AIBU to let my judgey friend get to me, even when I know she's basically a good person?

[AppleCiderVinegar]

I have this friend who is basically a good person - fun, warm, generous, always pleased to see me and has been there in the past in a crisis.

She has a habit of saying quite judgemental things about people's parenting decisions or lifestyle. About other people and about me too (to my face). Usually delivered with a big bright smile as if it's a joke.

Don't want to give lots of examples which could be identifying, but along the lines of 'Shop bought birthday cake!? Really?!' She once called my potty training method 'a bit Rab C Nesbitt'. A gazillion other examples.

I am not immune to the odd judgey thought myself - not proud of it and trying to do better (& would be absolutely mortified to say one of these thoughts out loud!) so I do know that the urge to judge often comes from our own insecurities. As a result am trying to be kind and not let it get to me.

DH is someone who reacts more to tone of voice and facial expression than content, so when she says (big smile) 'haha, your house is so dirty!!' he can't see what my problem is.

I think this tends to make the experience of seeing her more stressful because I can't debrief with him afterwards (or have a quick 'glance of solidarity' during a visit.)

I'd love to be able to think, 'meh, whatever, water off duck's back, that comment says more about her than me' etc etc and get on with enjoying the things I like about her.

But I'm struggling not to feel irked/hurt/stressed by her and tbh this results in me avoiding her.

AIBU?

Mrs Hathaway she is often lovely, and says supportive things as well, otherwise I don't think I'd be friends with her. But tbh the judgmental comments do get to me, even when they're not aimed at me. Just all makes me feel a bit on edge.

And often, after I spend time with her I feel worse about myself than usual. Like I'll be pootling along thinking I'm doing just fine in my life, enjoying my job and kids and whatever. Then I'll go for a drink with her, and I'll come home feeling like a bit of an embarrassing loser / bad mum / etc, etc

I'd just keep pulling her up
"You know that sounds really insulting"
"Did u mean that to.come.out so bitchy"
And see how long it takes her to realise your not taking her barbs

My sister does this, almost always in front of other people and it's always in a laughing joking kind of way but it feels awful having someone always put you down and it's 'just a joke'.
For me, I used to just excuse it as her being her. Now I deliberately see a lot less of her. If she wasn't family, I wouldn't see her at all. Life's too short to spend time with people who think little digs at you are funny or acceptable.

Gosh in that case I really think you should tell her, in exactly those words. You obviously like each other, but spending time with her makes you feel shitty. Any good friend would want to know that so they could modify their behaviour, surely? Even if she thought you were being oversensitive or precious (you aren't) she would be able to think "Apple doesn't like this kind of joke, so I won't make it when she's around".