.

Second, I'm quite certain its not drugs or alcohol, she's a manager accountant at a big non-profit in the US, and she's drug tested because of the type of work she does. It's part of her security clearance.

Third, me and my siblings are certain that she only speaks to me because she likes my husband and his family. She sees my husbands family as her equals. She's never liked my brother's future wife, and she thinks my sister is too good for her husband. When my future SIL got pregnant, my mom said that she was trapping her son, and told my brother to leave her because he couldn't trust her. She essentially told my brother to abandon his son. My brother was appalled, and 3 months after she gave birth, he proposed instead. So she refuses to interact with their families and can be downright nasty. But she comes over here often, speaks to my MIL each week, and calls to speak to my husband to see how he is. My sister's husband lost his grandmother a few years ago, and my mom was just plain rude to him. His grandmother was his closest relative, as he doesn't like his mother very much (lots to that story as well). He was devastated, as was my sister, but my mother couldn't show any empathy. She turned on me briefly when I told her after completing a tough PhD in Economics that I wanted to teach secondary maths and economics, rather than go work for a University. Apparently that was beneath her, because then she couldn't brag that her daughter works for a University. I would have been very proud of my daughter who wanted to teach, especially in this environment. My MIL, who taught for 30 years, was very pleased and helped me with applications. I ended up taking an academic job instead, but mostly because it provided more flexibility and they sponsored my work visa, so my husband and I didn't need to splash out for a £2000 spouse visa.

She's been like this since I can remember. I'm certain she never wanted children, and she resented us when she married my father. She was extremely controlling about where we'd go and who we'd see. She never liked spending time with my dad's family, she thought that she was too good for them. My dad cheated on her the entire relationship and left her for another women after 25 years of marriage. My brother was 18, but still at home because he was about to complete high school and go to University. She attended therapy, but we think she needs to go back because she's just plain nasty now.

I want to uninvite her to come over from the US for the birth completely. Forget allowing her to be in the room, I don't want her in my home if she's going to be rude, difficult, and unhelpful. I don't want her "help" with the nursery furniture, my husband and I are more than capable of buying it ourselves. In fact, we've already bought the cot because it was on sale.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 17/07/2017 08:18

"Mum, I'm really upset about all of the drama in our family at the moment, all of which seems to stem from you and your relationships with DB, DS, DSIL etc. From what I've heard, you owe All of them a big apology. DH and I have decided it's best if you don't visit for the birth, but let things settle down amongst the family and then visit when things are calmer. We can still chat, well Skype as soon after the bit as poss etc. But we want a calm and peaceful environment for the baby's first few weeks.
Think again about how you are treating each member of the family. I'm sure you don't want to lose contact with anyone.
Love you.

Borangesandlemons · 17/07/2017 08:30

I actually think the very best thing you could do is cut her out for a while and see if it shocks her into being a decent human being. If you told her that you can't be around her right now because of the way she's treated your siblings it might make a difference. If it doesn't you've still got some space from her. You've seen her true colours come out in the way she treats your siblings. You don't need this level of manipulation and control around you when you are vulnerable.

You are obviously the golden child so you distancing yourself, even if just for a while, will have more of an impact than anyone else doing it.

You can refuse her in your house and you can decide not to tell you her you are in labour. It seems that she cares about her married boyfriend more than anyone else so let her go to him. Someone who can be so spiteful to her own kids doesn't really care about anyone. The poison will just come out in other ways with you. She will spend her time slowly manipulating you and making your life hell in very subtle ways. Just say no and see how it feels. You can always tentatively reinstate contact later but right now it sounds like you all need a break from her. You stepping back as well shows massive solidarity to your siblings. If I was your sister or brother and sil I would hugely appreciate this and do all I could to support you.

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/07/2017 08:35

Yeah I'd just ignore her until she can behave like a decent human being. What a fucking bitch! Sorry I know she's your DM but seriously the things she said were totally unforgivable, your poor DSis and SIL

ADayGivingMeHope · 17/07/2017 08:48

I agree with Gazelda's email - sent that 😊

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