AIBU to dread hearing from this friend?

[AnonymousUser7]

Ok. So I have known this friend since childhood. TBH, childhood nostalgia is probably the only thing we really have in common, as our lives have taken different trajectories. While I do care about her, sometimes I'm not sure I really like her as a person.

Her personality and views (think someone who believes everything they read in the Daily Mail) get on my nerves. I just have to grin and bear it when in her company (in the knowledge that it will soon be over).

She also doesn't understand me, she doesn't know what drives me or makes me tick, but in her head she thinks she can read me like a book. In fact she's just projecting herself and thinks (or wants to think) I'm exactly like her. It actually seems like she doesn't listen to me and only hears what she wants to hear.

I don't mean to be unkind, but she's basically an underachiever who takes no responsibility for her future. She dropped out of school, has worked in minimum wage jobs since her teens and has never moved out of her parents' house (now aged 39). Her parents pay for everything (including buying her a car!) and they don't ask for a contribution to the household. Meanwhile her feckless spending habits (junk she doesn't need and top-priced branded goods) mean she is regularly overdrawn.

She's always been like this and it hasn't bothered me before but some time ago we had an awkward one-sided conversation.

During a conversation about cost of living rising, bills etc. She was complaining about having no money and worrying about her lack of future prospects. I flippantly said I didn't know how I'd manage in the future either (I was just trying to make her feel better, if anything I was thinking more along the lines of future pension provisions). Somehow, in her head, she twisted this to mean that I had invited her to live with me when her parents pass away. I had suggested nothing of the sort. She completely ignored my tensed up expression and stunned silence, and started planning all the things she would do to my house, as though it belonged to her!!! She also made a weird confession that she's always had me in mind as someone she could rely on to go and live with!!!

Judging by the reaction from her parents, the next time I saw them, she had also shared this news with them. They now seem to think I'm going to look after their daughter when they pass away.

We haven't discussed this "future living arrangement" since the awkward conversation but the unspoken expectation is now hanging over me and is making me anxious about the future confrontation.

She has also started texting and emailing me more frequently than I find tolerable, trying to foster (or assuming) a closeness in our relationship that just isn't there.

Even during times when I don't hear from her, I sometimes fret about when the next communication will arrive.

The advice I might give to someone in such a situation would be just to have it out and be honest with the person, but the problem is I'm just not that close or comfortable enough with her to take this approach. Even if I could confront her, I don't think I can express in this post how delusional she can be - she would only hear what she wanted to hear.

I want to be able to stop worrying about this, to be able to cast it from my mind as though it never happened. I want to be able to get rid of this expectation that's hanging over me. I hate the fact that she thinks she can rely on me to provide a roof over her head, and that she thinks it's a completely normal thing to do. I have my own life to live and my own future which doesn't include her coming to live with me.

AIBU to find her unreasonable? How can I stop feeling annoyed about this?

Agree with everyone else. You need to tell her straight and also her parents. Make it very clear to all of them.

Lie down, close your eyes, imagine how life would feel if she was not in your life. Feel good, right? Ignore the guilt. Sit with it. Cut her off. If you don't, you are enabling her.

I would be a wuss and go with the email too. Take some time to write it so she can be under no illusions that it isn't happening then leave it in your drafts until the next comment or call or text comes from her that suggests she is still delusional and then hit send and step back. She will probably gave a melt down which will enable you to step back and walk away or she will accept it and your anxiety will go.

I suspect the former.

Wow, I could have written your OP. I have a friend that has spent money like water all her life, has cashed in all her pensions so they are spent too, has slightly laughed at me when we are out as I am frugal and have saved all my life even to the point when we were out once and I bought some minced beef and she said she has never eaten minced meat in her life (basically saying she has only eaten steak) which I believe having seen her groceries being delivered but in fact everything she has is on tick and she's in massive debt.
She latched on to some friends a couple of years ago and told me she was going to be moving in with them as they had bought a property with a small house in the grounds. I asked them if this was true and it clearly was not true and they detached slowly until it was obvious to friend it wasn't going to happen. She then said, 'Oh I will move in with you when the lease is up, you have plenty of room' (she is living under a lease her father paid for when he was alive) I just laughed but she has taken the lack of a firm no as a yes. I am now gradually detaching but I am actually going to have a word with her at the weekend and put her straight as she is telling others that "Shize has gone weird". I have to tell her because she is already terrible with money but if she thinks she has a safety net with me, she will spend even more!

I am forced to sound like I am being unpleasant due to her making huge assumptions. This seems to be the way the world works now though. Person A is rude to person B but when person B objects, person A complains that they have been upset.

Sorry, just realised it hasn't been mentioned since. Just hit Send now then. This must be really awful for you.

It had a friend that was a bit similar. I was planning to go travelling. She decided it was an invite. (Fine with it really). But she didn't want to go to S.E Asia, rather she wanted to stay in Europe it Australia.

She also needed longer than me o save some money. So I decided I was going to Asia regardless and would meet her after 6 months.

She said she wouldn't talk to me until I seen reason. She essentially expected us to "share our (my) money". I of course have not spoke to her since. It was a lucky escape.

In your case I think a bullet email stating the facts. So there can be no misunderstanding between you.

I don't mean to be unkind, but she's basically an underachiever who takes no responsibility for her future. She dropped out of school, has worked in minimum wage jobs since her teens and has never moved out of her parents' house (now aged 39)

What a bitchy and arrogant thing to say. Tell her ASAP - she's better off without a 'friend' like you. And I didn't think I'd ever feel sorry for a Daily Mail reader, but it wouldn't suprise me if you've just added that to make MN feel even more sorry for you.

This is really a problem of your own making. Why on earth didn't you stop her in her tracks the first? You now need to be cruel to be kind and spell it out clearly and unambiguously. Then call/visit her parents and do the same. Then cut her out of your life.

Send her an email explaining that she has the wrong end of the stick. End it by saying you'll understand if the friendship has to end because of this but there is no way you will be living with her in the future.

Just man up and rip the plaster off so to speak. If she never speaks to you again that's a win by the way she sounds.

Hang on, how old are her parents? Are they both dying? This could be a 20+ years away problem so I wouldn't lose too much sleep about it just yet.

Just tell her it's not happening next time she mentions it.

Just write a letter, an actual posted letter to her, and photocopy the letter to her parents.

Dear friend,
Please except my apologies for writing instead of just saying this to you, but I want to make clear my position without causing any offence.

I'm sorry if you planned to live with me in the future, that won't be happening.

Please don't bring it up again because my mind is made up. Thank you for your understanding.

Love always, from Mary

You need to detach for your own sanity. Being clear that you will not be providing for her future is likely to set that in motion anyway.

Friendship is a two-way process of respect and that's not happing here. To you its an old habit that you've outgrown and to her it's another comfort blanket to shelter her from independence.

The person I knew that was a bit like this had depression/ anxiety issues which was strongly connected with her behaviour. I remember when she announced that she was OK for life because the split from her mother's inheritance would cover her. She tended to be overbearing and would "helpfully" make plans on your behalf and come up with complex solutions to problems that never existed, confusing the original plan in the first place. Her intentions were well-motivated but she became a drain and contact ceased to be a pleasure. We gradually withdrew and contact fizzled. Another friend retained friendship and with the passage of time we can cross paths sporadically without too much awkwardness. Fortunately she seems to have stabilised in life, become more independent and got a sensible partner. Clinging on to dead wood friendships and being dependent on others inhibits that development.

I have other friends with similar issues in the background, but there's always that two-way spark of friendship and life feels better for knowing them despite their darker days.

I knew a girl like that, she just ploughed ahead with her plans and didn't care.
If you don't write the letter in black and white, then she will end up actually living with you. I think you know that and that's what is causing you stress.
If you don't put s stop to this now, however uncomfortable it feels, she will be moving in with you soon. Does that sound crazy? It is!

This parent dying thing is a load of rubbish, she is probably packing her bags now.

Do it. Write the letter. A stitch in time, saves nine. Good luck.

Wow, bloody hell OP, sometimes it sucks to be so British about things. I'm afraid I agree with other posters, your friend needs to be put straight sooner rather than later

Well it's kind of your own fault for maintaining a friendship with this woman. You clearly cannot stand her, why have you allowed this relationship to continue?

I'd personally go low contact with a view to completely cutting her out.

Unless her parents are planning to die at exactly the same time one will go years or months before the other.

At this point she'll have to support the other parent, perhaps grow up and be the adult in the family.
I wouldn't worry but if she brings it up again say 'You are joking arn't you? I don't think you'd want to live with me, I'm (insert thing you know she hates) and we'd fall out in a week'

Unless her parents are at deaths door you have some time to sort this out. Sounds as if, apart from chaotic lifestyle and some differing views, you quite like her but the 'thanks for the invite to live with you' has freaked you out.

You need to decide which you value more - peace of mind about future living arrangements or your friendship. If you're talking about an event 20/30 years in the future you've got time to sort it.

You must tell her, now: and her parents.

Whatever you do, don't assuage your guilt by helping her to find accommodation - that will become a giant albatross around your neck.

I think you'll need to cut contact once you've made your position clear. She's not much of a friend anyway: more a long time hanger on

What a bitchy and arrogant thing to say. Tell her ASAP - she's better off without a 'friend' like you. And I didn't think I'd ever feel sorry for a Daily Mail reader, but it wouldn't suprise me if you've just added that to make MN feel even more sorry for you.

Not at all. It is a truthful thing to say to describe someone who expects the world to owe them a living rather than taking any responsibility for themselves. Don't project your own feelings onto others.

Move house and change your number?

Olivia so people that work in jobs that pay the minimum wage expect the world to owe them a living? And anyone who objects to this way of thinking is projecting?

Thanks for the laugh!

Isn't there a thing called Wendy or goshted...that ..with bells on

You should have immediately nipped this in the bud. As much as she may be feckless with money and live with her parents and read the Mail It is really unkind and incredibly ungracious to be so scornful of someone who has spent a lifetime working in minimum wage jobs.

My sisters have spent a lifetime working in minimum wage jobs. I haven't and couldn't have a more different lifestyle. People make choices in life, have choices thrust upon them and have a capability level. Not everyone has a high flying career.

HoldBackTheRain The OP was not an abstract surmise on The State Of Britain Today, but a specific problem with one person. The OP's friend evidently does expect the world to provide her with a living, as she has no qualifications or ambitions, works for minimum wage and uses this money as her pocket money, as she is supported 100% by her parents, even to them point of them buying her car for her.

In this instance, it is completely relevant to the story (just as it would be if the OP's friend was an investment banker on six figures), and you are just choosing to put a snobbish spin on this sentence by taking it out of context.

The OP's friend expects the OP to pick up where her parents leave off when they die, and support her. That's the context.

AnonymousUser7 As you clearly don't like her, there's no particular reason for you to remain friends, or even in touch with her over the next 30 years before her parents could be reasonably thinking about departing this world, surely?

Maybe take this as the final push that gets you to drop her, as the friendship is clearly very one-sided.

All this "write a letter and send by recorded delivery" stuff is probably OTT. If you simply DON'T SEE HER for 30+ years, she is unlikely to rock up on your doorstep with all her worldly belongings in her late 60's, surely?

Although, you know, is she her parents' sole heir? Where does she live? If your private pension doesn't pan out, she might be coming in to a nice little house around your retirement age...