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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH referring to DD as baggage.

51 replies

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 08:52

Probably being abit too sensitive but hey ho, more of a vent if anything.
Dh has a friend who has recently moved in with a woman who has 4 kids (I think dcs are aged between 3 and 10) they've only been dating a month or two. Me and DH was talking about it last night and I asked how is he going to manage going from a single man lifestyle to all of a sudden living with 4 young kids, DHs reply was "you came with baggage and Ive managed fine". We have been together 3 years married for nearly 2 and he has never used the word "baggage" before. I tried to keep it lighthearted and said well DD is only hand luggage really as there's only one of her but its been niggling at me since he said it. Is baggage just the general term for a woman who already has children? Aibu to find it really horrible and offensive?

OP posts:

Jessbow · 16/07/2017 09:24

Why be offended?
Baggage is simply something you take with you

'Baggage ' can be your past , or a specific event.
Its anything that can have an effect on new relationship.

Paninotogo · 16/07/2017 09:31

Although in the case of other people's children it probably means a burden.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 09:32

IMO baggage to me is like saying wow what a wonderful woman but look how much baggage she has. Like previous dcs are burdens or along the lines.

OP posts:

user1476869312 · 16/07/2017 09:37

Well, some people do decide that they don't want to have a relationship with someone who has DC already. That isn't necessarily wrong (if you don't like children and don't want to be a parent, it's better to walk away from dating a single parent than to persist in a relationship and end up living with DC you don't like).
And whatever individual people think of the term 'baggage' I think contexty matters a lot and this H was speaking positively.

TheVanguardSix · 16/07/2017 09:38

I came into a relationship/marriage with a child and I wouldn't be happy with DC even jokingly being referred to as baggage. Would I let it slide? Yes, because it is, as people say, a saying we tend to throw around. Your DC is the most precious person in your life. And I think when you've been through the difficulty of a break-up with your DC's father which leads into single-parenthood, you don't really want to hear the word baggage thrown around, even in a light-hearted way, by your current partner/husband. In my own experience, having a kid deterred a couple of decent guys from getting serious with me and that really hurt. So 'baggage' would make me feel a tad touchy.

It doesn't sound like you'll make a big deal out of it. And you shouldn't. I'm sure your DC has a loving, dedicated stepdad and that's the important thing to hold onto! But yeah, my heart would sink a bit too if my DH said this about our son. But in the larger scheme of things, I'd let it go. I'm sure your DH wasn't suggesting that your DC is a hindrance, even if it sort of sounded that way. I guess he was trying to say that hey, things will probably work out for his mate, even if he's taking on 4 step kids. Let's hope it does.

TotallyKerplunked · 16/07/2017 09:40

It's a horribly negative way to describe children.

My stepDF always referred to me as baggage, he always claimed it was joke, it never came across as a joke and was extremely harmful as a child and made it clear to me I was an outsider to what he considered "the family" to be.

If anyone uses that term to talk about children i'd have no respect for them and think they were a knob tbh.

SpottedGingham · 16/07/2017 09:42

It's not a phrase that I like or would ever use.

emilybrontescorset · 16/07/2017 09:49

I think it is derogatory although my friend used it about her fiancé
Saying she was glad he didn't have any baggage. I.e. Children or ex Wives.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/07/2017 09:50

Baggage is a commonly used term, but it's definitely negative. No one ever means a large house, private jet & oodles of money when they refer to 'baggage' do they!

I think it's particularly horrible when it's applied in terms of being a specific child you are close to.

I'd describe someone going into a relationship as 'having baggage' if they had 'issues' due to previous relationships or debt etc.

I would NEVER refer to their children as 'baggage, its horrible.

However, if he's usually lovely & great with her I'd assume he didn't mean it in a horrible way, but I'd tell him that it hurt & ask him not to do it again. Your DD is NOT 'baggage'.

BrokenBattleDroid · 16/07/2017 09:52

But baggage is all the things we bring from our life into a new relationship. You came with baggage; we all do. Your DD was part of that because she naturally changes the dynamic of how any new relationship plays out (as she should).

Children would put some off, and your DH is saying your that he saw your DD as lovely and not something to be scared off by.

Are you finding it upsetting because there's a possible insinuation that your DD is some awful baggage but he 'sucked it up' (or something along those lines) in order to be with you. Like some kind of medal-deserving favour that lesser men might not have looked twice at? That attitude certainly is out there it doesn't sound like he meant it like that.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 09:56

Yes Im definitely not going to make a big deal from it, hes never used the term before and as PPs have said it is just a saying but it did hurt abit a lot
That sounds horrible kerplunked cant imagine how that affected you as a child thankfully DD was already in bed when we had this discussion and Im not sure she is old enough to fully understand. I still wouldnt want her hearing it in the future though.

OP posts:

slkk · 16/07/2017 10:03

Just tell him you don't like the term, he'll probably tell you he was being lighthearted but won't use it again. It will be fine. My dh refers to his dc as luggages (English not first language) in a jokey way. I don't think it has to be a big deal.

MrsJoyOdell · 16/07/2017 10:05

My DM actually called me A baggage when I was a kid I agree with PPs it's just a term.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 10:07

Annie Ill have that kind of baggage any day!!
He has never used the term before and stuck fingers up at his family when they weren't happy about me having a dc and has defended us and his right to marry me from day one but it didnt make hearing him call her baggage any nicer.
Broken the "sucked it up" comment does apply a little bit, not outwardly from him but I definitely feel hes been given alot of crap over it and probably questions his decision regarding me some times but thats only my gut feeling.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 16/07/2017 10:10

Yabu not to see the similarities between your situation and your dh's friend's situation. Both men have entered relationships with women who require them to establish relationships with other people if they want the relationship they are actively seeking to succeed. I presume your dh wanted a relationship with you, initially, not your dd?! Of course your dd was baggage at the start of the relationship. If your dh had not been able to establish a relationship with your dd aswell, his relationship with you would have ended, because of the "baggage" you came along with. If you hadn't already had a dd, that would have been one less complication in the relationship, as there would have been one less person to build a long term relationship with. I find it very odd you understand that concept with respect to this friend, but not about yourself. If I were the friend, I'd find your opinions as offensive as you find your dh's comment, tbh.

Nanna50 · 16/07/2017 10:19

It is common term used to describe anything you bring to a relationship, particularly a second one. I think your reply that your DD is only hand luggage was a very witty one actually. Put it into perspective and don't overthink it.

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2017 10:29

OP, I would let it go but if he says it again say "DH, referring to my DC as baggage hurts me, please don't say it again." If he does then LTB obvs.

Even my cat isn't baggage.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 10:41

The situations are totally different, round. Dh has always wanted to settle down and have a family where as his friend is very, Hugh Hefner-eqsue which is why I found it odd.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 16/07/2017 10:54

Maybe he thinks this partner won't be putting pressure on him to have his own children with her, because she has four already. Clearly he likes her enough to try out living with her plus four children. I'm sure he'll be moving out again pretty sharpish if he decides he can't cope. If he were that enamoured of his bachelor, childfree lifestyle, he wouldn't be moving in with her.

Groupie123 · 16/07/2017 11:36

Could he have been chastising you for being judgemental? You mentioning him moving in with a woman with 4 kids sounds a bit bitchy tbh especially considering you had a dc when you met your DH.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 16/07/2017 11:51

Baggage is just all the stuff you take with you into a new relationship, so yes, that includes children.

It's nothing to get offended about.

phoenixtherabbit · 16/07/2017 11:52

I've said It about ss before but I've never meant it in a mean way.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 12:45

Not really judgmental DH has the same views on his lifestyle as I do and we are completely open with the friend - he also knows hes got a problem but refuses to do anything about it. I didnt put the question to DH to be offensive and he would know that, he already explained to his friend before he moved in with the woman to sort himself out and not to rush anything. Last night was the night we found out he had officially moved in so it was already the topic of conversation not just a out the blue bitch fest.

OP posts:

abilockhart · 16/07/2017 12:46

I asked how is he going to manage going from a single man lifestyle to all of a sudden living with 4 young kids

Your concern at the haste in which your DH's friend is moving it with his new girlfriend is understandable.

However, if you feel offended by the term 'baggage' maybe you need to be a little less negative about the fact that this friend moving in with a girlfriend with four young kids. I'm sure her DCs are every bit as precious to her as your DD is to you.

Your negativity is possibly reminiscent of the reaction your DH received when he moved in with you and your DD.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 16/07/2017 12:47

*an

OP posts:

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