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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To throw him out? Follow up to holiday

31 replies

mommy2anangel · 15/07/2017 22:23

Follow up to holiday antics thread....

Came home from holiday, went to bed and the next day packed dh bags. Before I could kick him out, 7yo dd started playing up by screaming the house down and refusing to let me leave her room. It's a behaviour she often does, she will shout and scream knowing I'll go to her to avoid 2yo being woken. She then invents reasons for me to stay and screams if I leave. I had a terrible migraine and begged her to stop but she wouldn't. Dh then came up and yelled at her and smacked her. I don't agree with smacking but as a last resort after months of being up 22 hours a day I let him do it as it worked.

He then came up to her room an hour later while she was still screaming and smacked her so hard there was a hand print!!!!

The very next morning (literally a few hours after she finally shut up) I packed a bag and after school we went to a hotel.

I gave dh until noon today (Saturday) to pack a bag and leave. I explained why in an email (alcoholism, getting kids to taste his alcohol, hitting 7yo way too hard etc). I sent the same message by email text and WhatsApp telling him he had til noon.

At noon I came home and he was in bed. I told him he had an hour then I'd call the police.

Came home late as went to visit family and he's still in bed. No signs of him moving at all. He set up his phone recording us (his phone is videoing the room!) which I can only assume is him gathering "evidence"!!

2yo is ill and I asked him to move so I could get into bed with her but he ignored me. I told him to leave and he ignored me.

I'm now on the flipping sofa!!!

It's sole tenancy as I moved in during a separation, took his name off as permitted occupier during another separation.

I want tO pack his bag when he goes to work on Monday and change the locks. If I do he will most definitely try to break back in. If I call the police I have the embarrassment of that and also the possibility of social services being called.

He has zero family to stay with and his only friend can't have him either. Last time I threw him out he left willingly and rented a room somewhere.

I have no local family and can't go far as dd is at school. No friends to help and council won't house me as I'm not homeless.

Aibu to just change the locks and dump his bag outside?????

OP posts:
Plainandsimple · 15/07/2017 22:34

You are most definitely NBU, change the locks and dump his stuff; better to feel embarrassed at calling the police than to put up with his behaviour any longer! I would imagine the police have seen it all before and so will not be judging you, so no need to feel embarrassed at all. As sole tenant you are within your rights to have him leave, don't you dare think of going yourself! Get him out, get some help from HV with your 7yr old, and begin a new, calmer life with your DCs.

greathat · 15/07/2017 22:38

I know someone with a similar situation re trying to get OH to leave. She had to stay elsewhere and evict him through the courts. Good luck OP :(

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/07/2017 22:42

You keep giving ultimatums and not carrying them through.

You threatened the police after the hand print but didn't call them. Why not? It's an assault, mind you, you haven't got the moral high ground if you let him slap her initially because you are sleep deprived.

SS will help you, not judge you.

I always think these situations call for a 6 foot 6 big brother who just stands with his arms folded.

skiploom · 15/07/2017 22:45

Now is the time to be strong and do what you have to do and not allow yourself to have second thoughts. Good luck OP.

Gobletofgin · 15/07/2017 23:06

Has she got a bruise from the smack? If so take her to gp/ out of hours who will inform ss or phone social services emergency out of hours team yourself, and they will ask him to leave. Or phone the police and report him of assault.

Inertia · 15/07/2017 23:11

You need to report him for hitting your child hard enough to leave a mark- that is illegal. Can you go via your GP or the child's school, so that they can get in touch with the appropriate authorities to support you?

You do need to get him out of the house before he does serious harm to the children, and for their own sake it's better if you have a record of reporting it to the authorities in terms of future contact.

JeffStellingsLeftEyebrow · 15/07/2017 23:12

Can you not call the police and have him removed? He's giving your young kids alcohol and beating them. Get rid.

DrowningSeas · 15/07/2017 23:20

He hit your DD so hard that he left a handprint?

That's absolutely appalling and the fact you've gone and willingly stayed in the house with him makes you just as guilty

Being embarrassed about the police coming to your house is nothing in comparison to the embarrassment and guilt you will feel when social care arrive with the police and arrest you both for harming a child.

Call the police, have him arrested for assault and allow them to interview your daughter. Ask yourself if you would be happy with her making choices as an adult that put her or future grandchildren in danger.

queenofthebucket · 15/07/2017 23:22

I think you know YANBU, and you should have chucked him out at midday.

It sounds as if you are not quite sure you want to separate from him: previous separations, concern whether he has any family/friends to go to. If you are sure, and you are the sole tenant as you say, you can get him out, but you have to be prepared to not care about anything else but getting him out.
Sounds like he is manipulating you and you are afraid to call his bluff. This is bullying. So what if he tries to break in? You still want him out dont you? Being embarrassed? so what ? you still want him out dont you?
I would send him an email saying what you have already asked him to leave and that he has ignored your request. As a result of his refusal to leave you are intimidated and distressed in your own home if he continues to refuse to leave you will call police. This way you have a paper trail and if he continues to ignore I would imagine it would count as harassment.
Sorry if it sounds blunt but it absolutely makes my blood boil when people think that by ignoring your requests they are not bullying you. I am mad at him on your behalf.
Chuck him out and don't let him back in is my advice.

GoingSlightlyCrazy09 · 15/07/2017 23:22

Wait until he goes to work on Monday, put all his stuff on the lawn and change the locks. He's completely ignoring you, and in a way you're letting him get away with it by issuing ultimatums and not following them through.........

BloodWorries · 15/07/2017 23:29

You NEED to report him for assaulting your DD.
If you don't then you will have no evidence to use when he tries to get custody/access to the kids. If he's happy to hit her hard enough to leave a mark when you are there what's he going to do when he's had enough of her behaviour and he's on his own?
Please contact the police and SS. If you don't you could also been seen as allowing her to come to harm. SS will also be able to off help and advice with dealing with her behaviour.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 15/07/2017 23:33

If you don't report this your DD could be taken away from you as you will be seen as complicit if she mentions it to a teacher or friend.

I have had involvement with police/children's services and they said that as long as I was taking steps to protect my DCs that I would be fine, but if not then they would have to get involved.

Safeguarding is a massive thing now - and rightly so - so any murmur that a teacher, childminder etc hears has to be reported and followed up. The only way to make sure this comes back to your H and not to you, is if YOU are the one reporting it.

Your H sounds like a controlling dick, so I understand that he may have you feeling so unsure of yourself that you don't know which way is up any more.

Listen to the wise words on here - sadly too many of us have been on the receiving end of aggressive behaviour, but when it's directed at your DCs that's when you have to try and find your inner anger and fight back at him. Flowers

myusernamewhichisthis · 15/07/2017 23:36

if the place is in your sole name you have every right to remove him and call the police if he tries to break in.
its wont be embarrassing and they wont involve social services unless you give them reason.
there is more reason as it stands with him there.

change the locks and be prepared to dial 999 if he tries to geti t. the olice will remove him one way or another. do it every single time he rocks up - the police will not mess about all nigt with him he will end up getting locked up even if its to prevent a breach of the peace.

do it.

BraveBear · 15/07/2017 23:39

He hit your DD so hard that he left a handprint? That's absolutely appalling and the fact you've gone and willingly stayed in the house with him makes you just as guilty

No, it doesn't make her "just as guilty". She's not guilty of anything. That's such a bullshit term and only used against women who are asking for help dealing with abusive men.

OP, don't be embarrassed to call the police if you need to. Again, he is the ONLY person who should be embarrassed by what his behaviour results in. And reporting any assaults or attempted assaults could result in you being awarded legal aid for court cases, helping you to protect the dc's from him if you need to.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/07/2017 00:12

if the place is in your sole name you have every right to remove him and call the police if he tries to break in

Assuming she's in England Wales or Scotland and her use of the DH meaning they are actually married.

Whilst they are legally married until a court order occurs he has the right to live there.

Original poster
mommy2anangel · 16/07/2017 01:28

Thank you for the replies

Just to clarify the hand print isn't still there, it faded within an hour or so because by the time i thought to take a photo it had already gone.

First thing in the morning As soon as he goes to work I am going to throw his stuff out and change the locks

The police have said they will send someone out to talk to me tomorrow, and my daughter.

I guess I'm just scared of dh, he plays dirty and whereas I know he'd never want custody he might try to take the 2yo out of pure spite. What if he tries to take her from nursery???

He used to video me having a go at dd and say he'd use it to get the kids taken from me. He eill do anything to hurt me as he knows my biggest fear is losing the kids

OP posts:
K1092902 · 16/07/2017 01:35

Take DD to nursery on Monday morning and explain the situation to them and that under no circumstances is she to be taken from nursery by your DH.

Ask for something from the police to show it to them if necessary. They are there to safeguard your child after all.

K1092902 · 16/07/2017 01:45

But yes please change the locks and leave a bag of his things outside. Then bag up the rest of his things and have a friend or a family member to meet him at your house to collect his remaining belongings.

Keep all texts and emails. Get a voice recording device to record all phone calls. Keep your back covered.

My DH is being a prick at the moment so massive hugs to you

Rainbowqueeen · 16/07/2017 02:25

Flowers to you

Have you thought about calling women's aid for additional support?

Your DH sounds like he is all talk and no action. There are so many guys who threaten to take the kids but never follow through because they are only saying it to scare their partner. Please be brave, get as much support as you can and get him out of your life for good.

The police will help you. Thinking of you.

AdalindSchade · 16/07/2017 03:12

Some bad advice on this thread

Firstly the op isn't going to lose her daughter because the father hit her. It takes a court order to remove a child and for a LOT more than that.

Secondly she cannot tell nursery not to allow the father to collect his daughter, they do not have that power or right

Thirdly if they are married then it's the marital home regardless of whether he's on the tenancy or not and he could take her to court if she changes the locks. He probably won't but she need to know the legalities.

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp · 16/07/2017 21:36

Just to reaffirm what AdaLind had said above, if DH has parental responsibility then the nursery cannot stop him taking the child unless there is a court order in place preventing him from doing so.

If you can get in touch with your local women's aid they will be able to support you, helping you with your rights and practical advice.

Hope u are ok and good luck for the morning x

louiepc · 17/07/2017 06:47

if there is a child protection issue, the op is well within her rights as legal guardian of child to say to nursery and school that children must only be collected by certain people. this has happened where I work, and yes some have been court orders, but some are domestic issues where violence has been involved and child is safe guarded. good luck op. x

AdalindSchade · 17/07/2017 06:50

louie I'm sorry but you are totally wrong
No childcare setting can withhold a child from their parent who has PR in the absence of a court order or police intervention. That's dangerous and irresponsible advice.

Groupie123 · 17/07/2017 07:02

Does the 2 yo really need to go to nursery under these circumstances? Take some time off work, get yourself and the kids into a shelter/with family. It's more important to get your kids away from his idiot than to wait until he leaves of his own accord.

Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2017 07:17

I think you should call social services yourself and tell them what's been happening so that they can help you get him out of the house. If you call the, yourself they will know it is him not you and then he won't be able to threaten you with taking the kids anymore because the SW will want him away from them.