Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider reporting this couple (for support)?

50 replies

OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 09:57

Hi.
I know a couple reasonably well.
They are a young lady (who works full time) and a young man (who doesn't work right now).
She is around 4.5 months pregnant. They are very nice people and they live with her grandmother as they ended up in a bit of a financial state, Their issues got them into debt etc which meant they became overwhelmed and lost their grip on things, lost their rented home (this was a year ago)
I've been concerned for them for several reasons
She doesn't make much, around minimum wage. Yet they spend about $1000-1500 a month on drugs (cannabis) they smoke such a huge amount... I see no issue with cannabis but it worries me that they not only smoke huge amounts (which seems to hinder their finances) they seem to be unable to function go to work/get out of bed without smoking weed first. I'd worry about them if this was alcohol etc instead it's not just because it's cannabis if you know what I mean.

They seem to be sinking financially they have 5 pets (birds cats and a dog).
They don't pay rent at their grandmas house.
They are incredibly dirty too (to the point that grandma sometimes runs out of plates and cups and food in their room goes moldy Envy not envy) which worries me as I don't want the child in this situation to suffer

She is paid weekly and 3-4 days into her pay period they often have run out of pet food and are living on cheap noodles or food from her grandmas cupboard, don't have petrol for their car and can't pay their recharge on their mobiles.

The woman in this couple made the decision when she found out she was pregnant that she was going to stop buying cannabis and just let him smoke what they had left. The next time I saw them they were on the balcony smoking a bong. This worries me greatly as she made the decision to stop doing something as it wasn't worth the health risks (I've never looked into the risk of smoking in pregnancy so I couldn't tell you what the risks are) and she wanted to save money for the birth of their baby.
This was a while ago now (when she first discovered she was pregnant) and I know they are still buying it in big quantities.
They sometimes ask me for money and i have bought them food and fuel before. The money they ask for is always very small amounts and paid back on time so I know it's not going on cannabis but I feel they need this help because of the cannabis.
What can I do?
Would you recommend reporting them to child services?
I don't want them to lose their baby to social services I just want them to get help but I don't know where to turn with this. I've had concerns for a long time but I just ignored it mostly and felt a bit sad for them but now there is a baby involved Sad

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 15/07/2017 10:36

Of course you phone SS. It's the right thing to do. And the police, cannabis is illegal. Sounds horrible.

user1493413286 · 15/07/2017 10:42

Reporting them sounds like the right thing to do for the baby's sake; what happens from then is their choice and it's not your fault if they can't sort themselves out for the baby.

Saiman · 15/07/2017 10:44

Yanbu to report them

MissionItsPossible · 15/07/2017 10:48

I will hold my hands up, I smoke weed now and then but NOT to the extent of 1000 dollars a month, nowhere near and definitely not before I get up and have to go to work or any day that I know I have to be somewhere or do something or meet someone. I also don't have a family to look after and am not pregnant. This sounds insane. How do you know this couple by the way, do you work with the woman? How long has the guy been off work for?

My gut says straight away absolutely do it but then I think of what if the child is taken away and all parties involved get their lives destroyed and as consequence they fall further into a pit when they could have cleaned their act up when the baby came. But then again, if they care that little that he is smoking around someone who is pregnant and she is smoking while pregnant I very much doubt that they will suddenly miraculously change once the baby comes.

Do it. It's the right thing.

Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 10:56

I know them very well they're related to me.
He's been off work for just over a year.
To reiterate it's not the fact it's cannabis that bothers me it's the way they use it and the amount, and also that she made a sensible decision and then seems unable to follow through with it. I don't know what changed but it concerns me very much.
I don't think I'd phone the police re cannabis use but I am strongly considering reporting them to SS.
I'm worried they'll find out it was me and hate me, but then I wonder if it's worth it if it keeps their unborn dc save

OP posts:
Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 10:56

Safe*

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/07/2017 11:01

Tbh, i'd rather them fall out with me knowing their child will be safe

Please report them

MissionItsPossible · 15/07/2017 11:06

OhHolyHell

It doesn't matter that it's weed, as you say it's the excess. If I saw parents to an unborn child having a glass of wine it would be nothing but if I saw parents to an unborn child necking back three bottles of wine every night then I'd take issue. 1000+ dolllars a month on weed is a huge amount even to someone who isn't pregnant and I'm surprised she has even got a job and can function and do well at it smoking that amount.

She made a sensible decision and can't follow through with it because she is probably addicted. Or that she enjoys doing it, which would be fine if 1 she wasn't carrying a helpless person inside of her, 2 that they were spending that much on it and 3 if they weren't dependent on living with the grandmother and borrowing money off you and who knows who else.

In all honesty I don't know what the police or social services would do though? If you ring social and say a child is in danger and they ask how old are they and you say they aren't born yet, what are they going to do? Give her a stern telling off? Put her in prison? They may well keep her on some sort of list to monitor the child once born which is good but they are there to protect children, they can't protect a child that isn't there, if you see what I mean? But I still think you should. Maybe wait until after the baby is born and then voice your concerns to them.

zzzzz · 15/07/2017 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouHotel · 15/07/2017 11:11

Report. SS are not babysnatchers they will first try to work with the couple. If she is heavily smoming weed in pregnancy her midwife needs go be aware for the protection of mother and unborn baby. I doubt your relative has been truthful in her antenatal appointments.

MissionItsPossible · 15/07/2017 11:12

Can I ask why not? It seems a reasonable google opportunity given your concerns.

The OP doesn't even have to Google it it is plain common sense! The woman is smoking drugs whilst pregnant. Everyone of sound mind knows that's wrong. I know of someone who smokes it because they suffer from MS and in pain a lot and relieved the pain factor. But they gave up completely throughout two pregnancies and until both were at school age

stealtheatingtunnocks · 15/07/2017 11:15

So, it's a couple who are unable to manage their finances, their diet or their time who are nice people and expecting their first baby?

Phone SS, they just need some help, that's what SS are there for.

Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 11:15

mission
It's also prescribed in some countries by doctors to help with hypremisis and morning sickness... there are arguments for and against and it's not something I've ever delved too far into as 1. Didn't even smoke tobacco while pregnant let alone anything else. 2. It's not for me to look at the for and against, research (which changes all the time) and decide what's best. It isn't my body and it isn't my baby, so I see no reason to look into it.
It's the inability to function without it and excess that concerns me rather than cannabis in itself as a pp says I'd have the same concerns about someone going through bottles and bottles of alcohol.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 11:18

Will be reporting to ss. I don't want them to be hurt or lose their baby to ss etc I know they'd only do the latter if they were given chances to change offers of help etc and didn't improve so it would be for the best I don't think they're baby snatchers or anything.

I guess I'd just feel horrible if anything bad happened to them but I suppose if they're offered help and refuse it the baby must come first. Sad situation but reporting is all I can do. Thanks mn.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 15/07/2017 11:22

It's also prescribed in some countries by doctors to help with hypremisis and morning sickness... there are arguments for and against

I am not a doctor so cannot verify if that is true but I would bet my life that they wouldn't recommend spending and smoking 1000 dollars worth a month to help with those symptoms. Not a chance. (Btw I'm not the one who said look into and research it - I am completely with you on this issue)

zzzzz · 15/07/2017 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scoobydoo1971 · 15/07/2017 11:26

Call social services children's department to express your concerns. It is a safeguarding inquiry for the baby, and a section 17 child in need inquiry since the baby is at risk of neglect arising from parents using money for drugs not nappies. Additionally grandmother may be vulnerable if she is forced to live in terrible conditions. Furthermore, call the RSPCA to express concern about the pets. What a dreadful situation for all concerned. Official agency involvement may make the mother realise what harm she is doing choosing such a lifestyle.

RebootYourEngine · 15/07/2017 11:28

You say that you dont want them to lose their baby but what about the baby? Doesnt it deserve a good upbringing. Doesnt it deserve to be cared for. Doesnt it deserve to be loved.

This couple should not be allowed to care for this baby. Report them to ss and do it soon.

Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 11:38

Reboot
Surely there is a different option?
I'm reporting them in hopes a way (ie they change once baby is here if not sooner) is found. I don't think they're in the right place to raise the baby if things don't change but I'd rather see them change than lose their child.

OP posts:
Kursk · 15/07/2017 11:47

OP Is weed legal in your state?

SealSong · 15/07/2017 11:55

Are you in the USA , OP?

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2017 11:56

Blimey, exactly how much does weed cost in your country OP?

I can't imagine anyone being able to plough through one and a half thousand dollars of it every month, even if it is shared between two.

Birdsgottaf1y · 15/07/2017 11:56

Definitely report.

There is probably a level of elder financial abuse going on, as well.

They all need support.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/07/2017 12:01

Where are you in the US?
Some states heavily punish drug use. I don't think long prison sentences would be positive for anyone.

ShmooBooMoo · 15/07/2017 12:03

They don't sound 'very nice' to me, OP. Sound like a couple of selfish, lazy, entitled freeloaders! The poor gran, the poor baby and the poor pets. Please report! The gran may be feeling intimidated and stuck with the situation, the poor baby...! and the pets should not be left starving for days at a time. Gran, baby and pets need support....the other two just need to stop being selfish bastards and get their acts together.