Possible trigger re abusive family member

[potatoecakes]

Hi all, I've not posted much on MN so apologies if I'm not up on all the etiquette! I've also named changed for this post. Basically, my Mil's partner has a history of being on sex offenders register. When dh told me about this I was pregnant with our first child. He didn't know all of the details to tell me and I didn't push to know. Mil suggested that her partner never be alone with the grandchildren and if she ever had them overnight at hers that he stays elsewhere. Fast forward a few years, we now have 2 dcs, and her partner is never alone with the dcs and mostly when mil sees them he's not there but sometimes at family gatherings etc he will be. He has a good relationship with his own children and has grandchildren. Recently mil broke it off with him, and dh and I found ourselves feeling massively relieved that we didn't have to have him in our lives again. A few months down the line, they got back together. I found myself wanting to know exactly what had happened in his past, so I told dh to ask mil. The truth is much worse that I'd anticipated, involving systematic abuse of a child over a long period followed by a prison sentence, around 25 years ago. I feel totally appalled and basically don't ever want to see this man again. I certainly don't want my dcs in the same room as him. Aibu to want no further contact? I feel so stupid for not pushing for details sooner, but have no doubt that my dcs have been safe. I just don't want him in our lives at all, and feel way out of my depth with this one. Thanks so much if you've managed to get this far.

Op have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar?

Cut all contact with both. I couldn't knowingly be in the same room as either of them. Abusers fony need to be alone to do harm. I'm talking from experience.

I would've cut her off the second she brought this piece of scum into her life. MIL clearly doesn't have the best decision making abilities and I'd never trust anything she said or did after that. There's no way I'd have anything to do with a pedophile or the people/person who've willingly brought them into their lives. I'm shocked you even go anywhere near him, let alone let your DC be around him, supervised or not.

There is no doubt that I'd go NC with both of them now.

Definitely would cut contact. Protecting your children is more important than sparing your MIL feelings

May I ask why you didn't cut contact as soon as you realised he was a sex offender?

OK so there is no changing that you didn't find out the details previously, what's done is done. Now you know however please do not be complacent and remove contact

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. No I've never posted about this before. Please don't make me feel guilty about having been around this man in the past, I agree I should've found out all of the details straight away and I regret that. I agree, I really can't fathom why mil would want to be with this man. And I feel it's her that's made him kind of accepted accepted within the family. I feel he's a sick monster and want nothing to do with him. I don't ever want him in a room with our dcs. I am worried mil will hate me for this but this is the only option.

I am worried mil will hate me for this but this is the only option.

Who cares what MIL thinks? You should be hating HER.

She clearly condones his actions or she wouldn't be with him. She's nearly as sick as he is.

I think she's totally twisted for being with this man Emmy. I feel like I need to confront her about it. Dh has a very close relationship with her so it's tricky, but I feel she's been minimising this over the years.

What an awful story. I don't blame you one bit for being horrified, OP.

She's minimising his behaviour by not really talking about what he's done, by pretending he's fine around children so long as he's supervised. She's enabling him to establish a relationship with your children by doing this. Keep away from them both. No exceptions.

Thanks on the rise. I do feel so horrified and anxious. I'm lucky in that I've had a nice childhood myself and haven't had to deal with this kind of horribleness. Which in turn has maybe made me a little naive. But I completely blame myself for not digging deeper into this story beforehand. I have friends who've had their childhoods robbed by men like this and I can see how damaged they are as adults. I need to talk properly to dh about it today, but absolutely no contact.

YABU for putting your children at risk for all this time!!! What sort of a mother let's her children hang out with a child abuser or the partner of a child abuser? And people on Mumsnet are telling you not to blame yourself?!? This place gets crazier every day. You know you have been ridiculously stupid. You need to never see either of them again. If you mil properly leaves him then maybe reconsider. But how can you ever trust a women who can over look a man's past abusing of CHILD and be with him? How could toy ever be sure she would deliver your children up for him to abuse? Social services needs to be involved in my opinion.

Wow... loads of errors in typing there... I raged typed as this has made me feel sick.

You should never have allowed your kids anywhere near that man. Even supervised, people like that are clever and quick. All it takes is for someone to look away for a second.

And your MIL knew what he'd done?? I'd seriously have to question how safe kids are around someone who is willingly with someone like that. She clearly has no problem with what he has done.

I'd also be speaking to the police to see what else there is. I'll bet you've not been told everything. Are there any other kids in the family who's parents need to be aware?

I wonder if he's actually allowed that level of contact with children anyway? Even his partner doesn't trust him not to abuse children given the chance, hence the no sleep over rule.

Its baffling that so many adults agreed to this set up, with everyone involved accepting he can't be left alone with their children!?

Cut all contact with a clear conscience op, any right thinking parent would do the same, if mil doesn't like it, tough shit, that's what you get for dating a peado.

He's got grand children watching who's parents also seem to be ok with him having access, worrying.

You're right deluded, and I feel dreadful for not digging deeper. I'm trying to focus on the future now but I will always regret having any contact with him, although it's been minimal. I don't understand why he's being able to live a relatively normal life, and want to speak to police/social workers etc.

I'm with youaredeluded!
How could you hear that he was on the sex offenders register and not ask the question?

What has happened that you have now opened your eyes?? Because I doubt this new found zeal to contact social services etc springs from wanting to keep your children safe. You were happy to put them in 'minimal' danger since they were born.

Everyone around the OP was telling her it would be ok, and that there was nothing to make a fuss about.

She was naive in trusting them but they were her husband, her mother in law... and she has no experience of how abusive/dysfunctional families behave, so she just didn't know. She trusted them. They manipulated her.

Yes, she should have asked more questions. Yes, she should have prevented him having contact with her children. But blaming HER for that now is not going to help, or change anything.

The people who knew his background should have said to her, "He's a child abuser. Keep your children well away." Instead they told her, "We'll keep an eye on your children and keep them safe. Don't worry."

There are lots of people to blame here, but I think the OP is well towards the end of the queue.

As I said the contact we've had with this man over the years has been minimal, and the dcs have never been alone with him. I still hate the fact that myself and dh have let him even be in the same room as him though. I've posted because I just feel so horrified and a little out of my depth. But I or the dcs will never see him again. The details I was told by dh originally were that he'd had thoughts of a sexual nature towards girls, and he'd told professionals/social services etc and shown remorse blah blah. What I feel dreadful about was that dh wasn't 100% sure about the details and I should've pushed to find out more, instead of going along with the minimal contact/no contact alone plan that mil had put in place. Apparently this was all agreed with social services at the time 25 odd years ago. I'm furious with her for not telling me more and with myself for not digging deeper. I do feel manipulated/naive, but on the other hand I'm a reasonable intelligent educated person. What prompted me to ask more was the relief I felt when they broke up recently, and when I heard they were getting back together I felt worried....and concerned about what caused the spilt.

Abusive people gaslight and manipulate those around them. It sounds to me as though that's what's happened here. I am not sure I believe the stuff you've been told about what was agreed with social services all those years ago--not that I believe you're lying to us, but I don't think you've been told the truth there. Because it sounds so very bizarre.

I don't blame you for being furious with them all. But don't blame yourself: you did what you thought best at the time and now you know better, you'll do better.

In your position I would now get in touch with social services and tell them what's happened, and ask for more information. Because you only have your MIL's word for that, I think, and it might be useful to know the truth.

Hi op, my family are in a similar situation to you. My FIL is a convicted paedophile. When I found out I went NC and he will never see my children again. My DH was in denial for a long time and still has some contact, but understands that NC with the children is non negotiable. My BIL and SIL kids still have contact which horrifys me. I am painted as a drama queen as my FIL 'never raped anyone'!! Be prepared that some family members will pressure you and try to blame you for making a fuss. I always reply to these type of comments with how does contact benefit my kids.