AIBU to let my judgey friend get to me, even when I know she's basically a good person?

[AppleCiderVinegar]

I have this friend who is basically a good person - fun, warm, generous, always pleased to see me and has been there in the past in a crisis.

She has a habit of saying quite judgemental things about people's parenting decisions or lifestyle. About other people and about me too (to my face). Usually delivered with a big bright smile as if it's a joke.

Don't want to give lots of examples which could be identifying, but along the lines of 'Shop bought birthday cake!? Really?!' She once called my potty training method 'a bit Rab C Nesbitt'. A gazillion other examples.

I am not immune to the odd judgey thought myself - not proud of it and trying to do better (& would be absolutely mortified to say one of these thoughts out loud!) so I do know that the urge to judge often comes from our own insecurities. As a result am trying to be kind and not let it get to me.

DH is someone who reacts more to tone of voice and facial expression than content, so when she says (big smile) 'haha, your house is so dirty!!' he can't see what my problem is.

I think this tends to make the experience of seeing her more stressful because I can't debrief with him afterwards (or have a quick 'glance of solidarity' during a visit.)

I'd love to be able to think, 'meh, whatever, water off duck's back, that comment says more about her than me' etc etc and get on with enjoying the things I like about her.

But I'm struggling not to feel irked/hurt/stressed by her and tbh this results in me avoiding her.

AIBU?

I have experienced this exact scenario with an old "friend", and then I woke up and realized she was no friend of mine. A good person doesn't go out of their way to make a friend feel poorly, which is exactly what she doing. She knows damn well her comments are actually put downs, and she does it to make herself feel better. That's how insecure and fucked up people like this are. Now that I'm in my 40s, I can say that one of the most important life lessons is to learn that spending time with people who make you feel bad is nothing but a waste.

She's not a friend, she's a judgemental bitch who gets away with being mean.

She does this to you because you let her get away with it.

"just a joke" meanness is still meaness isn't it?

I'm not sure I agree that judgement comes from insecurities, however she does sound very rude.

Why can't you tell her?

"These jokes really aren't funny. They're hurtful. Please stop."

She's a 'jellyfish' (a la Bridget Jones)! I had a friend (actually frenemy) who said offensive things or me with a smile or laugh or most irritatingly 'no offence, but...'Life was so much better when I cut her out aged 18 or so. Don't tolerate someone putting you down in this insidious way. I also have a best friend who I used to have a rather banter-y relationship with but over time we have softened and refined it because I didn't like feeling criticised even though in that case it was not meanly meant. I let her know I found our conversation a bit too abrasive as I got older and she changed because she's a genuine friend. So I'd give your friend a chance by telling her her comments are hurtful and if she continues with 'it's only a joke' etc you know she doesn't care about your feelings and I would step away back from the 'friendship' at that point personally as I don't like being insulted by so-called friends!

I really need to know your potty training method.

Say 'joke' stuff back to her when she does it .
bright smile 'gosh you do say rude and hurtful things don;t you rude friend'
'goodness don;t you ever think before you speak rude friend?'

No idea what a Rab C Nesbitt potty training method is, bit it sounds interesting
Tell her her social skills are a bit Alan Partridge.

Oh yes the potty training thing.

DS1 would wee in the potty okay but had trouble pooing unless distracted. So we'd set him up with the potty in the living room in front of the telly when he needed a poo.

Doesn't seem to have done him any lasting harm

Life is too short. Ditch.

She sounds very funny and you're a bit over sensitive. Being mates involves being able to gently rip the piss.

Thanks all for your replies btw this is helping me get my head straight about it.

The thing I find so confusing is that she's so nice in other ways.

And of course DH not seeing it, but tbh there's a lot that goes over his head

For ages I'd spend time with this friend, come away feeling a bit crap about myself but wasn't able to put my finger on why. And then getting a bit older and (a bit) more self aware I realised it's because of these jokey comments she makes.

She sounds like a dick, life is too short to tolerate 'jokes when you're always the punchline

How would she react if it was dished back?

I have a bit of a jokey relationship with a friend, we the piss, but it goes both ways and we never leave feeling worse than when we arrived

Friends should make you feel better about yourself, not worse...

Being mates involves being able to gently rip the piss.

Being friends involves being sensitive to your friend's feelings and not continually putting them down.

OP, does she ever give you a proper compliment or is it only ever a dig?

Sounds like she knows she shouldn't be saying it but if she smiles or jokes about it that she can get away with it. I know a few people like that.

It's not nice for you OP. Don't let her get away with it. It will mean you're going to have to be a bit confrontational with her but it's needed if you're going to carry on with this friendship.

We just had a Colin the Caterpillar birthday cake - shop bought... 15th year in a row! (she would not get one single crumb of its chocolatey deliciousness! )

She once called my potty training method 'a bit Rab C Nesbitt'.

That would make me laugh. I'd take it as a compliment.

If you haven't got a Colin the Caterpillar, is it even your birthday?

Do most people actually bake their dc's birthday cakes?? I never have.

I do (except one year when I was recovering from nasty mc) but I really enjoy baking so I'm a fusspot about how it tastes. Fortunately my DC have learned to have low expectations of the decoration...

I had a friend like this. In the end we reached breaking point and had a number of rows. I then told her I needed a break from all that ( it had got very intense between us) and she in response blocked me from everything and can no longer even make eye contact. If I could have kept things more amicable then I would have but I'm afraid I have no advice on how.

Just to add on to the birthday cake thing - my 18th birthday cake was a pepper pig one chosen by my then 7 year old little cousin

Have you tried telling her, that it is really off-putting that she is so judgey? Or say in a really concerned voice, that she shouldn't be so judgey as it makes her sound very neurotic.