How much would it take for you to go NC?

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Iv always liked the in laws but SIL has always been the very obvious favourite. Things have been up and down over the years with dh and them but Iv always gone out of my way to maintain a relationship with them and the dcs, going down alone with the kids and staying overnight etc.
I'm not one to always take dhs side and if he's wrong I'll tell him so. In fact more often than not i feel like I'm telling him the other persons point of view.
Anyway it's always annoyed me that when they come here they don't stay for long and there's always some excuse from MiL about how they need to get back (doesn't want to drive back late, needs to put dinner on for her husband and adult children etc)

Yet when we go we will stay all day, usually overnight so she can see the kids and camp because there's not enough room in the house. Our kids are very young and there's 3 of them so packing all their stuff and going is a total stress fest but they love to see the kids and the kids love to see them.
It's starting to grate on me now though. For they boys birthdays mil showed up 15 minutes before the end of their 2 hour party and then left an hour and a half after that.
A few weeks before DD was in hospital and mil came up to see us. All lovely until we found out she was there because shed been running sil up and down every morning and night to a local (to us) festival (so driving 6 hours a day)
Not surprisingly she stayed a long time that day as she was waiting to pick sil up that night anyway! We felt like a convenient stop off on a journey she was already doing and it it was annoying that she could magically manage to stay all day all of the sudden.
Sil asked if they could come up on the Monday to see DD and mil said she would be too tired from having run her up and down all week. Of course she would be but 1: that was her choice, a choice which she defended vehemently to us.
2: because of that choice DD didn't get to see any other family members while in hospital
Mil refuses to admit that sil is the favourite even though she will admit the boys would have never gotten the same treatment.

It's staring to feel like her desire to baby sil is now taking over with the grandkids too and because she's so tired from running around after her she can't be bothered. When we were sat in hospital she asked me what the boys were into and I replied the same sort as stuff that I'd told her at Christmas. She responded "yeah but it gets a bit boring doesn't it"
Then when she came up on their party day she handed over the gifts and said dh has told her ds2 likes paw patrol but she looked and it's all crap for the money.
I can't imagine her ever tegu

And no he doesn't expect the same treatment but when you live with one you might make an effort when you're with the other no?
It's so obvious even sil has said things in the past. E.g. One time we went and dh didn't feel great. We were meant to go for a meal but he felt shit. Mil breezily said oh well me and sil will just go. ( no mention of me and the kids)
Sil "um no mum let's get takeaway so we can all be together"

I really like sil. I know it's not her fault and we get on well. She's only doing what she's used to and who wouldn't take the easy option. Her mum is doing her no favours by doing everything for her really but then I don't think she wants her to ever move out

Just see them on your terms when its convenient for you and when you want to. .Then all the issues will disappear.

Sorry bee I totally crossed posted with you but yeah you're spot on

I think perhaps going low contact might be the best option. I have a similar situation with my IL's. My DH's brother is the favourite and it's really awful to see that happen. I am now NC with them while my DH is low contact. I think it's very difficult within the wider family when you go NC. It is a big step. It worked for me because I won't tolerate people in my life who don't treat me or DH fairly or with respect. We don't have DC's so it's a lot easier in some ways. I think there are many people out there who experience this same situation and it's really sad. You must do what you think is best for your family but sometimes NC can still be stressful if you want to maintain contact with other family members. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Not read all the thread but to me this sounds like it's your mil with the problem not the sil. The sil tried to come to the hospital and couldn't. To me you're targeting the wrong person

All the insights are really helpful though. I think in future if I go down I will stay for a few hours then leave and go to see my family who are also down there. It will mean minimal packing and less stress.

I'm lucky we have my mum and she helps out a lot. I think I get annoyed because mil doesn't make the effort but then gets annoyed that my kids are closer to my mum who makes a lot of effort and stays longer.

I just really felt for dh tonight. He may be 30 but your parents are always your parents and he's just been so down. To tell your mum that all you want to do is spend time with her and have her say "well I'm not physic or I work 37 hours a week" it's just left him deflated.
I think the best thing for him would be no contact and we go low contact. His mums not willing to change things so I think he'll always be hurting over this if he doesn't step away

No Nelly I totally blame
Mil, not targeting sil at all.

I think that is a good way forward OP. Try the low contact first and try to get things on your terms. Put them a bit further down your list of priorities. If DH wants to go NC it might be the best option for him. Do what feels right for you and your family. I sympathise with you because it's bloody hurtful when you see your DH being second best to the sibling.

My grandmother is like this - she'll leave my mum in the lurch while she rushes off to cater to my uncle's whim, and it hurts my mum's feelings. However, we know it's more about grandma than mum - she loves to feel needed and she thinks mum is doing well plus has her own DH to support her so she thinks my uncle is more in need. It still comes across as unfair given the huge difference in treatment between them, but she doesn't see it that way at all. I think NC should be reserved for abuse of some kind, as it cuts your children off from any relationship with their grandparents and could cause a huge rift in the family as everyone will take sides.

Niki she's 22 and dh is 30. It's always been like this, it's been going on for their decades

Ah that's shitty.

Id back away. Dont stay there when they don't even provide young children with a room and prevent them going to bed.

Dont put yourself out for them at all

Mary I think its very similar with mil except she likes to be the needed one in her own home. Iv let her stay for the birth of all 3 dc and as soon as we're out of hospital she rushes off home. I told her she really didn't have to when she did it with dc3 but she left anyway which annoyed me as I could have had my mum stay instead and she would have actually stayed for a decent amount of time.
I know lots of people would love that she doesn't stay and she's not overly involved, I just think it's hurtful when you're trying to build bridges and they don't bother yet they're texting constantly saying how much they miss and love the dc,

If you're low contact how often would you visit? I'd say I'll wait for the dc to ask but I don't think they will. DH is already getting blamed for "tearing the family apart"
she just can't see that she has any part in it.
Now that we'll only be going every so often and staying for a few hours I don't doubt she'll be mad rather than see it as we're just doing to them the same as what she does to us

I think lessening contact is a really good idea OP, it's obviously causing you and DH stress. I'd make very little effort, to be perfectly honest, to see them. If you happen to be on the area, great, pop by for a cuppa, but if not then don't. Concentrate on your family - DH and DCs.
As for texts - well if you remove your effort how often would you hear from the ILs? Respond in kind.
It sucks, but if you haven't made a huge effort (packing up the kids etc to camp out) then it's less annoying when it's cut short/people don't turn up. Good luck, and sorry to your DH, everyone wants their Ma to love them and pay them attention

Your DH (or you) will probably get all the guilt trips (tearing the family apart) just ignore it, and quietly, calmly remind the family they know where you live and you are happy to have visitors. Don't let them goad/guilt you.

My line is always, with a smile, "please come and visit any time. It's that bit harder for us to travel with dc, so we won't be able to do that". Repeat as necessary. Do not budge.

If and when they say they're coming to visit, don't make any plans at all. No big meals or trips out planned. They can fit in with your plans, or they can fuck off. Do not do anything over and above basic manners, (feed them a cup of tea and something at meal times), to accommodate them.

Do not engage in any arguments. Smile, nod, be polite, but do not defend yourself, explain anything or get upset. Just don't engage. Keep your emotional distance even when you're physically close to them. This is a trick I've learned with my ils.

We went nc with bil and his wife. Our day to day life isn't really affected, but it can be a little awkward at family events (weddings, funerals etc). If I were you I'd go low contact - just stop trying, don't be the first to make contact, don't stay overnight etc. See how that works for you first.

It's all blown up between dh and sil so I guess that's that. He's told them they're not welcome here. Sil said some harsh things and dh retaliated.
I hate the whole situation and I'm sad it's come to this. Dh seems to fully blame sil for, as he sees it, taking advantage of their mum.
I see it that his Mum is an adult and should be the one saying no and treating her kids equally.
Don't really know what to do now.
I suppose at least the kids are young enough to not care.

Oh dear. Worst of all worlds there, I'm afraid. You've lost the chance to calmly back away and leave them to pick up the slack if they choose. Agree with you that it's not your SIL's fault, the MIL is the adult who's behaved like this since SIL was a child and set up her expectations and has failed to treat them equally. Your DH is aiming his anger in the wrong direction and that's going to mean nobody is sticking up for him at home as they will all be offended and won't see his point of view. I guess try to stay out of it yourself and wait for them all to calm down, but be open to reconciliation if they try to get in touch. Maybe your MIL needs to know how much your DH is hurt by her actions to consider changing her ways.

Also, an apology from your DH to his little sister wouldn't go amiss.

When people are hurt they can say and do things they later regret. I don't think there is much you can do other than support DH and focus on your family unit. It's a shit time when things like this happens (This happened with us and DH family last year). Leave MIL and SIL to it - that's what I would do. At least feelings are out in the open even if it didn't go very well. If it's any help it does bother me less as time goes by. You don't forget what's happened but it becomes less important as life goes on.

I'm nc with my dad. He tied me to a bed and had a gun to my head when I was v young (to threaten my mother, really)

Jesus christ! I hope you never had to see him ever again.

Also, an apology from your DH to his little sister wouldn't go amiss.

Given she told him all the family hates him and he should be committed I don't think he should or will be apologising any time soon.
Dh has been on the phone nearly in tears to mil before saying that he just wants to spend time with her, she just gets defensive and doesn't change anything or say sorry.
She's over invested in sil to the point of creepy. (Think keeping a lock of hair from the LAST time she had her hair cut)
I agree it is all mother in laws fault, she's totally to blame here but unfortunately it's easier for dh to hate his sister as he still wants his mum to love him.
It's tragic really