Possible trigger re abusive family member

[potatoecakes]

Hi all, I've not posted much on MN so apologies if I'm not up on all the etiquette! I've also named changed for this post. Basically, my Mil's partner has a history of being on sex offenders register. When dh told me about this I was pregnant with our first child. He didn't know all of the details to tell me and I didn't push to know. Mil suggested that her partner never be alone with the grandchildren and if she ever had them overnight at hers that he stays elsewhere. Fast forward a few years, we now have 2 dcs, and her partner is never alone with the dcs and mostly when mil sees them he's not there but sometimes at family gatherings etc he will be. He has a good relationship with his own children and has grandchildren. Recently mil broke it off with him, and dh and I found ourselves feeling massively relieved that we didn't have to have him in our lives again. A few months down the line, they got back together. I found myself wanting to know exactly what had happened in his past, so I told dh to ask mil. The truth is much worse that I'd anticipated, involving systematic abuse of a child over a long period followed by a prison sentence, around 25 years ago. I feel totally appalled and basically don't ever want to see this man again. I certainly don't want my dcs in the same room as him. Aibu to want no further contact? I feel so stupid for not pushing for details sooner, but have no doubt that my dcs have been safe. I just don't want him in our lives at all, and feel way out of my depth with this one. Thanks so much if you've managed to get this far.

When I read what he's done my jaw dropped-what is your mil doing with him?!?

My grandfather was an abuser. I didn't find out until he died. Apparently they never left him alone with me. Except they did, in a crowded room, they didn't pay attention.
I knew, knew deep down that something was wrong when he would put his hand on my thigh or kiss my lips..but it was in view of everyone, and I didn't know his history, so instead I internalised it and was thoroughly ashamed of myself for thinking he was being inappropriate.

OP, how do you know your children have not been groomed or targeted by him already. These men are very cleverer and eroding boundaries very slowly and hiding in plain sight.

Forget the past, you can't change it now, but do not ever allow your children around him again.

Btw I now have no relationship with my parents because they failed to protect me.. even though they would say they always kept him away from me.

You must protect your children. Your dh duties lie with his wife and children, not his mother. Better to hurt you Mil feelings than risk your children being hurt. Cos you never, ever get over it. You never get over the betrayal of your own parents not protecting you.

Of course you feel horrified and out of your depth.

People you love and trust have normalised a situation that is really not normal at all. all of a sudden, you've had a sudden reality check and you can't quite believe what you're seeing.

That, I think, is not unusual with this sort of situation. Think about it for abuse to happen, there have to be a whole group of people around who - while not actually, consciously colluding, are colluding, through normalisation. I'm not saying abuse it happening right now (though I think we can all see how this situation would facilitate abuse), I'm saying that this situation of normalisation is a familiar one.

As previous poster said, expect a lot of resistance. Quite possibly from your dh, too. The situation has reached this point because many people have a vested interest in letting it (in order to not upset people, or acknowledge truths that are very uncomfortable). There is, for instance, a huge set of problems around your dh's relationship with his mother. There is also a huge set of issues around the fact the abuser has children of his own, and they have children.

I'm not surprised the convicted sex offender's children seek to normalise the situation. There are many, many reasons why this might be the case. For example, they had years of conditioning as children to normalise the unacceptable.

Don't blame yourself. You've been put under a lot of pressure to follow the rest of the group.

Thank you all so much for these replies, you don't know how much you're helping me to understand the situation with your objective view points. I will absolutely not negotiate on the no contact, ever. And dh is in agreement. Although the fall out in terms of his relationship with his mum is a worry. Thanks for those of you who have been in a similar situation and are sharing your stories, it helps so much.