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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he's not that into me?

37 replies

Ironicuser123 · 16/07/2017 02:16

If he's not actually asking me out?

Background: we are very close friends, and both single. We probably do something one on one about once a week due to overlapping interests and mutual friends, and chat online most days (initiated by both equally), and have one of those friendships where we both laugh and can be serious and provide a lot of mutual support for each other when things are tough. He's very nice and concerned about my well being etc and mine his, and has said I'm one of his closest friends. Most of the times we see each other are fairly low key lunches and coffees and the like, the only time that has felt over and above normal friendship was an evening out about 6 weeks ago that he initiated but hasn't been repeated again. We spend a day together last weekend as well which was nice and fun but nothing above and beyond a close and comfortable friendship. We don't flirt but do have the sorts of conversations that I have never had before with someone I have not been in a relationship with.

I am interested in views as don't want to bring it up and make a tit of myself if there is no intention on his part of ever being more than friends. I want to know though so I can understand the parameters around the friendship.

Arrgh!

OP posts:

BeeThirtythree · 16/07/2017 23:12

DH and I were friends for a few years before deciding upon a relationship. I got the impression he was not into me/like me in 'that' way etc...in fact a bit stand offish, turns out he was keeping distance out of respect as I was in a relationship and then as I had just come out of LTR!
We were texting each other 80 times a day, 10 years ago, ringing each other when out, just never expressed feelings.
It was the best thing that we 'grew up together', knew each other's demons and dark days, had been totally honest in friendship and then in a relationship went in without rose tinted spectacles!
See it as a positive you are getting to see the real him and spend time with him, always think if it is the thrill of the chase or more?
From personal experience losing a friend hurts more than heartbreak over a boy, friendship is valuable. I would give it a bit of time, chatting online/over text is easier for some, they can not 'translate' that irl.
Build on your friendship and think anything more is a bonus?
It's horrid not knowing how someone feels about you OP, good luck with it and I hope you get what you want

Original poster

Ironicuser123 · 18/07/2017 05:22

That's good advice Bee - thank you!

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 18/07/2017 05:39

Friend A claimed to have been in an unhappy relationship at the time. I later found out through friends and family that he wasn't. I bumped into his mum once and she brought it up, so I explained that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to (in her words) "go for it" with a taken man and she replied "Oh, you bloody stupid girl, he's always been single and pining for you. Everyone knows a taken man is a more desirable one"

What a stupid woman, well, at least you escaped a stupid mother in law there.

What the hell was he thinking, though? He must have known you had moral standards and telling you he's taken would achieve exactly the opposite of what he wanted.

Ifitquackslikeaduck · 18/07/2017 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nettletheelf · 18/07/2017 09:33

He's already told you what he feels about you. He said that you were one of his closest friends.

It's not that hard to interpret, in my view. He sees you as a friend. You've done one evening activity together and he neither made a move nor suggested a repeat.

I'm sure that you're lovely, but my verdict is, he's just not that into you.

bridgetreilly · 18/07/2017 09:53

Just ask! If you're talking about all kinds of personal things, you should be able to talk about that. Say you really value the friendship and you've been wondering whether there might be something more between them, and ask whether he's thought that too. And if not, laugh, have a drink and you'll know. He's not a mind reader and nor are you.

Original poster

Ironicuser123 · 18/07/2017 10:15

It's funny how many roads seem to lead back to getting drunk

Good point nettle - I don't mind if you're right I just want to know

OP posts:

Nettletheelf · 18/07/2017 10:39

If you really want to test his feelings, the best way of doing it is to start meeting other men (e.g. via online dating)! That will put him on his mettle if he is secretly harbouring feelings for you. I don't think that he is, but that will tell you for sure.

Anyway, if he's not romantically interested in you, others will be, so start putting some irons in the fire. Good luck!

TheNaze73 · 18/07/2017 10:52

I think from what you have said, you're in the friend zone.

Have you given him, even the slightest inclination that you could be up for more?

Original poster

Ironicuser123 · 20/07/2017 09:23

Nettle good advice - he asked me if I had anyone on the scene yesterday though and was so surprised by the question (he'd never asked before) I didn't even have the nous to act cagey or the like to see

Naze - I don't know how obvious I am at all. I thought I was as subtle as a brick, but having paid more attention over the last week, he has been the one to initiate more conversations and the like. He knows I like him as a person though.

I suspect you are right though hence my AIBU. I don't want the friendship to go weird by having a full on talk about it as it means too much to me. I am very happy as friends as well, I just want to know I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ironicuser123 · 21/07/2017 09:06

Thanks everyone- I think I tested things and have my answer.

We'd discussed a movie we both wanted to see and he offered to arrange it with a few others, and in the process of him doing so all of the others decided on seeing a whole other movie that I was less keen on.

I said to him that I'd go to the first movie anyway that night and did he want to join, and he said no, he was too tired. I think he would have joined me if there was something there. Plus he seemed over eager to involve others in the initial outing, when it would have been logistically easier even to just go together.

I feel quite sad and like I am silly but suppose is for the best

OP posts:

WhyIsThereHariboInMyWine · 21/07/2017 13:09

Since he's questioned you on your LTR he could think that you're not ready to move on and testing the water. He could think you're not interested and is trying to make it clear that he's going to be in you're life regardless.

I have had lots of male friends in the past ghost me as soon as they realise they're not getting in my pants, it's really horrible. Maybe he just wants you to know he's not that kind of guy.

He could just not be into you but he sounds like a decent guy so wouldn't just stop being your friend if you made a move.

The cinema thing - he may have really been just tired, I wouldn't read anything into that at all. Maybe the friends were already talking about how they wanted to go or he hasn't seen them in a while.

Notice how many maybes and could bes there are there. Honestly you won't know until you say something and, if you don't, you may always wonder what could have happened.

I am so self conscious and afraid of rejection that I know how hard it is, tbh I tend to just get drunk with someone, confess my true feelings and I always have the get out of saying "Ooooh silly drunk me". It's how I bagged my DP of 5 years. I know it's hardly mature but fuck it.

Be prepared for him to say no but isn't that better than wondering about it for the rest of your friendship?

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