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AIBU?

Is it my fault that my husband is lazy and selfish? Or is it his?

34 replies

RosaDeZoett · 15/07/2017 01:37

Just that. I am exhausted from fighting every battle every day for a small bit of help. I do fucking everything, and he sighs in exasperation if I ask him to lift a finger. So I have a choice. Do it all myself and enable him to be a selfish prick. Or insist he helps and suffer the eye rolling and melodramatic sighs. Or leave.
If I don't insist all day every day is it actually my fault that I have to do everything??
Option 3 is obviously ltbSad

OP posts:
BunnyBunnyMooseMoose · 15/07/2017 01:40

Hey, you sound really down Flowers
What happens if you just stop doing everything?

RosaDeZoett · 15/07/2017 01:45

Thanks for replying bunny. I am really down. I'm thinking of leaving him but I'm worried for my kids, mostly mental welfare, I am financially independent. I'm going to bed now, but thanks for the reply. It's a difficult decision but I think I'm nearly there

OP posts:
Sofia2 · 15/07/2017 01:45

Same here. I tried to stop doing everything but it is a mess. He forgets stuff even important to the kids but not to him. So I realize that I live with a selfish man so I write a list for him what he needs to do and I do not care if he does not like but ay least he does the listSmile

RosaDeZoett · 15/07/2017 01:46

Sorry, never answered your question. If I stop doing everything my kids will the suffer, he won't pick up the slack.

OP posts:
e1y1 · 15/07/2017 02:10

If I stop doing everything my kids will the suffer, he won't pick up the slack

Then you need to leave him. You can't stop doing it if your children suffer.

I know you say you worry about your childrens mental welfare if he leaves, but sooner or later, your mental welfare is going to suffer, which will affect your children more.

At the moment, you're strong for them, when that stops, what then? Your family would be no better off.

HappenedForAReisling · 15/07/2017 02:13

What's his excuse? (does he even offer one?

BertieBotts · 15/07/2017 02:19

LTB. It's much less exhausting somehow doing everything yourself when you're not expecting help from someone and being let down constantly.

Also, one less person to make mess.

(Sorry, if it was less late I'd be less blunt, but there it is. Flowers)

BraveBear · 15/07/2017 02:26

Does anyone have a link to that cartoon on this subject which was going around a few weeks ago? I think the OPs DH could do with reading it.

prioritymail · 15/07/2017 02:29

Can totally empathise. My house is a complete hole atm because I've been working long hours and he hasn't picked up the slack. Do you work outside the home as well? I don't all the time, I think he's just got too used to the housework fairy visiting unseen. Keep on nagging, it's tiring and you feel like you're getting nowhere, but it's better than being a martyr and miserable too. He may improve with time and constant pointing out of why things are shared tasks and not just your responsibility.

Hidingtonothing · 15/07/2017 02:29

It's not even about the housework really is it? You're supposed to be a team but only one of you makes any effort, that's soul destroying, fucking hurtful and will slowly but surely kill the love you once felt for a person.

I don't your post is blunt Bertie, I think it's spot on and exactly what you should do OP Flowers

prioritymail · 15/07/2017 02:33

The 'mental load' cartoon? Don't know how to link, but it comes up if you search 'mental load'. Someone smarter than me may link Smile

blankface · 15/07/2017 03:35
garud · 15/07/2017 03:45

I'm not sure OP's DH reading it will help. A friend's DH posted it on Facebook the other day and made some comment that it showed how society was to blame for his wife's stress - I commented to say that perhaps he was missing a step between society and her stress - i.e. him. It turns out he read the whole thing and the only thing he took from it was that women should lower their standards HmmAngry.

Sorry OP, your H sounds like a dick. But it also sounds like you're in a good position to leave. I agree with a pp that staying with him and ending up resentful, angry and exhausted will have a worse effect on your DC's mental health.

garud · 15/07/2017 03:46

You should read the cartoon though OP, it might crystallize things for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2017 04:48

If you're financially independent from him, just leave. You will be happier without him, you already know that. And your children will be happier with a happier YOU. Living in a home full of tension, and parents who are angry or on edge with each other is not good for a child's confidence and sense of well-being. Better a child have parents who live apart but are happy in their own lives. And don't fool yourself into thinking that your children don't feel the unhappiness, they are canny little creatures.

Your only other alternative will be to treat him as if he doesn't exist. To take on 100% of parental and household duties knowing that you can expect no help and will get no help. But to also cut him out of your domestic 'world'. Cook for yourself and the children. Clean only for yourself and the children. Make plans for yourself and the children, independent of him, including holidays.

I know which would be easier for me! And better for my mental health.

LindyHemming · 15/07/2017 04:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiquoriceWheel · 15/07/2017 04:58

Hi OP, my DP is the same. I try not to nag or I give him ridiculously simplistic lists of chores (which I hate doing by the way - he's supposed to be a grown man) but nothing happens. Or if it does, he acts like he's Captain Amazing and doesn't help again for a while. This is my first long-term relationship so I have nothing else to compare it to but my friends say this is totally wrong and he's lazy and selfish and is taking advantage of me. My DP was made redundant a while ago and I've been really understanding but the stress it put on me to provide for EVERYTHING and do ALL the housework on my own was horrible. I've tried to block out all the negative things but I'm realising that I want him to leave. I had a pregnancy loss a few years back and I think I'm holding on to him so I can magically get my baby back one day (I know that sounds crazy and stupid) but now I know he won't change.

I really feel for you OP. I yearn to leave my DP or for him to leave me but I'm totally skint because I quit my job because I was mentally and physically exhausted with everything. You are so lucky to be financially 'able' to leave. I wish I knew what I know now about how corrosive laziness and selfishness to just help around the house is.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share my experience with you. I don't have children but I cannot imagine the stress of having to care for them practically on your own on top of everything else. It doesn't sound as if your DH is being a very good role model for your DC by not supporting you.

OliviaStabler · 15/07/2017 06:30

Out of interest, does he have a job?

Isetan · 15/07/2017 06:51

It's not your fault he's like this but..... enabling it, is a choice. You've tried options 1 and 2 and if they were working for you, you wouldn't have posted.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/07/2017 07:05

My exdh was like this. It's like having an extra dc. Dh is the opposite. He works long hours and I work pt. He does lots at home.

I think you know the answer.

Monkeyface26 · 15/07/2017 07:26

Would he be shocked if he knew that his laziness was causing you to consider leaving? How happy does he think you are? If asked about his own happiness in the marriage, what do you think he would say?
If he is happy with the status quo, it might be possible to shock him into action.
I am sorry you are going through this. I did end a 3 yr relationship due to his persistent laziness/slobbiness but it was before marriage & children.

Starlight2345 · 15/07/2017 07:33

I used to do the lists..

My now exH ( ex for a whole heap of different reasons) I used to write lists..I resented the fact it needed writing on a list however far less than me doing everything.

I think my question would be is he emotionally supportive..Is he involved in your life or simply another "child" to look after?

madcapcat · 15/07/2017 07:40

I would also suggest that it isn't good for your kids to see you doing everything. They should be helping (age appropriate jobs before anyone shouts) because 1)it benefits everyone 2) you want them to grow up to be helpful thoughtful adults and 3) it's part of being a family. If what they see is you always doing everything (however resentfully) then they might well grow up thinking that that is the norm. It really isn't your fault though -his selfishness is on him alone

GinaFordCortina · 15/07/2017 07:47

No, it's his fault he's a lazy twat.

Would you let your children grow up in a trash pit if he 'let' you?

fleshmarketclose · 15/07/2017 08:23

I LTB just a couple of weeks ago who was pretty much exactly as you describe your dh. My life is no more difficult because I did everything anyway but it's far easier doing everything whilst not carrying a lazy and selfish husband. I've had the easiest two weeks in thirty years if I'm honest.
The dc are coping, funnily enough he hasn't asked them over to his and dd is worried about how he is looking after himself. But that is wrong and I have let her see that because she believes her 56yo father can't cook/clean/do laundry/look after his children when the truth is he didn't and wouldn't and now he is going to have to he has no choice.

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