Is it my fault that my husband is lazy and selfish? Or is it his?

[RosaDeZoett]

Just that. I am exhausted from fighting every battle every day for a small bit of help. I do fucking everything, and he sighs in exasperation if I ask him to lift a finger. So I have a choice. Do it all myself and enable him to be a selfish prick. Or insist he helps and suffer the eye rolling and melodramatic sighs. Or leave.
If I don't insist all day every day is it actually my fault that I have to do everything??
Option 3 is obviously ltb

Ltb.

You can't go on like this having a daily battle and an extra child.

LTB OP. As Bertie says, it honestly is so much less exhausting doing everything when you're not carrying a lazy disrespectful partner who seesdomestic work as women's work.

As an aside, a few people have said they try not to 'nag'. It is not nagging to expect the adult you share your home with to contribute to keeping it clean. Nagging is a word invented by men to try and shut women up. No such thing aa nagging.

Bloody typos. Trying to drink a pint of coffee and type with one finger

I think it is almost impossible to change someone like this. I am not going to say ltb as I think only you can decide that. But I think it is very very unlikely to change so you need to make the decision with that in mind.

I separated with ExP six months ago for same reason plus he was a cocklodger too - so I paid rent, bills, food shop, did 95% housework plus the 'thinking' of kids stuff etc. I was exhausted and resentment built up over the years. Character wise he was so nice, always pleasant, relaxed, friendly etc it was like having a human Labrador! When I 'nagged' he would always reply 'just tell me what to do' but I said that if there are pots in the sink he can see they need doing why does he have to be told, or there is an overflowing wash basket - why do I need to say put a wash load on.

The final straw was actually down to money, as he contributed nothing to the family pot, as he insisted on doing his hobby self employed job, which was not enough to live off at all. I said I was no longer going to support him (had been stupidly for nearly a decade) , promises were always being made that things would change, he would get a job etc but never materialised . He chose to shrug and leave rather than take on adult responsibilities . He now wafts in and out to play fun Dad with DC but of course pays no maintenance (no point in chasing as he earns nothing, sofa surfs)

This was part of the reason that my husband and I split ( along with his affair ). One of the things I distinctively remember saying to him was that he didn't want a wife, he wanted a mother.
He always said that he couldn't cook. I'm constantly in and out of hospital with chronic illness, so have literally taken morphine to get out of bed to cook us dinner. Funny how he suddenly started cooking once we'd split.
Resentment is a really tough thing to come back from. Good luck with making your final decision .

Thank you all for your replies. So much of what people wrote resonates with me. It is just like having another child, and I am filled with resentment (and occasionally rage) that he expects me to mother him. We have talked about this is in the past, and he will share the load for about a day usually, then it's back to business as usual. I just feel utterly disrespected. If I did everything, he would literally let me and think nothing of it. We both work full time BTW.
I recently met an old friend who mentioned an old acquaintances husband had recently left her. Genuinely my first thought was "lucky bitch" I didn't say it out loud obviously..... That's a pretty horrific state of affairs.
I have decided anyway to seek some counselling for myself, and possibly for both of us after that. Possibly. When I've untangled some of the knots in my head. Thanks again for sharing experiences and opinions, it all really helps

I think the fundemental problem is in the terminology.
Asking your DH to "help".
That implies that the task is actually yours and you want him to do one of your tasks.
The tasks belong to both of you.

It's sharing the workload, not helping.

My other big bugbear is "I've done the washing up FOR YOU"