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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider reporting this couple (for support)?

50 replies

OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 09:57

Hi.
I know a couple reasonably well.
They are a young lady (who works full time) and a young man (who doesn't work right now).
She is around 4.5 months pregnant. They are very nice people and they live with her grandmother as they ended up in a bit of a financial state, Their issues got them into debt etc which meant they became overwhelmed and lost their grip on things, lost their rented home (this was a year ago)
I've been concerned for them for several reasons
She doesn't make much, around minimum wage. Yet they spend about $1000-1500 a month on drugs (cannabis) they smoke such a huge amount... I see no issue with cannabis but it worries me that they not only smoke huge amounts (which seems to hinder their finances) they seem to be unable to function go to work/get out of bed without smoking weed first. I'd worry about them if this was alcohol etc instead it's not just because it's cannabis if you know what I mean.

They seem to be sinking financially they have 5 pets (birds cats and a dog).
They don't pay rent at their grandmas house.
They are incredibly dirty too (to the point that grandma sometimes runs out of plates and cups and food in their room goes moldy Envy not envy) which worries me as I don't want the child in this situation to suffer

She is paid weekly and 3-4 days into her pay period they often have run out of pet food and are living on cheap noodles or food from her grandmas cupboard, don't have petrol for their car and can't pay their recharge on their mobiles.

The woman in this couple made the decision when she found out she was pregnant that she was going to stop buying cannabis and just let him smoke what they had left. The next time I saw them they were on the balcony smoking a bong. This worries me greatly as she made the decision to stop doing something as it wasn't worth the health risks (I've never looked into the risk of smoking in pregnancy so I couldn't tell you what the risks are) and she wanted to save money for the birth of their baby.
This was a while ago now (when she first discovered she was pregnant) and I know they are still buying it in big quantities.
They sometimes ask me for money and i have bought them food and fuel before. The money they ask for is always very small amounts and paid back on time so I know it's not going on cannabis but I feel they need this help because of the cannabis.
What can I do?
Would you recommend reporting them to child services?
I don't want them to lose their baby to social services I just want them to get help but I don't know where to turn with this. I've had concerns for a long time but I just ignored it mostly and felt a bit sad for them but now there is a baby involved Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 12:03

Couldn't tell you how much it costs per gram or ounce or whatever but I know they smoke over a gram per day between them, sometimes 2.
I don't know who smokes more or whatever/what kind of split it us. But I know they buy lots of it, and know roughly what they spend.
I'm not in the USA.
Weed isn't legal as such but using (as opposed to dealing) of it isn't on police radar as such anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 12:04

The pets aren't left to starve by the way they are healthy and happy, but they borrow money (and in fairness where I'm concerned, pay it back) to feed them. Sorry for not explaining that.

OP posts:
Berylliuum · 15/07/2017 12:05

Cripes OP. You need to ask? Of course it wouldn't be unreasonable to consider reporting, more so if you didn't.

BarbarianMum · 15/07/2017 12:19

You don't want them to lose the baby? You think that it would be better off being raised in filth and chaos by a couple of drug addicts?

Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 12:20

No Barbarian I'm hoping the two aren't mutually exclusive. As I've already said I think it'd be much better for them to get appropriate help and change and then raise their baby.
I don't want them to raise their baby in squalor but I don't want to see them lose their baby either.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 15/07/2017 12:21

Where are you then? As you said dollars.

Original poster
OhHolyHell · 15/07/2017 12:23

itsbetter
Lots of countries use dollars.
The currency in this country is dollar. It's still not the USA Hmm I'd rather not give my location, unless it's particularly relevant to the situation. Is there a reason you're asking?

OP posts:
Berylliuum · 15/07/2017 12:25

These places are not child snatchers, OP (I know you haven't said that). All efforts will be made to keep the baby with the parents, unless the situation is particularly bad. Taking children permanently is usually a last resort, so please don't worry. They need support, certainly.

Are you in the UK?

Berylliuum · 15/07/2017 12:27

I'm asking about location as child protection policy and procedure can differ, according to country, and so posters can best advise you.

Bobbins43 · 15/07/2017 12:40

Maybe the child should be taken away rather than live with parents who prioritise cannabis over food?

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2017 12:43

Why are so many people really cagey about what country they're in, when they've name changed to start the thread anyway?

I just don't get it, because sometimes - yes it is relevant to the advice given Confused

missymayhemsmum · 15/07/2017 12:53

You are a famly member, presumably there are other family members who care about the couple, the unborn baby and the grandmother. The family needs to intervene and get this couple to get help to deal with their cannabis addiction and start behaving like decent parents. Or you will involve the authorities. It may be that the girl needs to be persuaded to ditch her boyfriend unless he stops smoking and gets a job, as he's a bad influence on her, and she'll need to choose between him and her baby.

Disillusionedone · 15/07/2017 13:00

To be honest so what if they hate you. They sound like selfish wastes of space.

Disillusionedone · 15/07/2017 13:04

Maybe australia

itsbetterthanabox · 15/07/2017 13:11

Because as others have said many times it makes a huge difference in the impact this will have on the family.
In the USA it could mean long prison sentences. In the U.K. It would mean they probably did nothing but could mean the family had some help.
It makes a difference.

RiseToday · 15/07/2017 13:17

If you are correct in what you're saying and they are really spending up to 1500 dollars per month on weed, that would equate to more than an ounce per week, which is a ridiculously large amount. I would struggle to see how someone could get through that much!

RiseToday · 15/07/2017 13:21

To put it in perspective, a good friend of mine buys an ounce for around £250 and it lasts her about two months. She smokes every day.

In your case, if these people are getting through an ounce each week then they have a spectacular drug habit and yes should probably be reported!

zzzzz · 15/07/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparechange · 15/07/2017 13:30

It's not going to be Singapore given the OP has said the police turn a blind eye to weed!

Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 13:52

I would be more worried that they just will not cope with the reality and the cost of a new baby in among the filth, weed or no weed. Is grandmother going to be left with a newborn most of the time? Someone upthread mentioned a family intervention, that sounds like the best idea to me and if no changes report to SS.

RebootYourEngine · 16/07/2017 08:57

OhHolyHell do you think that they would change if ss were involved?

Original poster
OhHolyHell · 16/07/2017 09:43

Reboot I've no idea. I'd like to think yes, but I truly have no idea Sad
To aid advice I'm in Australia (laws vary by state so to aid any advice I'm in SA)
Though I don't think how much it is in other currencies is relevant tbh. Exchange rates mean naff all unless you're holidaying or moving to a country. Simply because once you earn in that countries currency (as you would if you lived there and yes bought weed there while doing so) it all becomes irrelevant.
To help you guys realise the scale of spending now that I've made my point re currency exchange being a bit pointless,
Minimum wage here is (based on a 35hr work week) roughly $600ish a week. Obviously this can go up and down based on penalty rates and age.
I know she earns around $600 a week (net) working over 40hrs.
Which makes the $1000-$1500 per month very very problematic. Just so you realise the scale of the spending, it's around half to over half of their total monthly income....

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 17/07/2017 11:48

Have you decided what to do?

You are right to be concerned.

brasty · 17/07/2017 12:42

In Britain I would say report this to SS. In the States I would be much more circumspect. Some States provide no help to keep families together and help them deal with their problems, and instead just take children into very unregulated foster care.

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