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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm a horrible person

30 replies

namechangeforthistoday · 14/07/2017 23:27

A couple of boys at DS1's school (ds is 5) have been a bad influence on him recently. One has hurt him and scared him a few times in the playground, the other is just a really bad influence - gets ds to do things and say things he wouldn't do without him, uses horrible language (and I mean really not nice words for a 30 year old to be saying, let alone a 5 year old), says mean things, is disruptive, and back-chats other parents. I emailed the school to ask for help in keeping my ds away from these boys and in keeping him safe and said a few things the boys have been doing. Now I am feeling really bad because I like both boys families and chat to the mums at drop off and pick up. I also chat to the boys themselves, as they r kind of friends with ds and they know me. The boy who has hurt ds is also quite sweet most of the time (can just get scarily violent on rare occasions) and ds's friend at school, so I have now found myself in the position of him and my ds having a play date. I feel so two faced and horrible because the mums have no idea about my email to the school.

Am I right to see myself as a horrible person and to regret having sent the email?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/07/2017 23:29

Of course not. If your son was behaving like that, wouldn't you want to know so you could stop it for his own good?

PurpleDaisies · 14/07/2017 23:30

Sorry, posted too soon. It's much easier for the school to manage this than you-teachers are used to dealing with this sort of thing and don't have to socialise with the parents afterwards in the way that you do.

Only1scoop · 14/07/2017 23:31

It does seem slightly two faced to complain to school and then enjoy play dates with them.

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 14/07/2017 23:32

I know onlyscoop - what should I do?? I feel horrible

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 14/07/2017 23:37

I don't think you're horrible. Children can behave differently at school and at home. You will be able to keep a closer eye on them at your house .

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2017 23:37

In all honesty if you want to get anything out of this thread, I think you need to cut the emotive language.

This is not all about you, it's about why your son wants to be friends with boys that you're basically saying he's the complete opposite of.

You didn't 'find yourself in the position' of them having a playdate, you agreed to it.

Personally, I would be doing everything I could not to support/encourage the friendship.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/07/2017 23:45

I agree with worra You agreed to a playdate with a child you believe is a bad influence on yours. Why? Make an excuse. Be busy. Have a different playdate.

Make up your mind. Either this kid is to stay away from yours or not. You can't have it both ways. What's the school to think? They get the angry email from you saying to keep X away from darling little namechange then they see you having X round to your house! What exactly are they to think? Probably that you are a loon not to be taken seriously.

Choose: friends or not friends. You can't stop your kids being friends with undesirables but that's a million miles away from arranging play dates to encourage friendships!

Find a reason to cancel. Why on earth did you do it in the first place?

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 14/07/2017 23:53

I know I know! I am in a right pickle. The problem is that the mums of Both boys have been really nice to me! One of the boys is a 'no no' in terms of play dates, and I will not be encouraging that at all, and have managed to mainly run away from his really nice mum! but the other boys parents are so lovely and we already have a good relationship and I didn't no how to say no to the play date (although it's not happened yet, so can back out). I just feel horrrible.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2017 00:01

The thing is (and you're by far not the only Mumsnetter to do this) you're blurring the lines between your friendships/relationships with the other mums, and your child's friendships/relationships with other children.

It's nice to have good relationships with other mums, but please remember the only reason you're there in that environment is because of your child.

It seems like a million years away now because he's only 5, but believe me, when he starts senior school in 6 years time, you won't even remember who these other mums were.

My sons are 25, 18 and 14 and it's weird how at every senior school parents evening, I'd see a parent and think "Oh yeah, I forgot all about them".

Whereas at the time, they featured very prominently in the whole infant/junior school scene.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, your relationships with parents mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, whereas your son's relationships right now, could actually shape who he becomes as a person.

So it would be wise to focus on your child, rather than how nice the other mums are.

quizqueen · 15/07/2017 00:04

When the play date comes up again in conversation, just say that your child has mentioned that the two of them haven't been getting on too well at school of late so best that they have a break from seeing each other outside of school for a bit.

Fruitcorner123 · 15/07/2017 00:13

I have some good friends who are parents. Over the years we have mentioned incidents to each other once or twice when we think they are sufficiently serious to warrant that. If my child was using wildly inappropriate language or hurting and scaring friends at school and my friend knew and didn't tell me I would consider her a rubbish friend.

You should speak to the playdate friend about what's happening in school.

MrsJayy · 15/07/2017 01:31

What worraliberty said really your priority is to your son let school deal with it don't feel bad if the parents ask say something like the boys are not getting on that well and remember your son is saying doing things too don't lay blame iyswim

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 15/07/2017 06:57

Thanks everyone. U r right worraliberty. Crikey this parenting business is hard!

OP posts:

HiJenny35 · 15/07/2017 10:09

I'm sorry but I think you should make and excuse and cancel the play date. It's not about you having a nice time with the nice mum, arrange to see her without the children. You can't expect the school to spend time keeping the children apart for you to go and reinforce the friendship at home because it suits you. It's not right to put everything into the school you are the parent. If you don't want your child to spend time with this child and expect the school to invest time into monitoring that then you are unreasonable to go out for a play date with them because it suits you. Make an excuse and refuse any more dates.

LaurieMarlow · 15/07/2017 10:14

It is totally contradictory to ask the school to keep them apart then sign up to a play date. . That makes no sense as you must know.

Decide your position re their contact and stick to it. You can't lay down the law to the school and then totally undermine that yourself because you fancy it.

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 15/07/2017 10:38

Yeah you r right! I find it really hard to say no to people or not to be friendly to people - I need to be liked! Whole other issue I know! never been a problem before, but now I've got kids, realise my own issues r having an effect and I need to harden up and stop trying to b nice to everyone! Thanks all

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MrsJayy · 15/07/2017 10:52

If you can't say no then that filters down to your boy it really is ok to say no that doesn't work for us. My youngest child is 19 and we didn't have this playdate palava occasionally it was can emma come round to play but all this playdate sounds to stressful.

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 15/07/2017 12:03

Yes! hugely stressful! At DS school all mums are very chummy and it's all a bit awkward trying to distance yourself. The mums concerned are both on the pta and it is all a bIt complicated and doing my head in!!! I never anticipated how complicated school could be!! Aaaaggh!

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 15/07/2017 12:06

This seems the most diplomatic way of doing things to me.
OP the school run can be a minefield, after years of fuck ups lessons being learned I'm now the smile and chat briefly while not getting involved mum

Bluntness100 · 15/07/2017 12:12

I think this will confuse everyone. Asking the school to keep them apart then inviting the kid for a play date. I also agree with worra, you're confusing your own popularity with that of what's best for your child. And if the other mums find out, which they may well do, I'm not even sure how you'd explain it. A play date actively encourages the friendship.

Make a decision. Do you wish your son to be friends with this child? If so, email the school and say it's fine, things have moved on. If not, cancel the play date. It really has to be about your son and not you.

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 15/07/2017 12:21

Thanks notreallyarsed! I feel like I'm making loads of mistakes with ds this year, and really messing up playground politics! and it's only the start of school years :( nice to know I'm not the only one who makes mistakes!!

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 15/07/2017 12:24

There literally isn't enough space on the thread for the amount of times I've found myself sucked into playground politics and issues. It's literally years of experience that has taught me to become a bit better at being the friendly, smiley but totally not up for getting involved in shite mum it's hard going, but you'll get there!

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 15/07/2017 12:29

Yes bluntness - the other mums finding out (especially one of them - not too fussed about the other) is my big nightmare!

I'm going to school Monday to discuss so will stick with ds not playing at all with boy1, and say to forget about the other one (boy2)! I guess it's a bit unfair of me to bar ds from both anyway! Boy2 (play date boy) is moving to another class in September, so I think this friendship might dwindle anyway! Boy1 will b in same class, so I will need school to help with ds not playing with him, and I am not so bothered about losing friendship with boy1's mum (I really don't like boy1!)

Hope all will b ok and boy2s mum never finds out about my email! :(

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangeforthistoday · 15/07/2017 12:29

Thanks notreallyarsed!

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BarbarianMum · 15/07/2017 12:30

Just a piece of unsolicited advice. Never give your child a get out as to appropriate behaviour based on another child "encouraging them" or " telling them" to do/say something - especially a child of the same age. Your child not being able to make good decisions when he's with these children is a perfectly fine reason for trying to keep them apart but try and see it in those terms rather than "they lead him astray".

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