To be pissed off that he's ALWAYS late

[Whichwayyisup]

My boyfriend is always late. If we make plans to meet up say, 7 at home he will turn up at least half an hour late.

Fair enough if it's for something that requires you to be on time like a movie at the cinema then he will make it on time, albeit with a few minutes to spare before the start.

But pretty much any other plans he is NEVER on time.

AIBU to think I need to LTB?

Depends how important being on time is to you. I couldn't deal with someone like that, I would feel like they didn't respect my time. How long have you been with him?

I married one of these. It was a small part of his subconscious belief that he was a tiny bit more important than everyone else and that his time was more valuable. Current DH is on time!

Have you told him it's disrespectful, annoying and you don't like it.

Just tell him to be ready at an earlier time to when you actually want him. Stops you being irritated and means he'll be on time. Problem solved. But if it really bothers you enough to LTB then hes not right for you anyway.

We've been together less than a year. I told him that it's annoying and he apologised, and said he'll get better. I guess we'll have to see.

It's just that why would I need to spell it out that it's disrespectful to be late?

I have been doing that til now Notso. Then I got cross that I needed to play games

Lateness is the ultimate arrogance! As a PP has said, the person who is always late thinks they are more important than the people waiting for them and seem to take it for granted that others will wait.

Well, fuck that!! I would LTB.

I married one of these too. I hated it. It was deliberate. He could be on time if it was important to him, otherwise he would be late. Even to school. Every.Day.
Years went by and I refused to wait for him. I viewed it as him stealing my time. It was deliberate arrogance on his part.
Leave the bastard.

My dilemma is this though.

He's only late when he is coming to see me at home. Because he views us that I have other stuff to do (correct) and so it doesn't really matter if he's not "on time" as such.

When it comes to movies, restaurant bookings etc then that's different.

I think its cultural. I don't mean the country you were born in, but to the family you were born in to.
Frankly it would drive me spare, and I split up with a boyfriend over the same issues. I felt it was incredibly rude and it just used to stress me out so much I couldn't live with it. However, for other's it's not such a big thing. There was a thread a few weeks ago on here where a poster could not grasp how rude and upsetting so many others found it, and reckoned people should just relax, whereas many others were saying how disrespectful they found it.

Oh that's interesting backforgood. I don't suppose you'd be able to link that thread so I can have a nosy by any chance

I think @BackforGood is right. I grew up in a family like that. I thought there were late people and early people and it was down to what kind of person you were. Not something you could choose or change for yourself. I always stayed silent when "early people" talked about how rude and arrogant it was and how late people thought they were better than everyone else. It wasn't true for me, i always felt bad, but I just didn't know how not to be late.

It wasn't that I could make stuff that was important to me either. I missed the start of movies. I used to aim to be an hour early for important things like interviews so I could get there on time. I got a warning for constantly being late to work.

I think it was starting driving that changed me. And probably the invention of google maps around the same time. All of a sudden I didn't guess how long it would take me. The sat nav told me exactly.

Everyone says "I can't believe it's not obvious that you should look at the clock, work out how long it will take you and leave on time!" But when you grow up in a family where no one even starts looking for their keys until five minutes before they have to be there, because it's "only five minutes' drive" (when actually the drive takes 8 minutes and parking another 3), you don't learn how to do this. When your family never ever build in contingency time, or value showing up early, and when you spent your childhood sitting strapped in the car while they dashed back inside the house to do one last thing, or take out the bins or lock the windows or grab a jacket they can't immediately locate. You just think this is how it works for everybody and some people are lucky that all the tasks line up to allow them to leave on time.

I had to train myself as an adult, 5 years out from living with my family. I know it sounds stupid but 20 years of conditioning really will brainwash you into thinking punctuality is fate, not a choice. But it's a choice I make (mostly successfully) now. Still get a bit over-optimistic about that one last thing sometimes though.

Learning the exact journey times I'll need, always having my keys/jacket/bag in the same place, and allowing extra time are the things that help me.

I am/was famous for being late. Generally the time I'd agree to meet was the time that I really wanted to be there...not necessarily the time I could be there! My first flight commander used to say the just in the nick of time would do nicely... after 8 years with a German OH I'm now fixed.

My SIL & family are very often late - sometimes I really wonder what they DO! The icing on the cake though was when SIL said " I can't bear when people are late"! I had to bite my tongue!

Ha! I married one too. He left me waiting on dark street corners in winter. Cockwomble!

It was one of the many red flags (there was an entire sea of red bunting aflutter, had I only had MN in those days )

He's very X now!

I get very irritated by people turning up late. I've got myself all ready for the agreed time and then I have to sit around like a lemon twiddling my thumbs. My last 2 boyfriends were dreadful at getting "held up" and being late; they never got better and it drove me mad. With that in mind I now wouldn't date anyone who couldn't be punctual.

If it's mainly just "come over and hang out at home" that he is late for, I don't think that is so bad. If you are just doing your normal stuff at home, you aren't really waiting for him as such.

Although I agree it's annoying if he says he'll be there at 7pm say, so you make dinner and get ready and he doesn't show up until 9-10. I had a bf like that and it was pointless him even coming over on those days because it was bed time when he got there.

My partner used to always arrive early, drove me crazy.

I like to unwind and regroup after a busy day of work. Just 15 minutes to myself to sit on the couch with a glass of wine and listen to music, or whatever I felt like. So I actually started telling him to come over half an hour AFTER I would actually be ready. :-/

I get anxiety about being late. DH is late for everything. I have to lie to him about the time of events.
In his case, it is not arrogance etc that makes him late - he underestimates the time it takes to do everything. So he thinks getting shoes, collecting wallet etc and getting in the car takes a negligible, irrelevant amount of time when it actually takes 2 minutes. Then he thinks the 8 minute journey takes 5. He doesn't allow for parking or getting from the car to the place (say 3 minutes) so he is now 8 minutes late.
These things literally don't occur to him - it's so frustrating!

I think if he's late when you're 'just' going to be hanging out at home is even worse!!! That really is saying "My time is more important than yours and I don't value the time we spend together" Arrogance is so unattractive and there's no way I could have a relationship with someone like that. It might be to do with upbringing as PPs have said, but if he can't make the effort to change then, to me, that speaks volumes about his total lack of care/respect for you.

It's reasonable to be annoyed that he's late when you are home because it affects your whole evening. You're thinking 'oh, I won't start doing the laundry because DP will be here in a minute' and then two hours later you are annoyed because you could have done it. It downgrades the productivity of your time.
What if you stop picking a time and he tells you when he's on his way?
But I think he should be able to understand it if you explain it; consider it a red flag if he doesn't.

It's reasonable to be annoyed that he's late when you are home because it affects your whole evening. You're thinking 'oh, I won't start doing the laundry because DP will be here in a minute' and then two hours later you are annoyed because you could have done it

Yes, that's exactly it! When I'm waiting for someone I'm in limbo. Can''t relax and get stuck into watching something on TV, or be productive, because any moment they could arrive and interrupt. Very irritating.

My sister's boyfriend is South African. He is often very late. Once 5 hours ! he said that's the way it is in SA people are just relaxed about it.

I'd start making it inconvenient to him to be late. So if he's due a trip yours at seven and hasn't turned up or called by ten past go out and don't hurry home when he arrives and is locked out. If he's coming for dinner at yours and you plan to eat at half seven dish up, box his and freeze it and eat yours.

He'll stop doing it if you stop letting him. Give him 5 minutes then leave without him and reschedule for another day.

I find lateness incredibly rude- no respect for my time. If you explain to him how it makes you feel and he doesn't make an effort to change, I would consider how compatible we are.