AIBU to dread hearing from this friend?

[AnonymousUser7]

Ok. So I have known this friend since childhood. TBH, childhood nostalgia is probably the only thing we really have in common, as our lives have taken different trajectories. While I do care about her, sometimes I'm not sure I really like her as a person.

Her personality and views (think someone who believes everything they read in the Daily Mail) get on my nerves. I just have to grin and bear it when in her company (in the knowledge that it will soon be over).

She also doesn't understand me, she doesn't know what drives me or makes me tick, but in her head she thinks she can read me like a book. In fact she's just projecting herself and thinks (or wants to think) I'm exactly like her. It actually seems like she doesn't listen to me and only hears what she wants to hear.

I don't mean to be unkind, but she's basically an underachiever who takes no responsibility for her future. She dropped out of school, has worked in minimum wage jobs since her teens and has never moved out of her parents' house (now aged 39). Her parents pay for everything (including buying her a car!) and they don't ask for a contribution to the household. Meanwhile her feckless spending habits (junk she doesn't need and top-priced branded goods) mean she is regularly overdrawn.

She's always been like this and it hasn't bothered me before but some time ago we had an awkward one-sided conversation.

During a conversation about cost of living rising, bills etc. She was complaining about having no money and worrying about her lack of future prospects. I flippantly said I didn't know how I'd manage in the future either (I was just trying to make her feel better, if anything I was thinking more along the lines of future pension provisions). Somehow, in her head, she twisted this to mean that I had invited her to live with me when her parents pass away. I had suggested nothing of the sort. She completely ignored my tensed up expression and stunned silence, and started planning all the things she would do to my house, as though it belonged to her!!! She also made a weird confession that she's always had me in mind as someone she could rely on to go and live with!!!

Judging by the reaction from her parents, the next time I saw them, she had also shared this news with them. They now seem to think I'm going to look after their daughter when they pass away.

We haven't discussed this "future living arrangement" since the awkward conversation but the unspoken expectation is now hanging over me and is making me anxious about the future confrontation.

She has also started texting and emailing me more frequently than I find tolerable, trying to foster (or assuming) a closeness in our relationship that just isn't there.

Even during times when I don't hear from her, I sometimes fret about when the next communication will arrive.

The advice I might give to someone in such a situation would be just to have it out and be honest with the person, but the problem is I'm just not that close or comfortable enough with her to take this approach. Even if I could confront her, I don't think I can express in this post how delusional she can be - she would only hear what she wanted to hear.

I want to be able to stop worrying about this, to be able to cast it from my mind as though it never happened. I want to be able to get rid of this expectation that's hanging over me. I hate the fact that she thinks she can rely on me to provide a roof over her head, and that she thinks it's a completely normal thing to do. I have my own life to live and my own future which doesn't include her coming to live with me.

AIBU to find her unreasonable? How can I stop feeling annoyed about this?

Well that is completely nutty! What a corker of a friend you have there

Obviously you know the most sensible thing to do would be to tell her that actually she won't be coming to live with you, at all, ever. But to be honest, I'd probably just block and run. Though if you're likely to bump in to her then that could cause some issues.

Oof. Good luck!

Does she have special needs or some other kind of issue, OP? Do you have a partner/family?

The very next time she mentions living with you, you need to firmly nip this in the bud. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she will not be living with you. Ever. And it's unfortunate if she had the impression otherwise. Aside from that, I think you should very deliberately distance yourself from her and end the relationship. She is not your friend, you have nothing in common, and you don't even like her. You are not responsible for her life so don't feel at all guilty.

Erm... run!

You can't go back to when this never happened so you have to tell her. And stop seeing her so much at all life is too short

"Dear Deluded,

Your last few emails/letter/phone calls have caused me a bit of distress. I'm concerned that somehow you and your parents have gotten the mistaken impression that I offered you a place live when your parents pass away. I really need to correct this misunderstanding with you. Living with me will not be possible.

Sincerely
Anon"

You really, really need to get this straightened out. Not only for your peace of mind but so that this friend can make other arrangements before her parents die and she's left with her suitcase packed and nowhere to live. This may end your friendship but it sounds to me as if it's not a real valuable friendship to you anyway.

God, what a mess this has turned out to be. You simply Have to tell her in language she can understand that " no, you are not going to live with me" and then move away preferably to Outer Mongolia.

Why not tell her that actually, you run a high-quality brothel from your home, and are always on the look-out for new talent.

or even better, an S&M dungeon. When can she start?

Won't she own her parents house or inherit a share when they both pass away?

I think you just need to start being honest and blunt with her. Contradict her when she comes out with DM bullshit.Tell her she won't be living with you!

OP, you need to talk some sense into her.

Are you married? Do you have children?

youvve to tell her and then forget it.simply as that yet hard as that too.but possible.your overthinking because ur a kind and good person so that all you have to tell yourself.
but in no way does kindness have to act in taking someone in you don't even like that much.
take responsibility of yourself not her or how she takes things.but whilst there are grey areas you will cnostnatly have the niggle and sick feeling on the back of you every day.
it will feel shit when you first say it.but that feeling I promise you will pass.it might come back in the odd wave of guilt or thought.but thoughts always always change.and u no ur doing the right thing being honest now.
tell her perhaps her parents mentioned about the living arrangement and you needed to come and be honest and tell her this couldn't be the case.that a way to bring it up.be honest saying it wont be happening.
if she blows up or take its wrong then youll both get over it.it will hurt you maybe but because ur a GOOD PERSON.but again thiswill pass and time will go on for the both of you.but you will I know it feel better and less weighted for getting it off ur chest and constant thoughts.
every time you think "but what if " say to your STOP.STOP OVERTHINKING THIS.STOP REELING OFF WHAT IFF STORIES AND DO IT your brain is going into flight mode now of what iffs and how to do this but you just have to.the stories and reels in ur head aren't true,cant predict the future.so go for it.and then breeaaaathe and think thanks goodness ive been honest
or even send a letter.
email.

Next time she brings it up, you laugh, as if she was joking. Then you say something along the lines of "Hang on, were you actually being serious? Don't be so fucking ridiculous".

She has clearly got several screws loose, though, so you'd probably be better off just cutting off all contact, especially as you don't actually even like her.

I have a friend SO like this! I put a lot of distance between us.

I actually really sympathize with you OP. I had something a bit similar happen to me when a couple of years ago I told a friend of mine that one day I would quite like to run my own B&B. Bearing in mind this is something I quite fancy doing but nothing like a lifelong ambition of mine, or backed up with any sort of plan as to how to achieve this - it was just a throwaway remark one day, like oooh wouldn't it be nice to run my own a B&B one day...
A couple of weeks later she rang me and told me she had thought about this and that she was prepard to do this with me, had started to look at potential properties, would be able to invest x amount of cash and how long did I think it would take me until I could quit my current job and go into business? I didn't quite know what to say! She had obviously spent many hours planning this whole venture out and felt so passionate about it she started crying while she told me about it!
I didn't know what to say! The sad thing is that we have been friends since we were kids and that even though we are at completely different stages in life (me married with three kids and a job I love, her long-term single, no kids and doing an artistic-type job she is passionate about but that has very little prospect of becoming a great success) I am still quite close to her and I knew that she saw this as her escape route from a life she didn't feel happy in. I felt awful taking this away from her but in the end I gently told her that even though I quite liked the idea I didn't really see myself doing this sort of thing for many years, if at all! She was devastated.
Since then, while she did let go of the B&B idea, this phantasie has somehow led her to the idea how great it would be if she moved in with me/us, or at least very near us. She currently lives in a different country to us (my birth country) and is very dependant on her mum, and it is clear that I would be taking over the role of parent, just as I do now when she comes to visit us. It's very difficult as I know she is so unhappy and I don't want to add to this unhappiness by telling her outright that this would never happen! So I usually either sort of laugh it off when she starts mentioning it, sort of "haha yes, just imagine, this is the sort of thing we would have planned to do when we were kids", or change the subject, or try and suggest other, much more exciting things she could do with her life. I think it would be easier if she just asked me outright, but she doesn't. She just drops hints or pretends she is joking, but I know if I had a spare room she would have knocked on my door with her bags packed a long time ago.
I think your saving grace here is that you don't really like her or value the friendship anyway. So I think your best options are either to send an email/text as suggested by Acrossthepond , or start mentioning that you have decided to sell up and emigrate/go traveling/live in a caravan or whatever in the future. Describe your plans in great detail so that she realises these plans do not involve her! Or just generally start letting the friendship slide: take ages to reply to texts, become not available to meet up, until eventually contact seizes. Good luck!

Run for the hills. You have three choices. 1) Never speak to her again. 2) tell her it is never going to happen. She may be angry, but that isn't your problem. 3) dread her every call and message until her parents die. Then tell her. You will spend years agonising over it and she will be mad.

Option 3 is ridiculous. So pick one or two. Good luck.

Wow, lack of boundaries!

I had a friend like this. Please note the 'had'. You need to cut her off. People like this don't change and will always look for substitute people to look after them with both time and money.

My advice is to send her and her parents an email or letter (by recorded delivery) clearly stating that you did not invite her to come and live with you etc. and that she was only hearing what she wanted to hear.

I would then have no contact with her what so ever. Block her number etc and move forward without her in your life and do not think about her at all.

I would do this now so that you do not have this hanging over your head. She is not your responsibility

I had a friend exactly the same , haven't spoken to her for years after I realised she was making me anxious , angry and depressed.

Won't she own her parents house or is it rented? They haven't done her any favours. I take it she's an only child?

To soften the blow I think I'd go with
"When your parents die ill be willing to help you live independently and get the help you need to stand on your own two but I'm afraid I'm not able to commit to you living with me. You clearly misunderstood me"

I had a friend very similar albeit thankfully without the wanting to live with me thing. Eventually she stressed me so much I just let rip. I tried backing off sloly and gently, but never managed it before. I'm not proud of how it ended. But I am so happy it ended.

The joy of being able to hear your phone make a noise and not panic is amazing.