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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is a nasty selfish bitch

81 replies

DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 14:41

She's been really been particularly kind or nice to me but recently has Neville even nastier.
Didn't get a congratulations with my last pregnancy and this time the same. Nothing. Just a cats bum face when I told her.

The only time there was a flicker of anything was when I if an episode of bleeding she could t contain her smirking.
Luckily all was ok.

Yesterday was my 12week scan. I'd arranged would she collect ds from school as it was same time she barked at me "well what time will you be back????"
No good luck, nothing just a horrible attitude.
We got back and she left the room. Did t ask how it went didn't ask to see the photo just took herself off. Tried to say goodbye when we left she wouldn't speak.
I text her later to thank her for having ds. No reply but could see the text had been read.

Text her this morning just hello how are you today and got back 'I'm ill'
She does this all the time. It's not about her so she goes all weird. She has horrible with my last pregnancy too. I've never met somebody so unkind and uncaring wtf is wrong with her.
The only time she seemed happy was when I was bleeding 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 15:08

It only really hit home yesterday. Think I've been in denial till now. The more I do the more she demands.
Like I said we haven't done what we had promised this weekend (tip) and certainly won't be helping her as usual.
At least it's meant dh was home this morning instead of helping her, we've tidied he house, I spring cleaned out room and put the scan photo in a lovely frame in the bedroom. Her loss if she doesn't want to see it I suppose. Just feels strange realising my mother dislikes me so much and her unborn grandchild

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 15/07/2017 15:10

If she's clearly unhinged which you suggest she has been for a long time and sees your children and babies as a challenge I would suggest you leave her alone. And ask your DS if he likes being at her house and her collecting him.

You could also talk to her directly and ask what the problem is - and now, she may be really ill.

AngelaTwerkel · 15/07/2017 15:13

I wouldn't treat a stranger like this, let alone my own DD. Keep your distance for your own mental wellbeing.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Flowers

Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 15:15

She always gets 'ill' she is non specific and it happens when she feels threatened and like something may take away her support network. It's odd she has this thing where if you do a job for her once it's your job forever so for example if dh moves her bins for her once that's it she will never do it again for herself

OP posts:
Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 15:16

I just feel that I need to keep away she made me angry and upset yesterday and I shouldnt have felt like that

OP posts:
FaithAgain · 15/07/2017 15:19

What was she like when you were young?

Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 15:22

Honestly, not the worst mother but not the best. Very detached I never felt loved more tolerated iyswim
Lots of arguments till my dad left when I was a teenager then that was it she told me I had to take over any jobs that had been my dads like getting up to make her tea, things like that.
It wasn't a terrible childhood just very odd. Always felt like she wanted me to feel sorry for her, put her first and do for her all the time as she was apparentlynso hard done by

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 15/07/2017 15:25

The definition of madness is doing the same thing but expecting different results.

Step off this merry go round Op, your mother is not going to change.

You can choose not to be her whipping boy.

You may find support and help with this toxic relationship on the 'stately home threads' on the relationship board.

IHateUncleJamie · 15/07/2017 15:25

How horrible. I've been no contact with my Mother for several years now because of behaviour like that. Do you rely on her for childcare? If so, I'd advise you to try to find alternatives because then you can lessen contact with your Mum. I always think if a so-called friend treated you like this, how long would you put up with it? You don't owe your Mother anything. Flowers

FaithAgain · 15/07/2017 15:25

She certainly doesn't sound very loving or affectionate! You don't have to have a relationship with her if you don't want to....at the very least, take a step back.

Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 15:26

No we have only needed very occasional childcare so it wouldnt be an issue

OP posts:
wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 15:30

*never been nastier

Who's Neville?

This is why I try not to use my phone to post on MN. 'Text predict' has a nasty habit of inserting family identifying names into the text, before I've had chance to check Shock

RedastheRose · 15/07/2017 15:30

You are not being unreasonable your Mother is a nasty selfish bitch! You have two options, you can carry on trying to please an unpleasant and unpleaseable person or you can stop putting yourself out for her doing things she needs doing and being helpful when she doesn't deserve it. When she demands that you comply just steel yourself and tell her straight up that as she can't treat you like the loving daughter that you have been then you won't be putting yourself out for her anymore. You have to mean it though. People like her will say what you want to hear to get you back running around after them then revert to type. You and your family will be better off without tying yourself in knots and putting yourselves out for her.

wonderingwhy2 · 15/07/2017 15:31

Oh and your mother sounds horrible and takes more than she gives
Possibly go Low Contact in future?

LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2017 15:51

some good tips on out of the fog site. sounds like medium chill and you need boundaries, to start with.

MrsChopper · 15/07/2017 15:58

She sounds horrible. I would reduce contact to the very very minimum. And I wouldn't let someone like that look after my child, not even an hour!

Urubu · 15/07/2017 15:58

Why don't you just ask her?
I noticed you seemed to be unhappy I am pregnant, why is that?

Original poster
DontDeserveIt · 15/07/2017 16:01

I don't know anyone called Neville and as far as I can remember have never typed the name !!!!! It just changed it !

OP posts:
2014newme · 15/07/2017 16:02

My dm us a nightmare. I am nc and life us so much better.
Don't ask fir fir childcare help, don't text her, if she really is that bad just keep away

MissionItsPossible · 15/07/2017 16:09

Sorry haven't read through the thread as I read your OP and am horrified that you asked her to look after your child. Not horrified at you, just the situation. I would cut contact completely, I know it sounds like an exaggeration and I have thought the same when reading similar posts on here but in this case I think it's good advice. Who the hell smirks when someone has been bleeding and at risk when pregnant I wouldn't do that even to my worst enemy. She sounds like a horrible, nasty bitch and I wouldn't want that sort of person in my life. God, how can a so called mother treat her daughter like that? Why is she nice to your sister and not you do you think?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 15/07/2017 16:22

That's fucking disturbing. I'd go NC. Wouldn't want my children anywhere near.

Patriciathestripper1 · 15/07/2017 16:27

Tell her to fuck off. Why would you want that miserable old bag around you dc?
She will have a horrid effect on them and suck the joy out of everything.

rinabean · 15/07/2017 16:28

I'm glad you've decided to stop helping her

Your story is extremely common. A woman who is very unhappy, probably abused and neglected herself, has kids either out of lack of options or so that there will be someone who has to love her, but she doesn't know how to look after them, and actually deeply resents having to look after them when she already feels so badly looked after.

All of it is so textbook. Enjoying your pain. Not caring about your happiness. Constantly demanding. And especially, especially the mystery illness. It is so, so typical

You can help yourself to come to terms with the fact that she will probably never be a good mother to you, and also the fact that she wasn't a good mother to you (often harder, even though it's technically more obvious). You can help yourself have better self esteem and boundaries (you are doing well to realise she's taking too much, and that you can stop it, so you have - nice! It can be very hard). And you can try to stop yourself doing the same things she did. You already sound like you're a better mother than her, just because you think these behaviours are weird and wrong. So like, at the minimum you have the aspiration to do better, which she probably didn't

I hope it helps you to know this is a common problem, and absolutely nothing you caused or could have prevented. And that there's a lot of help to deal with it out there for you

Your plans so far to deal with it are great. You're doing really well

user1497480444 · 15/07/2017 16:31

she isn't unkind to you, she picked up your children and cared for them for n hour. That isn't unkind. Especially if she wasn't feeling well - that is a huge favour.

Do you rely on her a lot like that, and expect childcare as an entitlement regularly?

That might be why she is pissed off with you

supersop60 · 15/07/2017 16:32

YANBU. She sounds awful and you do not need that in your life. Please try to detach, for your mental and physical health. Congrats on the pregnancy Flowers

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