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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's not that into me?

37 replies

Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 02:16

If he's not actually asking me out?

Background: we are very close friends, and both single. We probably do something one on one about once a week due to overlapping interests and mutual friends, and chat online most days (initiated by both equally), and have one of those friendships where we both laugh and can be serious and provide a lot of mutual support for each other when things are tough. He's very nice and concerned about my well being etc and mine his, and has said I'm one of his closest friends. Most of the times we see each other are fairly low key lunches and coffees and the like, the only time that has felt over and above normal friendship was an evening out about 6 weeks ago that he initiated but hasn't been repeated again. We spend a day together last weekend as well which was nice and fun but nothing above and beyond a close and comfortable friendship. We don't flirt but do have the sorts of conversations that I have never had before with someone I have not been in a relationship with.

I am interested in views as don't want to bring it up and make a tit of myself if there is no intention on his part of ever being more than friends. I want to know though so I can understand the parameters around the friendship.

Arrgh!

OP posts:
Whichwayyisup · 16/07/2017 02:51

What happened on the night out that he initiated? Did you flirt?

Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 03:02

No, but we talked for hours about some really intimate things (exes, previous partners, views on dtd in general terms) Hugged afterward but nothing else

OP posts:
Whichwayyisup · 16/07/2017 03:16

Tricky.
Those intimate things are the kind of things you talk about to close friends. Which you say you are.

If you didn't flirt in the "date", is it possible he thought you weren't interested?

Cantspell2 · 16/07/2017 03:21

Looks like he just sees you as a good friend and has no romantic interest in you.

toastandbutterandjam · 16/07/2017 03:26

I had two male friends. We'll call them A and B.
Me and A were very close. Pretty much exactly as you describe. It felt like slightly more than a friendship, but he said he was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to end it. I soon found out that he really liked me and because I didn't initiate anything (I didn't know!), he assumed I didn't like him and (after a long friendship) has now completely cut me off.

Me and B were also close in the same way you describe. Both single etc. I told him I had feelings for him (he knew from a long while ago), strung me along for a very long time, telling me when he was in a better position, we could be together (I was a fool to believe, I was also in a vulnerable position which he was aware of) and only a few weeks ago, sent me a picture message of a girl saying "This is my new girlfriend. Do you like her?". We hardly speak now.

Of course I miss these friendships, but I can't turn the clock back. I suppose what i'm saying is, you'll never know unless you go for it. If there's one thing I regret, it's not going for it with A. I don't regret telling B how I felt. I don't know how A or B feel now because there's no contact, but I often wonder if A regrets not speaking to me about his feelings, but I guess, unless he chooses to contact me, we'll never know.

Best of luck with whatever you decideSmile

disastrouslee · 16/07/2017 03:27

If you like him but you have a history of just being mates then tbh you need to ask him. He may be agonising over the same thing you are. Or not. This is the chance you take, but you'll never know unless you go for it. Good luck! Flowers

Hyperventing · 16/07/2017 04:00

If I was single and had a male friend who expressed an interest in me, I'd be a) flattered and b) happy to carry on the friendship if I didn't feel that way, as long as they were happy to just be friends. In other words, if they're at all mature, you've got nothing to lose by making your feelings clear. Just don't get strung along if he's not interested though. I've known friends waste years on friends they hoped would develop into something more.

Toastandbutter is it too late? Is he in another relationship? If not, can't you get in touch? Life's too short to spend in wondering...

JungleInTheRumble · 16/07/2017 05:17

It's a tough one. Might he be asking himself the same questions you are?

If you like him in that way perhaps you should initiate some more date like activities, flirt with him a bit...see if it goes anywhere.

eatabagofdicks · 16/07/2017 06:58

I'm going to go against the grain here and say he doesn't seem into you. I think you should focus on spending time with people who are into you and less time with your friend that is leaving you confused. Meet other people.

eatabagofdicks · 16/07/2017 06:59

Toast why did he cut you off? Hmm

Loopytiles · 16/07/2017 07:02

How long have you been friends? And been single? Do you or he have DC?

Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 08:08

toast - that's an interesting way to look at the two ways things can go. But was friend A in a relationship at the time?

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Eat I do wonder if you're right but can't be sure. Or that he likes me but not enough if that makes sense.I do wonder about spending less time as it is leaving me confused, which can kind of ruin all of the other nicer parts of the friendship.

Loopy we've been friends about a year, close friends since earlier this year. He's been single a while, but I only have been in the last few months having come out of a LTR. We have certainly become a lot closer since I've been single (and that one date-like thing was a few weeks after I became single) but still not sure.

He asks a lot about my ex and why we broke up, but I have resolved not to talk about that anymore as it was starting to feel a little odd. In fact one of the reasons I'd like to know is he gives me a lot of advice about dealings with my ex (complicated break up) including being a firm advocate of me never giving it a second go, and I am curious about whether he has a vested interest in the advice.

Thing is I don't mind if there is nothing there - I just want to know so I can square it all away in my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 08:10

Hyper what you said above I've known friends waste years on friends they hoped would develop into something more is a very good point, I know one girl who wasted years doing this. I could never quite figure out if the man in question knew or not.

OP posts:
Hyperventing · 16/07/2017 11:06

Iron I think sometimes they do know and string someone along as an ego boost or as a back up plan! I'm jot saying your friend is doing that. Just that how wil you know if you don't say anything whether he's not interested but unaware of your interest; not interested but stringing you along; or, potentially interest but clueless of your interest in him.

If he says things like, maybe in the future, I'm not ready to commit, let's be friends and see how things develop, I don't want to ruin our friendship, then he's definitely not interested. If he suggests FWB or taking it slowly, then he's in the stringing along category. If he's really interested he'll be pleased by developments and you'll deffo know! Good luck OP.

toastandbutterandjam · 16/07/2017 11:17

Ironicuser123 Friend A claimed to have been in an unhappy relationship at the time. I later found out through friends and family that he wasn't. I bumped into his mum once and she brought it up, so I explained that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to (in her words) "go for it" with a taken man and she replied "Oh, you bloody stupid girl, he's always been single and pining for you. Everyone knows a taken man is a more desirable one" HmmConfused

HyperventingHe ignores all my messages, so I don't think there's any way back. I bumped into him once after he cut me off and it was incredibly uncomfortable all round. He spent most of the time in silence, just staring, ignored everything I said, was very argumentative, said everything was my fault etc. It's all incredibly petty and honestly, a sulking adult who tantrums is not something I have the time or patience for. If anything, it's a huge turn off!
Grin

Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 11:54

Toast what a confusing situation that must have been!

Hyper good advice - but now I'll have to have a think about what to do next. Maybe just see how things pan out over the next couple of weeks? I don't know.

OP posts:
gunsandbanjos · 16/07/2017 12:02

I had a very close friend for the best part of a decade, we were never single at the same time until early last year. We flirted, hooked up and then he treated me like absolute crap! I'd never have thought him capable of being such an arsehole.
I've seen him twice in the last year as we have mutual friends.
If I never saw him again I wouldn't be bothered.

You need to decide if you do try and initiate something more than friendship are you prepared to lose him as a friend if things go wrong?

Hyperventing · 16/07/2017 12:07

Toast, hearing your update it sounds like a lucky escape. What a lot of drama. You can do better than sulky man!

Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 20:38

I suppose the thing now is how to subtly test things without being too OTT?

OP posts:
thecolonelbumminganugget · 16/07/2017 21:01

There's always some idiot that'll post this kind of story so let it be me....

I had this kind of friendship with guy for about 2 years, drove me up the bloody wall, shared hobby and going out to the pub together a few times a week. Gave it up as a bad job in the end and decided to just enjoy his company and accept that I was just a friend to him.

Anyway, fast forward 6 years and we're getting married next week.

Turns out we were both shit at expressing what we felt - in our case getting very very drunk was the deciding factor. Get trollied together and make a move would be my (terrible) advice if it goes horribly wrong you have need to blame!

Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 22:03

That's lovely story Colonel Smile

Did you have any inkling, or really none at all?

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 16/07/2017 22:09

I have a close male friend, and we did most of what you described up until we both got married to our respective OHs and had kids, so less time to while away the day together etc. Still very good friends though. We are just not that into each other in that kind of way. We are friends, in the same way as I'm a woman and I have gay female friends. They don't fancy me. I don't think Hmm

WineAndTiramisu · 16/07/2017 22:18

thecolonelbumminganugget - my advice was going to be to get drunk as well, preferably both of you, then any regrets can be blamed on the booze... Probably not the most mature way of going about it, but often successful Grin

Original poster
Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 22:19

Did you ever discuss it Milo or was it just assumed there was nothing there?

I've had plenty of male friends before including a workmate but this one feels different because of the frequency of contact and the sorts of things we discuss. But then maybe am fooling self and it just feels different because of how I feel.

It's a hard one, knowing someone really likes you but not being sure if it's in that way

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 16/07/2017 23:09

It was never discussed. Just assumed on both sides I think. I'm sure on one of our nights of drinking and rambling on, that if either of us had hidden feelings they would have been made clear. I guess the question really is if you have strong feelings for him, strong enough to potentially change the dynamics of your friendship over - why don't you make a move? If not, what's the issue, you can just leave things as they are and enjoy having a lovely friend.

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