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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is a nasty selfish bitch

81 replies

DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 14:41

She's been really been particularly kind or nice to me but recently has Neville even nastier.
Didn't get a congratulations with my last pregnancy and this time the same. Nothing. Just a cats bum face when I told her.

The only time there was a flicker of anything was when I if an episode of bleeding she could t contain her smirking.
Luckily all was ok.

Yesterday was my 12week scan. I'd arranged would she collect ds from school as it was same time she barked at me "well what time will you be back????"
No good luck, nothing just a horrible attitude.
We got back and she left the room. Did t ask how it went didn't ask to see the photo just took herself off. Tried to say goodbye when we left she wouldn't speak.
I text her later to thank her for having ds. No reply but could see the text had been read.

Text her this morning just hello how are you today and got back 'I'm ill'
She does this all the time. It's not about her so she goes all weird. She has horrible with my last pregnancy too. I've never met somebody so unkind and uncaring wtf is wrong with her.
The only time she seemed happy was when I was bleeding 😔

OP posts:
Whodoesthis17 · 15/07/2017 16:33

Your mum has a nasty attitude, and things only of herself, use the baby as the reason why you do less for her. When ever she asks just say no sorry what with 2 children we can't.
Because the more you do for her the more she wants, so in a way it's your own fault for creating this monster, I am not having a go at you, your just to nice and she has programmed you to work for love and life shouldn't be like this.
Be a good mum instead, and enjoy the love and cuddles that come from a normal relationship. xxx

user1497480444 · 15/07/2017 16:33

you are so totally dismissive of her collecting your children and looking after them for an hour. Why are you so totally dismissive like that? Shes done you a huge favour, and you are complaining bout her being unkind. And saying she had to do it because there was no one else, and it was only an hour?

She didn't have to do it, and that one hour might have messed up her plans for the entire day.

Esspee · 15/07/2017 16:34

I am not sure if I would think to wish someone good luck before a scan to be honest. I tend to assume everything is normal. I would be interested in seeing the pics afterwards though.
Just come to terms that your mother isn't great grandmother material and live your life accordingly.
Congratulations on the coming baby and Flowers from me.

TupperwareTat · 15/07/2017 16:35

I wouldnt even mention your next scan, take DS with you.

She cant be bothered so I wouldnt bother with her.

Yvetteballs · 15/07/2017 16:38

Minimum/no contact would be the best here.

ohfourfoxache · 15/07/2017 16:41

You need to get as much distance between you as you possibly can.

Ok, so she looked after dc1. Fine. Very nice of her.

But if that means that you have to put up with all her shit then it is most definitely not worth it.

Have you heard anything from her today?

Whodoesthis17 · 15/07/2017 16:48

user1497480444 so you think the rest of the OP's Mums attitude is fine?

SittingAround1 · 15/07/2017 16:59

User444 are you the OP's mother?

toastandbutterandjam · 15/07/2017 17:02

My grandma was like this with my mum when she was pregnant with me and again with my sibling.
My grandma was like this when my uncle and his girlfriend were expecting their baby. They announced it and she replied ' Oh, what a shame that is. The world is already overpopulated without you adding to it' - also making nasty comments throughout the pregnancy.

However, my mums sister announced her pregnancies and she was greeted with gifts, flowers, love, kisses, money, a brand new car and a 4 bedroom house.

My nan lives next door to her. She's NC with the rest of us. She's always made it clear that the only people that matter to her are her favourite daughter and her children (Yes, she's said this repeatedly). It's a relief not having someone like that in our lives.

Congratulations and very best of luck with your pregnancy Flowers

mrsRosaPimento · 15/07/2017 17:04

Go on the stately homes thread. The posters on there are so helpful and knowledgeable. My parents hate me. Actively try to hurt me and my dh and dcs. I've been no contact for four years. I've moved house and changed phone numbers etc so they can't find us. Look into personality disorders and you may find your mum. I have a narcissist and a psychopath for parents. Also the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forewood, is brilliant. I highly recommend it. Your mum's behaviour is not normal. You did nothing to cause this behaviour. It's not you, it's her.

Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 17:05

I wasn't ungrateful at all it was pretty arranged when I got my scan date I asked and she said yes.
When we dropped her off to work she was being confrontational asking eamxactkynwhat time we would be back, tutted and walked off didn't say good luck etc etc as I explained in my op
I thanked her for looking after ds. It's not a regular occurrence so not as if I'm using her. The 'illness' is what happens regularly a non specific 'I'm ill' look after me type thing if she doesn't feel the centre of attention.

I just feel like yesterday really opened my eyes. I do a lot for her, all I've asked is very minimal occasional childcare and I'd have liked her to have been kind to me about my pregnancy

OP posts:
mrsRosaPimento · 15/07/2017 17:06

My parents treated my children in an abusive manner. I thought they would be nice as it wasn't me. It isn't, toxic parents are always going to be toxic grandparents. You have to protect your dcs. Mine are still recovering from my parents behaviour four years since they saw them.

Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 17:07

Ds is only 5 and luckily Seems unaffected and obviously the baby doesn't know I think if it carried on any longer though ds may pick up on things so better to have realised now

OP posts:
lifeinthecountry · 15/07/2017 17:10

. is she menopausal?

Menopause doesn't suddenly turn you into a evil bitch and it's not an excuse for any kind of nasty behaviour. It possibly makes you a bit more emotional but doesn't turn you suddenly evil. (I speak as someone whose just gone through it, strangely I didn't grow horns or start behaving like a monster.) But well done, way to encourage all those stupid jokes/stereotypes about menopausal women.

OP, your mum sounds like a nightmare. Unfortunately, as PP have suggested, all you can do is protect yourself from it somehow, and set your expectations really low. My mother is an evil cow, too, and has been since I was a child. She was a cow before, during and after menopause and now she's elderly, she's an evil elderly cow - and I'm supposed to excuse her behaviour because she's old. People always have an excuse for her behaviour. Needless to say, I've been NC with her for over 20 years.

LaArdilla · 15/07/2017 17:10

Stop talking to her.

I know it's hard - I've had to do it with mine - but you've got to let go. She's a failure as a mother and a person and the only reason she engages with you is to shit on you and make herself feel better for her own shitty life. Does she feed you the old classic lines about how no one will love you like she does, or how she is all you have in the world?

There are some really good books out there for coping with the aftermath of being raised with way - 'Mothers Who Can't Love - A Healing Guide for Daughters' and 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough?' as well - and they can help you stop seeking her approval. She's never going to turn around and be a normal person who says pleasant things.

WinnieTheWitch50 · 15/07/2017 17:19

Yanbu, she sounds vile. Smirking when you were bleeding, beyond nasty. My adult dd had a baby recently and I do not understand any of this behaviour, it is not normal.
Have a look at the book recommendations and congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/07/2017 17:21

This is a very interesting read, it includes how they may treat siblings differently uk.businessinsider.com/narcissists-cannot-love-their-children-2017-7

sleeponeday · 15/07/2017 17:33

Shes done you a huge favour

Looking after a grandchild for an hour is not a huge favour - in most families, it's normal. And the OP does a huge amount for her, apparently.

OP, you ever heard of a book called Toxic Parents? I think you might benefit from a read.

CrumblyMumbly · 15/07/2017 17:43

Congratulations on your pregnancy and deepest sympathy for your mother. I had to smile at the "I'm ill" as that is in the Narcissist guide to being a shit mum! (I'm still writing it.) You can't keep getting pregnant and having anything be about you...what were you thinking? You can address it with her but would be surprised if anything changes I'm afraid. I may try to scope some different childcare before she uses this as a weapon. Good luck.

sweetkitty · 15/07/2017 17:54

Are we related OP because this was the sort of thing my mother did. She didn't congratulate me with DD1 and was utterly horrified when I got pregnant with DD2 told everyone she was worried about me and that she would have to step in! Yeah right she did nothing for me. I had a mc and she accused me of not wanting the baby then was horrified when I got pregnant with DD3 the month after because she told everyone I was waiting a year before trying again. Couldn't care less about DD3s scan as she knew it would be another girl, hardly took any notice of DD3.

I just stopped phoning her and about 3 months went by and she sent me a nasty letter, I wrote back and she sent me another letter and I though why bother she does nothing for me apart from try to make me feel bad about myself, she's always ill as well, told everyone she was having a cancer scare as she googled her symptoms!

That was 8 years ago haven't seen her since and I don't regret it one bit, she's never met DS.

Rainbunny · 15/07/2017 19:14

I agree with the poster above who mentioned some women never want children but had them and felt trapped by being a mother. My best friend's mother was this way, something we can see clearly now as adults but when we were children I couldn't understand why her mum was so vile to her. She hated every bit of success my friend had, wouldn't let her attend any parties or events with friends, made her cut off her beautiful long blonde hair when she was thirteen - frankly because I think she was jealous of my friend's looks, never said well done when friend did well in exams, didn't say a word when my friend got into a top university and told no one in the family - no one found out until my friend returned home at Christmas in first year! She stayed silent and miserable at my friends wedding, barely acknowledged her GCs, I could go on. I truly think this woman cannot bear to see her own daughter be happy!

mrsRosaPimento · 15/07/2017 20:40

Will I ever be good enough? is good.

IHateUncleJamie · 15/07/2017 20:47

Sittingaround I was just thinking the same thing! 😱

Yes, "Will I ever be good enough" is a very good book. 👍

PollytheDolly · 15/07/2017 20:50

In fact my mother said each time ' well hopefully you'll miscarry'

What?! Jesus wept.

Graceflorrick · 15/07/2017 20:52

Does she have do so quite a bit to childcare for you?

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