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AIBU?

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Original poster

How much would it take for you to go NC?

46 replies

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 21:24

Iv always liked the in laws but SIL has always been the very obvious favourite. Things have been up and down over the years with dh and them but Iv always gone out of my way to maintain a relationship with them and the dcs, going down alone with the kids and staying overnight etc.
I'm not one to always take dhs side and if he's wrong I'll tell him so. In fact more often than not i feel like I'm telling him the other persons point of view.
Anyway it's always annoyed me that when they come here they don't stay for long and there's always some excuse from MiL about how they need to get back (doesn't want to drive back late, needs to put dinner on for her husband and adult children Hmm etc)

Yet when we go we will stay all day, usually overnight so she can see the kids and camp because there's not enough room in the house. Our kids are very young and there's 3 of them so packing all their stuff and going is a total stress fest but they love to see the kids and the kids love to see them.
It's starting to grate on me now though. For they boys birthdays mil showed up 15 minutes before the end of their 2 hour party and then left an hour and a half after that.
A few weeks before DD was in hospital and mil came up to see us. All lovely until we found out she was there because shed been running sil up and down every morning and night to a local (to us) festival (so driving 6 hours a day)
Not surprisingly she stayed a long time that day as she was waiting to pick sil up that night anyway! We felt like a convenient stop off on a journey she was already doing and it it was annoying that she could magically manage to stay all day all of the sudden.
Sil asked if they could come up on the Monday to see DD and mil said she would be too tired from having run her up and down all week. Of course she would be but 1: that was her choice, a choice which she defended vehemently to us.
2: because of that choice DD didn't get to see any other family members while in hospital
Mil refuses to admit that sil is the favourite even though she will admit the boys would have never gotten the same treatment.

It's staring to feel like her desire to baby sil is now taking over with the grandkids too and because she's so tired from running around after her she can't be bothered. When we were sat in hospital she asked me what the boys were into and I replied the same sort as stuff that I'd told her at Christmas. She responded "yeah but it gets a bit boring doesn't it"
Then when she came up on their party day she handed over the gifts and said dh has told her ds2 likes paw patrol but she looked and it's all crap for the money.
I can't imagine her ever tegu

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 21:27

Sorry posted too soon.
Ever refusing to buy sil something she wants because it crap for the money or it gets a bit boring.
The thing is I really like sil but all this is just going too far.
Things have got critical with her and dh. He wants to go nc with them.
I'm thinking about doing the same. I don't know does it sound unreasonable?
She's a nice person in lots of ways but I just can't imagine treating my children so differently and I can see why dh is so hurt. It must be horrible for him.
Sil is early 20s by the way

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 22:26

No one?

OP posts:
elevenclips · 15/07/2017 22:31

I don't think you should go NC.
I would certainly lessen contact as they sound annoying and as well as that I would try and get it more on your terms. Don't be drawn into situations you don't want to be in.

How small is her place that you have to camp? Is it really too small for you to sleep in living room?

Justhadmyhaircut · 15/07/2017 22:32

Just concentrate on your dh and dc. . Back off, it doesn't sound like either of them will come running - no real loss by the sounds of it. . Better before your dc realise they are second best. And why should you be second rate either? Let dh keep up the farce if he so wishes. .

rockshandy · 15/07/2017 22:33

Favouritism is definitely a really tough thing to deal with. I have a lot of experience of that dynamic and also of being NC.

For your situation though, I think it is more a case of adjusting your own expectations of MIL. Don't do overnight stays if all it is doing is causing resentment, and don't expect her to treat everyone the same because it is her choice as to how she spends her time and money.

That doesn't mean that it is not disappointing, or hurtful, because it absolutely is, but going NC is honestly a last resort, and I think that from what you have said, maybe stepping back a little and not putting yourself out for them is the way to go. Rather than full NC.

Has anyone ever approached any of this with MIL?

peripateticparents · 15/07/2017 22:35

I'm nc with my dad. He tied me to a bed and had a gun to my head when I was v young (to threaten my mother, really). Sometimes I wonder why people get so worked up over 'preferences', personally. I do understand that it can be difficult, but I personally think this is not something that requires nc. I also suspect it's something you need to decide for yourself as it is your life/family (with dh Obv)... Mumsnet will have all sorts of opinions but No one else has to live with it.

RippleEffects · 15/07/2017 22:37

Intent to kill.

annielouise · 15/07/2017 22:41

They annoy you but they're not abusive by the sounds of it so as the kids get some benefit from having family I'd get on with it but make it more convenient for yourself - don't camp-out etc.

rockcake · 15/07/2017 22:45

How much does it really matter if sil is favourite? This kind of thing happens all the time in families and as we should all know by now, life isn't always fair. You and DH have each other and dcs AND you have a mil who doesn't invite herself over all the time or stay too long.

So yes, YAB a bit ridiculous and U

Lottie991 · 15/07/2017 22:55

I would back off, I think going nc something significant has to happen, Like if they were really abusive, Unkind, Upset the kids etc....
But everyone has their own limits.

NikiBabe · 15/07/2017 22:58

So you want to go NC when your DC enjoy visiting their GM because your MIL likes spending time with her only DD who is only early 20s just because you are jealous of the relationship she has with her DD?

Wow.

user1495025590 · 15/07/2017 22:59

so is your SIL her daughter?

MaryLennoxsScowl · 15/07/2017 23:10

This doesn't seem enough for NC. She's a bit annoying and she has a blind spot for SIL - big deal! She hasn't done anything awful, unless there's going to be a big dripfeed. I understand your DH feels upset, but she probably thinks she treats all her kids the same and just helps out SIL because she's asked - even if you don't agree. As other posters have said, just stop putting yourselves out - don't bother staying overnight if it stresses you, don't fuss if she leaves sharpish - it could be worse, she might stay all the time! Maybe she finds small children exhausting in longer visits.

What about FIL? What's he like? Why aren't you pissed off with him too? After all, he could offer to cook his own dinner so she doesn't have to rush back for him.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 15/07/2017 23:13

My pils are a little bit like this with DH and sil. It's slightly shitty behaviour, but it's not exactly harmful. I really don't think it would be NC territory for me, but I'd probably (I do) put in minimal effort - don't go and stay over with them. What a pita! See her when you see her and try to shrug it off. This is what I've learnt to do.

I have had to go low contact with my angry, shouty little sister, as she really stresses me out. Angry people are so much worse than people who cba ime.

Also agree that it can sometimes be a blessing, as pps have said, not to have an overly involved mil!

Aggression, violence, certain criminal behaviour would probably be an out and out NC for me. What you are describing doesn't really fall under that category.

HiJenny35 · 15/07/2017 23:17

She likes sil more, sad, hard to hear yep but that's life. My brothers are the favourites, couldn't care less, they just have more in common and get on really well, some people get on better than others that's just life. As for coming round when dropping sil off at an event and staying till she needed picking up, that's just logical isn't it?
As for being cross with sil I can't see how she's done anything wrong!
My dh has a half brother and sister who constantly say that he and our kids are the favourite, we live near them and make sure we visit them every week, they see them once every few months, as such they know loads about our kids and we've found topics/situations of mutual interest, whereas they know little about their kids, that's life and to be honest I'm bored of them moaning, if you're that bothered move closer and visit every week and work on the relationship or just accept that some people have more in common than others (even with parents)

Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 23:22

Sorry can't link names but to the poster that asked it's a 3 bed and they have 2 adult dcs still at home. We could sleep in the lounge but they don't go to bed till late and the kids are 5,2 and 1 so they wouldn't settle with tv on etc.
Bil usually goes out and gives us him room but I don't like to make him do that and plus it's a box room and me and 3 dcs, it's cramped.

Yes sil is her daughter and to the poster who said it's because she likes to spend time with her only daughter....Hmm
Really? Can you not read or are you just feeling goady? I have no issue with her wanting to spend time with her daughter ffs. The difference in treatment is so glaringly obvious it's hurtful to dh. Sil still lives at home and mil will get up from across the room to go get her a drink when she's sat closer to the kitchen. She's call mil from upstairs to bring her stuff up. Mil runs her around everywhere and treats her like a child still. Not my circus and all that but I'm illustrating the extent of it.
Mil left early on the day of ds's birthday party as she had a wedding to go to. It wasn't a planned wedding and not someone she knew, sil had asked her last minute so she rushed off from here after showing up late and didn't tell dh that she was no longer going to pick him up from work that day. He only knew she had left when we spoke later that day. As far as he knew she was still going to come get him.

It's been brought up loads of times, she denys any favouritism yet admits she never would have done the same for the boys

I have 3 kids myself and in the same order. I just can't imagine making the boys feel like shit to favour DD. Why would you want to make your kids feel like that?

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 23:23

Denies*

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 15/07/2017 23:23

Not sure I would go NC over this (unless there is a back story).
My mil has her golden boy son and her daughter who is the apple of her eye. The other 2 barely get a look in from her time wise. She also has favourite GC (which doesn't happen to be my DD) but i just accept it as one of those things. I wouldn't go out of my way to be around her but I don't actively avoid her.

Maybe just cut the visits down. Don't stay over night (certainly if there is camping involved).
Basically, stop making MiL a priority when you are simply an option and just see how it goes

KeepServingTheDrinks · 15/07/2017 23:25

I hate those threads where the first poster posts their views and then you get 15 more all agreeing with it, but I'd honestly thought this before I got to the end of your OP.

I'm NC with my DSis (her choice, not mine, although she would say it's mine). And it is MISERABLE. And horrible for the children. And deeply impractical (for weddings, funerals, christmas, etc).

I also attach a massive value to family relationships which aren't immediate family.... Relations between grandparents and DGC, aunts, uncles, cousins. I think these are all fantastic if they work. And I'd advocate ignoring minor niggles (which is what your OP reads like to me..... Irritating, annoying, I'll grant you, but quite 'first world') because - to me - the most important relationships should be those your DC make, and whilst I get that it's hard if you can see that the DGPs favour one set of children over another; I also think it's relatively easy to distract your DCs away from this so that they can have the benefit of family relations.

But it is, ultimately, your choice.

[btw, I've pressed some button or other and the text looks massively big. Don't know what I did, but sorry if this text is unfeasibly large when I hit 'send'!]

Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 23:28

Rock oh no don't be fooled she does invite herself. She just makes out she'll be here longer than she will so you put aside a whole day and she fucks off much sooner.

I backed off after those 2 incidents recently but her and dh had a fight tonight and I was brought into it so obviously she must be annoyed I'm not updating her all the time anymore. Apparently we should be grateful as they took us in 9 years ago. I was grateful but jeez why bring that up now? In another argument years back when we only had ds1 I heard her moaning about me for not texting her enough. I really made an effort after that, she'd barely see the kids at all if I didn't make the effort.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 15/07/2017 23:29

As for answering your question.. I am NC with my dad who was violent to me growing up. Played mind games etc. He also has this weird outlook on women that they are only there to be leered at like we are all objects

NikiBabe · 15/07/2017 23:32

The difference in treatment is so glaringly obvious it's hurtful to dh.

Your DH has a wife and 3 DC of his own. His sister is early 20s and still at home.

Surely he doesnt expect the same treatment?

I dont understand why you stay there when rooms arent even provided. But yeah go NC for this

BeeThirtythree · 15/07/2017 23:35

Your children are getting older and have more understanding and if the favouritism continues it will cause problems between them and resentment maybe?
As other pp said NC maybe extreme...slowly back off, make them make the effort to make seeing you and family a priority not option.
SIL is young and Mil is doing no favours to encourage her to mature and take responsibility. Mil time seems consumed by Sil, with other grown up DC living there too, is Mil 'holding on' to keep them there?

You have done enough, above and beyond, going on your own, camping, really wanting to keep family going and bonds intact...not just your responsibility. Hand it to Mil and family by backing down slowly...I know it will be hard as you are thinking of your children missing out on family time.

Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 23:36

What about FIL? What's he like? Why aren't you pissed off with him too? After all, he could offer to cook his own dinner so she doesn't have to rush back for him.

Fil is always at work. I don't mention him in all this as he's consistent in not being around. I can deal with consistency. Mil is the one who goes on about the kids, wants to see them lots etc
It's not just fil she rushed back for, it's the 2 dc as well. She's made herself invaluable to the point she does everything then gets upset she's so tired because she works full time plus does everyone's washing, all the cooking, looks after all the animals and does all the housework

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 23:37

Niki she's 22 and dh is 30. It's always been like this, it's been going on for their decades, it just suddenly change

OP posts:
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